Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My G Ride to Jail

I saw this cop the other day and made the decision right then and there that “if” I am ever to get arrested I absolutely want to be arrested by this guy. How fuckin bad ass would it be to ride in the side car on your way to jail? I would hum the CHIPS theme song in my head the whole way and refer to the cop as Ponch. It would certainly take the bite out the whole going to jail thing. Wooowooowooo!

Oh and on a sidenote, I found a picture of me & Kennedy as barbies lol.

Get High and Eat This

Have you ever created something in your dream that was so amazing that you wanted so badly to make it in real life? Now I’m not a weed smoker at all, never was my thing but I have lots of friends who have dispensaries so if this isn’t already a creation, I think you should make it. Combine weed with a Smuckers Peanut Butter & Jelly Uncrustable and call it a Munchable. Brilliant, right? I want royalties.

Plus this

Equals this

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Shout Out to Cymbalta

My friends are even funnier than me :)

I was reading your blog this morning, shocker right? It has become a daily ritual for me, I feel like a broke ass waiting for my O G check to come. Or like a crack addict, come on PPS post some new shit… I’ll suck yo dik! Just kidding, I mean you probably don’t have one anyways… Ok to the point!

You recently had an entry… er I mean you recently wrote about how each sex partner you have needs to be better than the last and how no one ever marries the best one. I have to disagree with you here, kind of like when I called your thigh highs ear muffs, your response and I quote “ do you really get girls with lines like that?” well I will have you know!... no not really, never worked… Ok so some people do marry the best sex partner ever, I am one of these people “ not counting BJ’s, cause I hooked up with this nurse a couple times with DD boobies that hooked me up one night, Girl this girl made me pull the fitted sheet off my bed with my TOES! My fucking TOES I tell you!”. It used to be efin awesome! Yep! Used to be. If we went more than a day it was like, what happened? We forgot to have sex yesterday, let’s go fuck! And fuck we would, all the time. If we were alone we were probably about to, doing some, or just finished fucking. And not like 15 minute crappy for the sake of it, fucking I am talking about licking sucking hair pulling fingers in holes “not mine of course… holes that is” fucking, the kind where at points you feel like you might pass out but you don’t. Yeah like that! We were a perfect fit sexually, like a glove! We argued and had other crappy parts of our relationship but the sex made all the other things worth dealing with, I almost looked forward to arguments so we could make up. In fact when she asked me to marry her and I was like ha ha yea right!... silence wait your serious? Why would we want to do that shit? She was like if we are married and live together you can have me whenever you want… Ok you tell me when and where and I will be there! This is going to be great! A week later I get the ring she picked out delivered to me with a bill, and we are engaged! Woo hoo! All of my friends were like man are you fucking crazy? You guys don’t understand, I am going to get to have sex whenever I want… for the rest of my life! I felt like I had one the lottery! My friends were like yeah right! That shit stops when your married, I was like no way man she is like a nympho! She might like it more than I do! So the wedding day comes and as I am standing at the back of the church with my best man, who happens to be a VP for a cable ppv porn company is like “man, the car is right down the street, we can be back in Atlantic city with those chicks in a couple hours if you want to get out of here” great support right! But I am like no way man! Her father is Ukrainian and already told me if I F this up he will have my legs broken! Plus the sex is great and I really love her so I go through with it. And I was right! The sex did not go away! If anything it got better! Then we decided to get her pregnant and we had even more sex! It got to be soo much sex that for the only time in my life I was turning it down! Then a miracle happened! She got pregnant! At first she did not believe that the faint line on the test meant she was but after I went to the store, got another test, and pissed on it, she could tell the difference between line and no line! I was so happy! She was so happy! So I said, let’s celebrate! Come over here you sexy mommy! I never had sex with a mom before!”This was a lie, I fucked my friend RJ’s sister one year when she was home from college and his mom the next summer when I was helping her move. If you are friends with RJ Poole from HS please don’t say anything to him about that.” And that is when it happened… my whole fucking world changed! I did not have sex again until the night her water broke and that was only because the doctor told her it would induce her labor, “best $100 I ever spent, who says money can’t buy you happiness! Thanks doc”. So after my son is born and we are leaving the hospital the doc is like nothing in the vagina for 6 weeks, I am like oh yeah! Everything will be back to normal in 6 weeks! Well she must have heard nothing in the vagina for the rest of your fucking life cept for one token ok here is some v-jay jay lame ass pitty fuck once every 6 weeks! So I believe that some people do marry the person that they have the best sex with but then life gets in the way of their fucking and it makes the fucking shitty at best!

