Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Hurt Feelings Report

I'm going to start passing this out.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Not So Happy Meal

*Please read this whole blog in a whisper so she doesn’t hear us. Seriously whenever I talk about her I cover her ears so she can’t hear me talk shit. Imagine my horror when I opened my Happy Meal the other day and found this creepy office killer doll. Her eyes open and shut and she may be small but I’m quite confident that she can, and will eventually kill someone here in the office. It’s my plan to be really nice to her so when she does she skips me. 80’s killer doll movies have instilled fear in me so great I can’t throw her away or even put her away so she’s just going to kick it on my desk until I pass her on to the new girl who takes my position. I feel like she’s watching me right now as I write this. I feel like McDonalds gave me a chain letter. A really bad one where you open it up and you have to obey or you will die in 7 days. Fuck you McDonalds, your time will come.

I like to order a tall cup of disappointment

I went to Starbucks so I could order a cup of disappointment. The lady took her sweet ass time making an incorrect drink. I understand that they don’t make that much which is perplexing since my cup of coffee costs $5.20 but I’m a big fan of if you’re going to do something do it right because there are a lot of unstable people out there just waiting for you to fuck up their latte so they can snap. So she calls out my name and then looks at the cup and is all ohh I made it wrong….sorry and hands it to me. Well fuck if I had another 20 minutes to kill maybe I could wait around for Barista of the year to make me a new one but no time!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads

Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately!

10) "I live life to the fullest!"

(Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.)

9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving"

(Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.")

8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!"

(Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?)

7) "I'm a down to earth..."

(If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.)

6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!"

(You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.)

5) "I'm a intelegent..."

(If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?)

4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)."

(Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.)

3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!"

(Trust me, I will.)

2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate"

(Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.)

And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is...

1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon."

(Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?)

Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this....

"Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!"

(Well, as long you have realistic expectations.)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The O.C. v. The 909

Oh oh oh oh oh OH oh. Damn those catchy BEP’s songs. So I had to drive my son’s friend home this morning so I’m trying to make small talk with him and asked about his girlfriend. Apparently they have been together 16 months…hahaha so precious. 16 months huh? Not that anyone’s counting or anything. It would be funny to hear a grown man say that. I’d have to throw a rock at his head afterwards but it would still be funny to sincerely hear it.

So my pet peeve of the day… All those too cool people who think they’re so clever and fresh with their 909 jokes. Get over it. Orange County people are just as trashy but in a different way. Don’t act like all your Affliction, fake hair/boobs and coke habit are so much more above raised trucks, SRH tank tops and star tattoos? And second, the people who are almost always talking shit aren’t even originally from Orange County!! You can’t live here three years and act like you are qualified to judge. The other thing is usually I let them babble on and on and then I let them know I’m a former 9’er and they get all apologetic…no not you I meant like you know how “the others” are. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sticking up for them or saying they are cool, I’m just saying…people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. In honor of that I have provided the following:

You know you’re From Orange County When...

You make $60,000 and you’re still considered as the Lower-Middle Class.

You know what In-N-Out is and feel bad for all the other states because they don't have any.

You know that if you drive one mile in any direction you will find a McDonald's or a Starbucks.

You classify new people you meet by their Area Code.
909- Are you kidding me?
310- To Ghetto...

You've bought oranges, flowers, cherries or peanuts on a freeway off-ramp.

You've partied in Tijuana at least once.

You've inadvertently learned Spanish.

You have thought that 20 years of construction on 22 freeway is enough.

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH"

You have bypassed a mattress, a folding chair, and a dryer on the freeway while on your way to work.

You shop at Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and/or Henry's.

You eat a different ethnic food at every meal.

You think $1200 a month rent is way too good to be true. (You know this!)

You still go to the beach in December.

Going to Disneyland can be a weekly routine.

You know what "sigalert", "PCH", "CHOC", "OCTFCU" and "the five" mean.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

You see the original Batmobile and Kobe Bryant in the same intersection.

Your body looks more plastic than the Diet Coke bottle you're drinking out of.

