Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Bear Skin Condoms

I'm an idiot. No really and here's why. So I'm watching TV last night with my son and I was looking at my phone not really paying attention when this commercial came on

All of a sudden my eyes shot up and out of my little blonde mouth came the following: "Bear skin condoms??? omg how are they going to have bear skin condoms? I mean lambskin is already gross enough but bear skin?"

My precious son just turned to me and replied: Bare. B-A-R-E.

My bad.

First World Problems

Wait...there's a Domino's pizza tracker?

Do you like long hair and v-cards? - m4w - 20 (irvine)

Fucking awesome Craigslist ad of the day.... Is he serious with the V-cards? like from Outlook? Am I getting that right? All I know is I'm fucking eating lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings today.

I'm your guy. It'd be cool if you lived near the Buffalo Wild Wings on the 5 and Culver. I will sift through responses for this afternoon. Please be able to host or willing to meet in my car and find a cool place to park ;P

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Blue Waffled Cunt

Ok so I recently picked up the phrase "Blue Waffled Cunt" from twitter and while I had no idea what it meant, I couldn't stop saying it which as one can imagine has lead to a punishable situation. Since I was going to go down for using this phrase I thought I should at least look it up and as it turns out...some things can not be unseen...but at least, now we know...

Blue Waffles

When someone refers to a 'Blue Waffle' they're not referring to your typical blueberry breakfast-food.

A 'waffle' is a a slang term for vagina.

A 'blue waffle' is a slang term for a severe vaginal infection.

It's basically a slang term for an extremely nasty or severe vaginal infection/STD on the vagina. The infection could cause lesions on the outside of the vagina, as well as bruising, which causes it to look blue in color.

Monday, December 12, 2011

3 Types of Crazy

Brilliant! http://jwundersworld.blogspot.com/2011_05_29_archive.html

She's sad that your ass is about to be sliced and diced

You know what? Bitches are fucking crazy. Not all bitches though. Just some. Like 65% of females. Big fucking number right? Damn straight. Before I start my sermon, I want you to realize, that not only are women fucking crazy, but dudes are too. The difference? Bitches do things that are a bit fucking extreme. For example, kill a mother fucker in their sleep with an ice pick.

Now, now...some of you are ready to grab a knife or a bat and hunt me down...so before some of you cunts do that, calm the fuck down, grab some goddamn wine and chill the fuck out.

Mr. Wunder's here to let everyone know which types of females can get a little insane from time to time. Wait, which types? There are types, J? Fuck yeah there are. So sit back, relax and get ready for: J-WUNDER'S CRAZY BITCH BREAKDOWN, BREAKDOWN, BREAKDOWN...

I Want Your Money Crazy: You ever watch Dateline on a Friday night around 9pm? You know...where there's always a murder mystery about how some dude "mysteriously" fucking died and they can't find his fucking body...anywhere? Oh, and no one knows where their goddamn killer is either? Meanwhile, back at the fucking ranch...the newly widowed wife is rolling around butt ass naked in a life insurance policy worth millions...sucking the neighbors cock for diamond necklaces and sipping on Mint Julips. Leave it to a crazy bitch, more than likely a honky, to do some shit like that and get away with it. You're probably asking, well why couldn't a female that was Hispanic or African American get away with it? You wanna know why?

They ain't white and Johnny fucking Cochran is dead.

You connect "murder accusation" with a Mexican or African American...one word: GUILTY. With no need of evidence because they know your ass is broke...and unless your name is Jennifer Lopez or goddamn Tootie from Facts of Life, you don't even know what $1,000's looks like. Fucking white people. Ya'll got a good fucking life.

I Love You Crazy: Ever watch Fatal Attraction? Glenn Close was a crazy cunt, right? You have yourselves a chick that you could shoot 50 times in the body and face and will not...I repeat, will not fucking die til you know, she's yours...FOREVER.

Look, I've dated a lot of fucking broads, but none stood out like some of these crazy twats. You could be 2 weeks into a relationship and guess what? This bitch will LOVE YOUR ASS...two fucking weeks. Don't be surprised if you start receiving Bridal Magazine and Kids 'R Us Catalogs once a month. Once you stick your dick inside that slippery vagina, you're royally fucked my friend. Wanna avoid meeting some gals folks too soon? Don't date those crazy "I love you two weeks in" bitches. If you do, just know that whatever you believed in, doesn't fucking exist anymore. If you don't put on the afterburners after a 1/4 mile head start, you will be with this crazy bitch forever.