There are eventually better days though, in my case as my youngest baby got to be about 2 the sex came back! Not like the golden days, but twice a week, and one BJ per week too. I know it is like rationing but let’s face it, unless you’re a douche bag that is selfish and does not care about his family you only have one cow from which to get the milk so whatever you get from your wife is your best offer. I also would like to give a shout out to Cymbalta! That shit has changed my life son! They should bottle that shit and sell it! Wait they already did that.. best $150 a month you can spend! Ever since she has been taking that shit she has been a pleasure to live with! Not in like a sure whatever, I don’t give a fuck way, she is like a normal person, she gets pissed then gets over… she is rational now! Like living with a dude, if he was 115 pounds, pretty, with great tits, an ass you can’t keep your hands off and a vagina that is… well let’s just say it is very nice.

The moral here is if you really like spending time with someone “ fucking them” don’t fuck it up and get married to them, until you are done fucking, have sewed your oats, and are ready to go without. Then, when you choose your marriage partner, choose someone you really like to hang out with because forever is a long time when you’re not getting much action. That or pick a hot person with a shitty attitude and get them on Cymbalta.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

iPhone4 Imma Put U on Blast...Again

Today I had to go to the social security office to get a new card since I lost mine. So if you’ve never been, it’s similar to the DMV if you were to add on more disabled people and more hours you have to spend there. Anyways to kill time I whip out my iphone. So these two people next to me ask how I like it. I told them it was a piece of shit phone and I hate it. They said wow you’re the only person who’s ever had anything bad to say about it. I told them that’s because I think people who buy them feel so dumb for being sheep and running out and spending $400 on their phone only to have it not work so they just lie and say it’s great. So they ask what I don’t like and suggest maybe the problem is perhaps me, the user, or a manufacturer defect and I said no cause I have had two and they both have the same problems. So the cocky asshole goes well you probably haven’t ever shut it down the whole time you’ve had it and you have to do that every once in awhile to clear it out. So I inform him that I fly often and have to shut it down annnnd if you wanna get technical I’ve only had that specific phone for what 2.5 weeks? Then he goes well I see that you have a case on it, that’s good and you have the right screen protector but I can tell you totally put this on yourself….really mutherfucker because I got it at the Apple store and an Apple employee put it on for me. He was all “oh”. So we start talking about that funny YouTube video about the iphone 4 and he suggests another video even funnier so I hand him my phone so he can pull it up on YouTube. Guess who has no service? At all. The girl points to a sign on the wall that says "Please silence your cellphones" and goes maybe it's because of that. Um hey smartcakes it says silence your phone not were going to run some crazy ass software to disable your phone. She asked if I had problems with it in other places. I told her that I did infact have service in the bahamas yet I don't have service here where I LIVE! How do you get service to an island thats 7 miles wide but you can't get it to Denver? So the guy is still in every position trying to get some service. He tried walking around, going outside the door and back…nothing. So he came back and handed me my phone and said sorry.Guess who works for the corporate office at AT&T? hahahahaha They felt so dumb once they realized I wasn’t lying or being dramatic about my phone. They kept apologizing for their shitty phone. Hilarious!!

