Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Your Ball Sack is a Weapon

Seeing as it's that time of year to watch super scary movies we decided to indulge in a Halloween marathon last night which lead to a disussion on "Movies you watched as a child that scarred you". So my son decides to google that and up pops this movie call Pom Poko which is THE most fantastic thing you will ever come across in your lifetime. It's a Japanese cartoon in which Raccoon Ball sacks are used as Rugs, parachutes and weapons....Now I'm not a guy but I've met some ball sacks in my life and I gotta say if I had one and could turn it into a parachute or beat people up with it that would be considered cool, not traumatizing am I right??
Either way, what the fuck is up with the Japanese? How can a culture that seems so not sexual come up with so much weird ass shit and in cartoon form no less?

P.S. Someone plz teach me how to embed videos in my blogs.

Is Darth Vader Wearing a Fanny Pack?

Apparently there was a major a police crackdown on unlicensed costumed characters who pose for photos with tourists near Grauman's Chinese Theatre and Superman, Bumblebee, Elmo, Donlad Duck, Darth Vader, etc... were all handcuffed and arrested!!! I wish you could have heard my commentary while watching these videos. I was on the ground laughing my ass off. I think my favorite quote is "Hey now, hey now, talking about a poonanny!!" Ha!!! I love drunk superman.

Go watch...
Part 1

Part 2

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Desperate Housewife

I just picked up my deposit check for the entire amount from my old apartment and would like to thank this bottle of nail polish for helping me "spackle" the holes in my walls.

Hey, don't judge. This is the same girl who flat ironed her clothes. Someday I'm going to make a very creative wife.

Last Resort Booty Calls For Guys....

Every NFL quarterback has a progression of check down options when his primary receiver isn’t available. He looks for his first option, second, and so on. Just like a quarterback, guys have a progression list for their late night booty call. When a guy strikes out at the bar, and doesn’t want to wake up alone, he turns to his options. The average guy has about 10. Text with caution.

Option 1. The Current Booty Call
This woman is always your first option and knows the routine. Hopefully she’s awake, available, and in the mood.

Option 2. The New Girl
Send a quick text to see if she’s still awake and possibly drunk enough to make a bad decision. If you really like this girl, and want the relationship to be more than a booty call, don’t text her when you’re hammered.

Option 3. The Old Booty Call
She hasn’t been around much, but there’s be no harm in sending a text and seeing if she would still be game.

Option 4. The Ex
Always a dangerous but quick “what are you up to” text. You’ll end up at her house with a nice wrestle session under the sheets. Unfortunately, you’ll have to pay for in the morning with pointless relationship talk.

Option 5. The Attractive Neighbor
This girls in in walking distance, but you haven’t hooked up with her, yet. If you think she’s around, send a flirty text asking if she wants to “watch a movie,” we all know what this is code for.

Option 6. The Recently Single Old Ex
This ex has been out of the text rotation for quite some time, but sending a quick “how you been” could never hurt. She’s recently single, extremely vulnerable, and easily to take advantage of since you already have the established rapport. Be her shoulder to cry on for an hour, and reap the benefits.

Option 7. The Out of Town Girl
You only see this girl when she’s in town to see friends, family, or business. Send a quick text to see when she’ll be in town next, and setup a friendly booty call.

Option 8. The Freak
She’s not the most attractive girl, but definitely makes up for it in the bedroom. With enough cocktails and no response from your other options, she’ll do for the night. We refer to this girl to as the 2-6er, you only see her between 2am and 6am.

Option 9. The Friend
You always have that attractive friend, who never has a boyfriend, but you have never hooked up with. If you’re desperate, why not send a text and see what happens. If she’s a real friend, she’ll forgive you the next day.

Option 10. The Mass Text
You send the general “Hey what are you up?” mass text to a dozen or so girls in your phone hoping to get a response and go from there.