Oh, you're Jewish? Not anymore mother fucker...welcome to Christianity. You don't eat meat? Fuck that shit, you eat bacon and her pussy 4 days a week, hell, you eat bacon out of her pussy. You're a jeans and t-shirt guy? No you're not...from now on, Dockers and Ralph Lauren button-ups. You don't drink beer, you drink Apple Martini's. You don't spread eagle, you cross your legs like a goddamn fag. Hey I get it, these bitches are crazy. So run mother fucker. Run.

One Night Stand Crazy: This has to be one of the most dangerous bitches you will ever encounter. Hey, we all love to fuck. Some more than others. But when you run into a girl that doesn't do "one night stands" and the only time you fucked her was a "one night stand"...head for the border asshole because you will not be able to escape. Real talk.

I don't know what it is with these chicks but they are by far the craziest bitches in the world. Why you ask? I have a few reasons:

1) Your dick must have been fucking SU-PERB and you made her cum for the first time...EVER. You broke the code...you my friend, hold the key to what she wants. FOREVER. Congrats on having an amazing cock, because you're more than likely never going to fuck anyone else again.

2) She was a virgin and one random Saturday night she said, "Fuck it. I'm down to bone tonight." And just your luck, you were able to show her that she could fit 8 inches of man meat all the way down to her sternum like a goddamn circus freak and fuck like she's been working in an Asian Massage Parlor since she was 15. Word of advice: becoming a virgin surgeon backfires 81% of the time.

3) She believed every bit of bullshit you were saying just to get in her pants. Hope it was worth it buddy because she's introducing you to her family next weekend. Across country.

A majority of women just don't throw their pussy out there like it's a goddamn 4 'o clock snack. Ok, yes they do, but they don't expect themselves to be spreading eagle three hours later saying, "Fuck me harder...finger my ass. Punch me, then choke my tits." Ooops...that's for another entry.

Like I was saying, they test the waters but find themselves in the situation where you're basically to blame if you end up fucking them. How does that work? I don't fucking know. I just run and give them the wrong number to call when I find myself in that dilemma.

I learned that technique after one bitch tried to run me over with her car. Apparently, she says I took her virginity. I say she was on her period. But hey, poppin' cherries, breaking hymens, same diff, right?. Regardless, the bitch was fucking crazy. But I digress...

These bitches are head cases and will find you if you try to hide. What's that? On Facebook? You're fucked. Got a cell? You're fucked. Live anywhere in the U.S.? You're fucked. Didn't use a condom when you banged her? You're super-duper fucked. Always remember, if a woman lays her force field on you and you break those boundaries as well as her vagina, you better fucking go kill yourself before this bitch finds you and does shit to you that they do to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

So there's a little appetizer into the world of the first 3 types of crazy bitches that can be identified. Are there more? Of course asshole, that's why I said, appetizer. Now how soon you get to hear about the others, is up to me I guess. So be patience and good things will come. I hope you took lots of notes and made sure that if you run into any of these types of crazy bitches, just remember: I fucking told you so. (and don't give them my number)

We Found Your Cat

Breaking up is hard to do... with your period.


ahaha this is such a rad blog!! Periods are no fucking joke!

A few days ago I tried to break up with my period. Maybe it was stupid to do it via email (and a little tacky too) but I had just HAD it!!! 'Cept, now I don't know what the fuck to do... here's our correspondence, tell me what you think....

Dear Period,
This is kind of awkward for me, and I'm not even really sure what words to use. You know I've always said I only wanted two kids right? Well now I have them and I do realize I couldn't have done it without you....

I remember when we first met. You of course, always the prankster, had me waiting for our introduction. Did you know I lied and told all the girls at school we had already met so that I wouldn't be the last one? It made me embarrassed then, but now I know it's because you had a special first appearance in mind, didn't you! Was it the white pants that drew you to me? Or was it because I was in a public park and you love a good laugh? You were so sneaky too! I didn't even know you had arrived until I got home and went to take a piss, but I bet a lot of other people knew it just by looking at my backside huh? Youuuuu. I remember it so well because I didn't just meet you for the first time that day. I also met Tampon, and really, I officially met my Vagina that day as well. We all had sooome party in the bathroom that afternoon didn't we? Ahhh, good times. I look back at these times and almost forget about the 'down days' you've caused me, which is really the reason I'm writing you this letter in the first place....