Beatdown Coming 2 a Geek Squad Near U

I went to Best Buy to see the Geek Squad so they could fix my laptop that "may have been dropped sometime during the now infamous sunday funday adventure". So after he's done fixing it the guy had the nerve to literally yell at me for apparently single handedly ruining the music industry by having limewire and frostwire on my computer. In his loudest big boy voice he was all "who do you think is gonna pay for the musicians guitar strings when your stealing from them??" ohhh heeeeeeellll no!....u know I got all ghetto on him....Muthaf**** u better watch ur effin tone when ur talking me...I think he thought I was gonna crawl over the counter.rawr!

Flash forward 10 minutes later I was wandering around the cd section and another guy comes up and asks what I'm looking for. I said I don't know I just felt like I should come buy a cd after the tongue lashing from the Geek Squad but every cd I thought about buying I realized I already downloaded that shit for free fuckers!

I'd like to File for Joint Custody of UR Dick

So my girlfriend broke up with a guy and she was glad to be done with him but then she realized that she was really going to miss the sex. (On a side note we nicknamed this guy coke boy. How anyone who’s nickname is coke boy can be associated with good sex is beyond me. It’s like an oxymoron). She brought up the idea of “friends with benefits" which made me suggested to her that she file for joint custody of the dick. Wouldn’t that be great? I mean really you get to divide up all other assets so why not divide up the P and the V? Obviously, just like real divorce court, whoever is the better at it is the one who could be granted it. If you sucked at fucking during your relationship you most certainly could not try to file for joint custody or even visitation. Chances are your shitty fucking is the whole reason the divorce is being filed in the first place. I think I’m going to fancy myself and Genital Divorce Lawyer from here on out. Hire me.

P.S. If this were real and I had tried to file for joint custody of dicks throughout my travels that I thought at the time were worthwhile, I’d be a deadbeat dick dad, abandoning them, never calling, never showing up when I say I will, pretending like it never happened when I got new better dick family 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Prom Dates is a Felon

Umm....ever wonder what happened to your old high school prom date? Well lucky for me I don't have to wonder because the newspaper is able to provide me with a nice update.

Accuser's letters spill "secrets"
By Susan Greene
Denver Post Columnist

The letters are full of guilt and longing.

They're from a woman to the man she accused of rape.

"Your touch on me was always so tender and I could actually feel that you loved me," she wrote Spiro Vlassis after his arrest in 2001 for sex assault.

"I'm sorry I brought any hurt into your life and I'd like you to forgive me for all the sorrow caused. Please," reads a note after he was convicted.

"Each time I think of you my heart breaks a little more thinking about my part, my decisions, my actions and my secrets."

These hardly seem like the words of a rape victim to a man who assaulted her. Especially given that the woman, who was carrying Vlassis' child at the time of the alleged attacks, was angry because he had gotten another woman pregnant.

"The charges he was found guilty of are not accurate," she wrote months after he was sentenced to 50 years to life.

Despite problems with the credibility of their main witness, district attorneys are fighting Vlassis' bid for a new trial. Hearings reopen this week.

A judge will consider the testimonies of two public defenders who say their own performance at trial was deficient.

Vlassis' trial judge denied him a chance to present his alibi, including key witnesses and timecards from his job. Former Judge John P. Leopold (now retired) also failed to disclose that he had met privately in his chambers with Vlassis' girlfriend before the date of the alleged attack. He not only refused to recuse himself from the case, but went so far as to issue a court order saying that he would refuse to speak about what some see as an ethics breach.

Other doubts are raised by:

• Nude photos of herself that the victim sent Vlassis days after his guilty verdict.

• Intimate letters about how her anatomy had changed after giving birth to their son.

• The fact that she admitted twice under oath that, at the time of the arrest, she was distraught about the baby he was having with another woman.

• And the 80 letters she sent him in prison, including 49 sent after his conviction.

"I think you're the sweetest soul that was ever made," she told him days after he was sentenced. "I don't remember (expletive), you know how my brain works."

Prosecutors no doubt will gloss over these facts by arguing that she was traumatized. DA Carol Chambers' office wouldn't comment Friday and no doubt will accuse me of blaming the victim — whom The Post is not naming because of its policy of not identifying victims of sexual assault.