If the progression list runs its course with no response, then it looks like you are waking up alone.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

A Break-Up Letter to Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte

Dear Pumpkin Spice Latte:
We need to talk. I feel that it’s time for you and I to discuss our relationship. Today, while trying to suppress my overwhelming desire to see you again, it dawned on me that our relationship may be bordering on unhealthy, and I think it’s time we take a break, if not part ways forever.
Every fall, you show up, out of the blue, just when I’ve finally gotten over you leaving me last winter. I tell myself each year that I’m not going to go back to you. After all, what have you ever done for me?
Sure, you’re delicious. When we first met, I didn’t plan on liking you at all. In fact, I only considered trying you because my friends said you were great. I don’t even LIKE pumpkin pie. However, like the cute but annoying hipster guy who ends up being surprisingly fabulous in bed, you surprised me and left me wanting more. After my first taste, every fall, I greedily gulp you all the way down before you’ve even had a chance to cool. Before I know it, I’m seeing you every day.
For the three or four months you’re around, it’s bliss. However, at the same time, I feel guilty after our time together. After all, you don’t benefit my life in any way. You have no nutritional value, your caffeine level is weak, at best, and you’re 470 calories. After a few weeks together, I notice myself getting fatter, refusing to admit it’s your fault. I can’t say no to you, so I punish myself just so I can see you.
Before I know it, without warning, you just disappear…again. There’s no explanation, other than the lame excuse that fall is over. You don’t even give me the courtesy of saying goodbye. I only find out you’ve left when I come to see you, and your friend, my barista says you’re “unavailable” ( like I haven’t heard THAT one before).
So, I sulk. I try to hang out your friends, but they’re not you. Your buddies, dark cherry mocha and salted caramel hot chocolate, while a good distraction, often disappear too, and I’m left with the has-beens, caramel macchiato and caffe mocha. Let’s get serious; been there, done that, like, 10 years ago. Once I’ve finally moved on, you reappear, and the vicious circle starts again.
So, Pumpkin Spice Latte, we have to call it quits. You’re great, but I just can’t do it anymore. I need someone more stable who cares about my health and my well-being. Sure, venti no-classic iced coffee is kind of boring. I get that, but at least he’s always there for me. He doesn’t flake out after Christmas. He doesn’t make me sacrifice others to see him, and he cares about my health and happiness. Ultimately, I just need something more stable.
Best of luck, PSL. I’ll miss you, and you’ll always have a place in my heart. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll find someone else very soon. After all, kind of a lot of people have already heard about you. Best of luck.
Your friend,
PS. Okay, so maybe we can see each other every once in awhile, for old time’s sake. But don’t tell anyone. I’m not that kind of girl.

While we’re on the subject….

Six Reasons Why Your Starbucks Barista Hates You

1.) Needless use of the lingo.
I'm paid barely enough to refer to a "medium" as a "grande." You have no fucking excuses to call that medium coffee a "grande bold."
2.) Using the order as a way to showcase the useless knowledge of coffee you have received from some other dumbass barista.
I don't want to hear about the "hints of cinnamon" you can detect in the Ethiopan blend.
3.) Rigidly upholding inevitable service distinctions. (It's not like we can say "no" to your inane requests.)
For example: ordering a latte and asking that it be made at 170 degrees. Or, sending back a caramel macchiato because it mixed together. The latte WILL cool and the macchiato WILL mix together. Deal with it.
4.) Suggesting "unique" drink concoctions to me.
Yes, I know that a vanilla bean frap with a little bit of Strawberry cream and a half pump of mocha tastes like a Neopolitan. I fucking work here. Your discovery is by no means anything new. And even if these mixtures weren't obvious, I still wouldn't want to hear your train of thought.
5.) Sharing information about the progress of your so-called "big project."
Sure, I'll smile, nod, and offer compliments, but that doesn't mean I'm any less convinced of the inevitable failure of your novel than your estranged spouse "Emma" is. Dear customer, she is your wife, so she can afford to be discouragingly honest with you. I, on the other hand, must make money; if I need to brown-nose, so be it.
6.) Quizzing me or offering comments about corporate performance.
I don't give a fuck about the press interview given by the CEO, and I don't know or want to know about any regional expansion plans. I am the equivalent of a bag boy. Memorizing the drink formulas is enough of a waste of my processing power.