Look, I know I owe you for feeding my kids in utero and all, but when I think of how many times you've been a bastard to me, I'd say we're pretty goddamn even. A surprise laugh is fine once in a while, but do you know how much fucking money you owe me in underwear??? AND sheets?!?! AND towels!?!?! Sometimes I really think that your goal in life is to embarrass me and put me in the poor house. Oh, and by the way, all those times I was doubled over in excruciating pain... I knew it wasn't indigestion but YOU cramping the shit out of me. Cute. Very cute. Then there's the whole jealousy thing. You have many times ruined my sex life by popping by at completely the wrong moments. You are so rude and possessive that I have a ton of respect for any man who would turn the other cheek and put up with your fucking presence in the bed room. Asshole. Every fucking month I've had to deal with you. In fact, just the thought that you're coming over makes me anxious and angry! People tease me about it, but I don't find it very funny.... You probably do though. You probably get a real kick out of the way that I lash out at everyone around me all because of YOU, you ATTENTION WHORE! And you don't even take me anywhere or buy me anything.... ever! In fact, it is I that always ends up spending money on YOU when you're around. Do you think tampons are cheap?? And pads?? AND LINERS???????? Lets add it to the underwear towels and sheets and see YOU pay that fucking bill DEADBEAT!
God I really hate you. Which brings me to the point of this letter.

I've had enough bloating while you're gloating. I'm done, I've put up with you long enough and I just can't take one more month of you!!! There was a day I dreamed about your arrival, but now? Now I pray for your departure. Your services are no longer need here. I'm officially "closing up shop" and I'm afraid you've GOT TO GO. You can keep being your regular asshole self, just NOT HERE. So, I'm gonna need you to pack up your shit and get the fuck out of my life. I will grant you one last swan song because frankly, there's no other way for you to go but then THAT'S IT. I never want to see your bloody face EVER AGAIN! You hear me?!?! We're done, I hate you, now LEAVE.

Dear You,
You ungrateful BITCH! You would be NOTHING without me. All the money in the WORLD couldn't pay for what I've given your selfish ass. You want me to leave so bad??? MAKE ME SLUT..... oh, and I know just how much of a slut you are, or are we forgetting?? And the times you didn't feel like being a slut?? Who bailed you out?!! Who?!?! Or are we FORGETTING THAT TOO??? AND swim class, and I even fucking bailed you out of WORK many times!!!!! Like I said, you may be done with me, but I aint done with YOU and I aint goin' NOWHERE.
-your period.

You sadistic, creepy, uterine STALKER! I can see this isn't going to go nicely. You'll be sorry for this.

OOOOO I'm SO SCARED. You got me shaking in YOUR UTERUS. Listen carefully, here's a little FYI for ya, me and menopause are TIGHT. So, if you think I'M bad, just wait until I give my girl Meno a call. If you don't slow your roll.... you'll be PRAYING for CRAMPS over the HOT FLASHES we got in store for you.... so chill the fuck out, and step away from Seasonique bitch, or YOU'RE the one who's gonna be sorry.
-Your worst nightmare.

So that was the letter I got yesterday, and frankly, I'm a little scared.

When God Made PPS

Thanks EAM for this:

Get on My Shopping List

I think I just figured out how to get someone else to pay for and do all the work in getting all of my xmas shopping done. I'm gonna sit in the car all day, read some year old US Weekly's then when this fool is at his last store I'm going to go ahead and exit the parking lot with all the presents and minus the retard.

The Reason for Santa's Naughty List

Craigslist will Kill You

ok so I was sent two amazing Craigslist posts this weekend which had my lying on the floor crying and laughing at the same time so J-Wunders blog completely hit home.