"This case is every man's worst nightmare," says Vlassis's lawyer, Gail Johnson. "You're innocent. You go to trial. And then you find out the jury won't hear powerful evidence showing your girlfriend is lying."

Vlassis, 32, from Aurora, has spent eight years behind bars. His "victim" is raising their son. She's in a new relationship, out of touch with Vlassis. She says she hopes he isn't granted a new trial because "it's easier," for the sake of her "new life," that she never again see him.

Still, remorse oozes from a woman who seems to have used the justice system as a sword rather than a shield.

"I'm responsible for sending someone to spend their life in prison," she told me Friday. "There's a certain amount of guilt I feel about that."

In 2003, she mailed Vlassis a photo of their boy. The note on the back haunts me.

"He has a beetle in his hand. Once he picks one up, he has a really hard time letting it go. Sometimes I think he has to kill it just so he won't have to let go," she wrote of the son Vlassis has never met.

"Sound like anyone else you know?"

It ends with a smiley face.

Jezz....what a psycho!!! Kinda feel bad for the guy. Anyways here's our fantastic picture. We look so tacky. In famous words of Kenny Powers..."Who wears all white? fags and drug dealers!" Classy!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I Got Latte Jacked!

So I go to one of those Starbucks near the high school where all of the kids gather in the morning to buy….a latte? Nope! Instead they literally stand around like a mentally challenged flash mob blocking the entrances and acting like preschoolers.

So anyways today I’m standing there patiently waiting for my latte right in front of the counter. The lady set my latte up there and before I could even tell my hand to grab it some little skinny jean, hoodie wearing, hair flicking emo girl ran up and jacked it. She straight grabbed my cup and turned around and ran. I just stood there (hey now who is acting like the mentally challenged one) trying to figure out if that just happened? Maybe she was waiting for a latte too? Nope. The Starbucks lady was all damn it!! It happened again. There goes your latte. Apparently that’s the new thing the kid’s just stand around waiting to jack innocent people’s lattes.

Well you may have gotten one past me this time but know this. I’m dressing like a ninja tomorrow and fashioning weapons out of my Christmas tree ornaments and I’m coming for you. I will tackle your ass and scald you with my own latte. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Watch your back bitch. Hell hath no fury like a girl scorned for her latte.

You're going down!!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I think I Want My Crust Back

Dear Smuckers,
Can you please make Uncrustables in "Big Boy" sizes because as you can see by my demonstration, the ratio of my mouth to your infant sized sandwich makes it so that I must consume 7 in order to feel as though I ate one regular sized Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Crust cannot be that filling…Or can it?? Hmmm…

6 Awesome Sex Tips For Your Man

....DUH :)

It's a Hard Knock Life

Instead of blogging about my trip to Cali I'm just going to say this. If my life were made into action figures, it would probably look a lot like this.

WTF is Wrong with People??

In another episode of “What the Fuck is Wrong with People” we take a look at this girl who was eating at the table next to me at the Cheesecake Factory this weekend. She was eating pizza and when she would get to the crust she would just chuck it on the ground. Yes, if she was 3 years old I might understand but unless she has some crazy ass growth disease she is WAY too old to be doing that. The very best part is her mom didn’t even skip a beat in her conversation, completely ignoring her actions. Like our table was a pond and we were ducks, grateful to have carbs thrown at us. AND, incase you're wondering she did not appear to be a RA-tard either. WTF??

And while were on the subject of WTF….how come LA has such classy jewelry?

And speaking of shitty jewelry, who the fuck buys this bullshit from Sears & JC Pennys? Why do department stores always have the tackiest settings? I picture some overweight cackling hag from Oklahoma flaunting one of these….ha…that or Jessica Simpson. Sorry girl but YO RING IS FUGLY.

And then there is this…how can you have the word junior even on this sign? It’s like skinny jeans that come in size 14! Just cause you put the word skinny on your ass doesn’t make it true.

This is a camera you strap onto your pet so that you can see the world as your pet see's it. Who (unless your high as a damn kite) is watching pets shit and sleep all day?