You can go get carnitas, a chicken teriyaki rice bowl, greek gyro, and burgers all in one spot!

You wear a sweater, jeans and boots when the temp drops below 65 degrees.

You know people that live in Costa Mesa but say they live in Newport Beach or they live in Anaheim but say they live in Anaheim Hills. (ahaha)

You get offended at the new name for the Angels.

You know you're from Orange County when you pay hundreds of dollars every month to let a small group of people tell you what shade of beige your house can be and what two types of flowers you can plant in your yard.

Driving from Irvine to Anaheim in an hour is considered making good time! (So true!!)

You know you're from the Inland Empire IF...

1. Every one of your friends, including yourself, has a drinking problem.

2. You're pissed that you live in the 909 but your cell is 951.

3. Everyone is in a band.

4. Statutory rape laws don’t exist here.

5. You hook up with someone on Friday night and Saturday morning you have 10 missed calls from people that already heard about it.

6. You've known more than half your friends since junior high, or elementary school

7. You use terms like "Mo Val", "San Berdoo", and "Victimville" to refer to places

8. When you go to parties you bring your own beer
and guard it with your life

9. A party isn't a party until the cops come and someone gets knocked out

10. Every Jetta you see has a roxy sticker on the back

11. The who’s going to drive to get more booze conversation is decided by who has the fewest number of D.U.I.'s

12. You try to act as white trash as possible but your parents live in million dollar houses and drive hummers (there’s million dollar houses in the I.E.?)

13. You know at least 10 people with a tattoo of their last name, a star, or a flower

14. At least half the guys you see are wearing black Active socks

15. When all of your girlfriends go off to college and all your guy friends stay home and work construction

16. You walk into a party and you've hooked up with at least half the people there

17. Even the people you haven’t seen since high school still manage to find out what and who you are doing

18. You walk into Vons or Rite Aid and see at least 5 people you know

19. You have an Uncle Jager.

20. You participate in the cycle of: A) Seeing old people at parties and then B) Being the old people at parties.

21. "Your mom" is the most common phrase in your vocabulary.

22. You walk to your truck at Victoria gardens and mistaking put your key in one of the 50 black lifted F-250 with Famous stickers on them...

23. You still miss Metro and Gotham.

24. You go to Victoria gardens on Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night because there isn’t much else to do...

25. You know what a Bro is, and what a Bro Ho is.

26. Being called a Bro Ho isn’t a good thing yet all of them are excited to be called one.

27. When Monday night bowling is the highlight of your week.

28. You go to the Branding Iron on Wednesday nights.

29. You know what people do at "the Top of Haven”

30. Your whole life is DRAMA.

31. You can’t start a day without Starbucks. (How is this just a 909 thing?)

32. You run into your ex's ALL the time.

33. When you think Fontana is ghetto. (fontucky)

34. When you have been to a Quakes game on Friday night.

35. You were disappointed to learn that Hemet is no longer the Meth capital of the world

36. u know what emo is... but you're too "hardcore"

37. You have gone offroading off the 71

39. You have been to a Rufio concert. (Ha, just went to my first one)

40. You know someone who works at Active, Hollister or Abercrombie.

41. u know someone who went through the "bleaching" the hair phase, with spikes

42. You have crossed a raging flood . . . in an intersection

43. Kids love their cars more than they love their parents

44. You know that snoop dogg lives 10 min away and where his house is.

45. You know that snoop dogg's mom lives 10 min away and where her house is.

46. You know at least 10 people that had to be evacuated from their homes because of the wildfires.

47. You take the 10 or 60 to get somewhere that is 5 min away, but it takes 45 minutes to get there

48. all ur old friends have kids.. and u know their baby daddy.

49. At least 5 of your friends has their lip pierced or have pluggs

50. Lifted trucks have west coast choppers, Tapout, skin industries, fox or Famous sticker

51. u eat dennys or albertos after a hard night of partyin'!!!!

52. u know someone with a 50cc pit bike

53. You know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Travis barker (hahaha so true!)

54. Every radio station fades into Spanish at least once during your commute