Advice Column: Desperate Measures
Dear J-Wunder,

I'm a young, attractive girl in my late 20's but lately I've struck out in the dating scene. I've resorted to online dating, but the problem is that the way the process is set up, it takes soooo long to meet someone. I guess what it comes down to is that I really need to get laid. I've become so desperate for sex that I've resorted looking for dates on CraigsList's personal ads.

What do you think? Is this a good idea for a young, respectable girl like myself??

Just Need Some Lovin'

Dear Just Need Some Lovin',

Are you fucking kidding me woman? You ever hear of the fucking Craigslist Killer? He was a dorky ass white dude with a big dong that killed bitches? Ring a bell? They just premiered that shit on the Lifetime channel last night too.

If you don't know this story, let me give you the Cliff Notes version:

Dorky ass white dude who was a smart mother fucker. Went to school to become a doctor or some shit. Went to Yale or some yuppy ass school like that. Loves him some bitches. Boning was his hobby. So was killing a fucking chick. He found ads on Craigslist for chicks like yourself, who were looking for a pogo stick to jump on. He met these ladies in a hotel, fucked them til they're almost paralyzed, blew his load on their back then killed them.

Question: Do you want sex so bad that you wind up fucking dead in a goddamn Motel 6 with crime scene pictures of you face planted, butt ass naked with trails of cum left on your back and long blond hair? Seriously. Are you itching for cock that bad miss?

Any young attractive woman in their 20's should never, ever, EVER have a hard time finding a man. I don't give a fuck if you live in Amish country. You'll find a dude that wants to bone you, even if that dude is your fucking brother.

You wanna know why those dating sites take so fucking long in their matching process? It's because of mother fuckers like the Craigslist killer, that's why! If dating sites were like Craigslist, thousands of bitches would be found dead in cheap ass motels covered in semen. No parent wants that to be the last vision they see of their child. Hell no. Dead. With cum splattered all over their face and body. That shit ain't right.

Here's what I do know IS right...you stopping that internet/Craiglist "my pussy is available" bullshit. I may not know you, but I bet you are probably a hot piece of ass that no man would want to see dead floating in the goddamn river at 3am. Stop killing yourself with trying to find some internet fucking love connection and go to a bar with some friends. Trust me. If you want some cock, you'll find tons of sausage there. At a bar, you'll find a sea of big dicks, little dicks, thick dicks, pencil dicks, black dicks, brown dicks, yellow dicks, white dicks, bent dicks, STD dicks, dry skin dicks...you name it, your choice of dick will be there.

Meeting dudes in public places is the best method to get your panties wet. Why bother writing some paragraph on your fucking false hopes and dreams so some fucking stalker can read it on match.com, meet you at the Olive Garden, fuck your brains out at a Sunset Inn, then slice your fucking throat before you even have an orgasm? In a public place, you're surrounded by people. By your friends. By the things that you're familiar with. Nothing says, "I want to fuck you right now," then finding a drunk dude at a bar, grabbing his cock and whispering those 3 little words - "I love cock."

If you're willing to advertise that "your pussy is open for auction" on Craigslist, then what you're saying is that you're willing to go the extra mile to get some cock. That's why if you do it, do it the right way. At a bar, getting drunk and taking home the first guy you think will bang you the way you want, you dirty little slut you. The internet is cool for shit like watching free porn fetishes, not letting dudes know you need a 7 inch dick that can fill your large intestine up with his load. Don't do that. If you do, your ass will be dead and that would mean that's one less piece of desperate ass, men lose out on.

I know you want to get laid. So what do ya say? Let go grab a fucking drink so we can find Mr. Man-dingo to bang you so hard, that it really does sound like the Craigslist killer is on a mission to kill your ass.

Get Yours,


Self Defense Tips for Women

Two Types of Boobs

From Miss. PaRANThood:

There are two types of Boobs* known to man.

1. The Regular Boob. It's the one he knows and loves. It's comforting, soft and can be sexy if dressed up but can also easily be a signifier of all things wife and mommy. Think Golden Retriever.

2. The Period Boob. Whereas the 'Regular Boob' is golden retriever, the "Period Boob" is like a motherfucking Bengal Tiger. It's beautiful, it's big, it's full and exotic, tempting and unpredictable, and to men, it's worth possibly losing a goddamn hand just to savior a little touch.

Rarrr motherfuckers.

*I speak of the non-enhanced breed here.