Oh and I had to throw myself on the WTF list today. I was dressed in all black but couldn’t find my black gloves so I had to take the white ones and just use my Mickey Mouse voice all day! OH Boy!

Hey Blockhead, I got a new Linus Woobie

Ok not to get all serious but this is an important cause close to me. On Black Friday I was out shopping at Urban Outfitters and found a new woobie. (If you don’t know what that is, go watch Mr. Mom and then come back and finish reading this.) Anyways I was thrilled because it was a super soft blue blanket but if that wasn’t good enough I read the side of the box and found out it was a Project Linus blanket!!!

Project Linus provides blankets to comfort children who are seriously ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need. My nephew was born early and had to be in the NICU for awhile. During the time he was in the incubator since they can’t have anything in there with them they drape the blankets over the top to help block out the light. Then when he was well enough he was able to use it as a regular blanket.

Now he’s 17 months old and super healthy but he still has his Project Linus woobie.

And, obviously when you have a blanket this cool you only need to rock one sock :)

So if you have a lil one you need to buy for this year or if your big like me but still love a comforting woobie then please buy one. It’s really such a good cause. When you’re a parent and your lil one is suffering it’s the worst feeling ever and to think that a blanket from a volunteer might help bring a little comfort, well there’s just no words so help out a good cause.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Lets Fuckin Wreck This Place Dad!

I saw my neighbor outside and he told me he can always tell when I leave the house and I asked if it’s because I slam the door and he said no it’s because you let out a little squeal every time your body hits the cold air. Ahaha.

Anyways speaking of letting out squeals…I let out a big one in the dressing room at Urban Outfitters as I zipped my skin up in a skirt I was trying on. The guy was all um are you ok? No ass get in here and take your shirt off to use as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. It did leave this nice vampire/snakebite which is kind of hot if I imagine it was caused by a delicious boy with fangs nibbling on my side.

Anyways my friend wrote a fantastic male response to my blog on the lack of romance from guys these days and it’s amazing and it made me want to hi five his dog so here you go.

I think most guys at least once in their life try to do something real romantic and sweet, and if it is a success “they get awesome sex out of it” they will continue on a path of romance. More often than not I would guess that it ends in a night of talking about feelings and cuddling, not that that isn’t cool, when I lived in Mass my nick name was “the Boston cuddler” partially because I often was found cuddling with women, and partially because I was often found cuddling with other people’s girlfriends. But back to my point, guys just want someone to play with their package, they want to put it in places where it does not belong, they want to have conversations about it, they want to have it just worn out. Whatever makes that happen is the thing they are going to do. (ha, I’m beginning to get it lol) I have 2 stories, one is romantic and ends in me taking a bubble bath while sipping on champagne and eating fruit, this is the fail story! The other one ends in some of my furniture being broken, my room made a mess of, and my dog humping one of my teddy bears. This was an awesomely successful night!


So I had been dating a girl and really liked her so I wanted to take her away for a nice romantic weekend. I booked us a private cabin in Estes Park, one of the ones with the heart shaped jacuzzi in the bedroom. I went out and bought wine, champagne, fruit, some nice lingerie for her “ you’re probably surprised I would buy a woman lingerie” (for those wondering the boy who wrote this once showed up at my doorstep on xmas day with a present, handed it to me and then left. I went inside and opened it in front of my parents and it was tons and tons of awesome expensive matching bra/panty sets and mind you this was like mid high school sometime  anyways back to the story), flowers, and all the various supplies I could think of to make the weekend perfect! So I pick her up at her place after work on Friday and we begin a beautiful drive along the mountains from Boulder to Estes Park, we talk about how awesome the weekend is going to be and all the things we are going to do and how relaxing it is going to be. So we get to the cabin and it is about 8 pm so she starts trying to find a place to get dinner while I bring our bags in and sneak my bags of romantic crap in. she gets ready and then I go into the bedroom and quickly put the flowers, champagne, glasses, fruit, and lay the nighty out on the bed one of the pieces of lingerie I got for her. We go out to dinner and on the way back she is getting tired so I tell her to rest a little on the drive back. We get back to the cabin and she wakes up and we walk in and she is like I am so tired, let’s go to bed. I was all for that idea thinking she was going to be so excited when we get in the bed room that we will be making a mess of the place until morning. We get in the room and she is like ohhhhhh your so sweet! Flowers, fruit, champagne, a nightie, and everything! You are so sweet! I can’t wait to wear it tomorrow night…Crash! Smash! Boom! Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say? Tomorrow? Are you fucking kidding me? Tomorrow is like 24hrs away! I am horny now and telling me tomorrow is like telling me I have to wait till tomorrow to take a deuce after just eating Mexican food! Of course I did not say any of this but it was what I was thinking. So I am like ok that’s fine, let’s cuddle and fall asleep then, I was confident that I could rub on her and get her hot enough to at least have a quickie with me. Girl was I wrong! So here I am with a super hot chick laying almost naked next to me I am all jacked up and wanting to go at it and she is fuckin snoring! Out to the world! Closed for business! Son of a bitch! I am so horny I cannot lay there next to her so I get out of bed and take a bubble bath, drink some champagne, and eat some fruit to chill out! The next day she was like oh last night was so romantic, you’re so sweet… I was like yeah it was really nice. The next night went down almost the same, tired after hiking and having such a relaxing day. Weekend score Estes park-$1200 of my money me -0 action! What a waste! I will never do that again!

Awesome night: – same girl!

We are at a party at 3 of my ex girlfriend’s house, my current girlfriend is drinking and acting extra sexy to me. We drink and have a good time and as it is getting to be about time to leave she whispers to me, I want to be dirty with you tonight. Huh? Wait what? I want to do something with you I have never done before. Oh shit! She is either talking about folding laundry, having a threesome, or letting me in the back door! 2 of which are awesome ideas! So we get in the car and it is just the 2 of us so 50% of my options are still awesome! We get back to my place and start fooling around immediately! We are both naked she climbs up on my entertainment center so her business is near my face, when she was getting down she stepped on a shelf and broke it but I didn’t give a fuck, we went at it on the bed! Pulled the comforter off and went at it on the floor! It was so hot my min pin grabbed one of my teddy bears and started going at it! I looked over at him and he looked at me and I swear he said to me “lets fuckin wreck this place dad!" The night went on like this for at least an hour and let me tell you, we did not fold any laundry! Score - $0 of my money, me- exhausted and sleeping like a baby!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Nigga Don't Act Like a BITCH

So the other day I posted a funny picture of Ice Cube making fun of how he went from gangster to making kids movies. And to think we all thought “Anaconda” was such a bad choice…little did we all know. Then I started thinking about it and it just got worse. Let’s see we’ve got Ice-T on Law & Order, Lil Wayne and Kanye wearing tight pants and scarves, We’ve got Eminem’s cd called Recovery, Dr. Dre’s cd is called Detox and then today I finally hit my breaking point with the following.

First I found out 50 Cent is lasering off his tattoos for his $200 million movie contract. Isn’t this the same guy that just had a song with E40 singing “Nigga don't act like a BITCH”? Um maybe take your own advice.

Then I found out Rick Ross has bigger boobs than me. Come on now, someone needs to TiVo Hip Hop Ab’s.

After that I saw that Will Smith’s daughter, Willow, has the #2 song on iTunes and she sings “Hop up out the bed turn my swag on”. She’s effing 9 years old!!!! You can’t have swag when your 9! Even the Fresh Prince knows that.

And the final straw came when I found out Xzibit signed a two year contract to be on Extreme Home Make Over. Are you kidding me right now? First of all the type of people who watch that show are like middle age suburbanites, what would they find relatable to a black guy who’s lyrics include “I can drink a whole Hennessey fifth
Some call that a problem but I call it a gift” and “Choke me, spank me, pull my hair”. Don’t get me wrong I used to love me some Xzibit but seriously I just wanna know what high level executive pitched this idea?

How do you go from this?

to this.

I can’t take anymore of this. When did rappers become such bitches??? I’m throwing in the towel, its’ all country, unts unts unts and death metal from now on.

The Recipe For Happiness

Know what this is?

According to me in 1982 it was the “Recipe for Happiness?” I’m gonna take it old skool and give it a try for today and see how it pans out for me.
(Are you saying Pan or Pam? Heylo Miss Lady, I think I can help with this "pan-pam" dilemma were having here.)

On a side note in 1982, with the world at my hands my "dreams" were to have $300 for Firecrackers and to be able to grow up and be a nurse, not to help people but to be able to wear the costume. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me now is well aware of how I made this dream come true.

Oh and completely unrelated but I decided if I were ever to become a stoner I would just work at Target so that I could look forward to coming to work each day trying to discover something amazing that I never knew existed like these equisite finds that Ralphs and Vons must just not know about.

Backscracthes Are the New Hickey

My friend Xilla pointed out the other day to me that back scratches have become the new hickey. Hickeys can obviously only get there by one way therefore letting the world…and sometimes your girlfriend, know that you have gotten some action. For whatever reason, hickeys have gone out of style, deemed trashy and inappropriate so it seemed as though there was a void until now. The back scratch has stepped in to fill it. Similar to the hickey back scratches indicate that you have had some naughty fun and just like with hickeys no one gives them to themselves so there’s no good alibi like come on baby I was just real itchy so I clawed my own back wolverine style. (Side note: how fuckin awesome was the Wolverine costume this Halloween??) Anyways, I’m going to go out on a limb here and dare to say backscratchers are even worse than hickeys because let’s face it, you can and most likely gave or got a hickey during a make out sesh. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a hickey but I can say that when I received one it never escalated to sex. That being said pretty much the only time a girl is going to scratch a dudes back is when he’s balls deep in her and his dick is pounding into her cervix like he’s drilling for oil. So the moral of the story is if your man comes home with a hickey, you need to stop dating 14 year olds. If your man comes homes with scratch marks on his back, you need to find a new man right after you kick his ass.

Of course, it could always be this...

Jesus and Prostitutes

Since we’ve already set up the Christmas tree I felt it was only necessary to bring out the nativity scene as well.

Not only do I like my baby Jesus to party…

I also like my prostitutes to wear reflective vests…

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Your Ball Sack is a Weapon

Seeing as it's that time of year to watch super scary movies we decided to indulge in a Halloween marathon last night which lead to a disussion on "Movies you watched as a child that scarred you". So my son decides to google that and up pops this movie call Pom Poko which is THE most fantastic thing you will ever come across in your lifetime. It's a Japanese cartoon in which Raccoon Ball sacks are used as Rugs, parachutes and weapons....Now I'm not a guy but I've met some ball sacks in my life and I gotta say if I had one and could turn it into a parachute or beat people up with it that would be considered cool, not traumatizing am I right??
Either way, what the fuck is up with the Japanese? How can a culture that seems so not sexual come up with so much weird ass shit and in cartoon form no less?

P.S. Someone plz teach me how to embed videos in my blogs.

Is Darth Vader Wearing a Fanny Pack?

Apparently there was a major a police crackdown on unlicensed costumed characters who pose for photos with tourists near Grauman's Chinese Theatre and Superman, Bumblebee, Elmo, Donlad Duck, Darth Vader, etc... were all handcuffed and arrested!!! I wish you could have heard my commentary while watching these videos. I was on the ground laughing my ass off. I think my favorite quote is "Hey now, hey now, talking about a poonanny!!" Ha!!! I love drunk superman.

Go watch...
Part 1

Part 2

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Desperate Housewife

I just picked up my deposit check for the entire amount from my old apartment and would like to thank this bottle of nail polish for helping me "spackle" the holes in my walls.

Hey, don't judge. This is the same girl who flat ironed her clothes. Someday I'm going to make a very creative wife.