Thursday, December 9, 2010

Shout Out to Cymbalta

My friends are even funnier than me :)

I was reading your blog this morning, shocker right? It has become a daily ritual for me, I feel like a broke ass waiting for my O G check to come. Or like a crack addict, come on PPS post some new shit… I’ll suck yo dik! Just kidding, I mean you probably don’t have one anyways… Ok to the point!

You recently had an entry… er I mean you recently wrote about how each sex partner you have needs to be better than the last and how no one ever marries the best one. I have to disagree with you here, kind of like when I called your thigh highs ear muffs, your response and I quote “ do you really get girls with lines like that?” well I will have you know!... no not really, never worked… Ok so some people do marry the best sex partner ever, I am one of these people “ not counting BJ’s, cause I hooked up with this nurse a couple times with DD boobies that hooked me up one night, Girl this girl made me pull the fitted sheet off my bed with my TOES! My fucking TOES I tell you!”. It used to be efin awesome! Yep! Used to be. If we went more than a day it was like, what happened? We forgot to have sex yesterday, let’s go fuck! And fuck we would, all the time. If we were alone we were probably about to, doing some, or just finished fucking. And not like 15 minute crappy for the sake of it, fucking I am talking about licking sucking hair pulling fingers in holes “not mine of course… holes that is” fucking, the kind where at points you feel like you might pass out but you don’t. Yeah like that! We were a perfect fit sexually, like a glove! We argued and had other crappy parts of our relationship but the sex made all the other things worth dealing with, I almost looked forward to arguments so we could make up. In fact when she asked me to marry her and I was like ha ha yea right!... silence wait your serious? Why would we want to do that shit? She was like if we are married and live together you can have me whenever you want… Ok you tell me when and where and I will be there! This is going to be great! A week later I get the ring she picked out delivered to me with a bill, and we are engaged! Woo hoo! All of my friends were like man are you fucking crazy? You guys don’t understand, I am going to get to have sex whenever I want… for the rest of my life! I felt like I had one the lottery! My friends were like yeah right! That shit stops when your married, I was like no way man she is like a nympho! She might like it more than I do! So the wedding day comes and as I am standing at the back of the church with my best man, who happens to be a VP for a cable ppv porn company is like “man, the car is right down the street, we can be back in Atlantic city with those chicks in a couple hours if you want to get out of here” great support right! But I am like no way man! Her father is Ukrainian and already told me if I F this up he will have my legs broken! Plus the sex is great and I really love her so I go through with it. And I was right! The sex did not go away! If anything it got better! Then we decided to get her pregnant and we had even more sex! It got to be soo much sex that for the only time in my life I was turning it down! Then a miracle happened! She got pregnant! At first she did not believe that the faint line on the test meant she was but after I went to the store, got another test, and pissed on it, she could tell the difference between line and no line! I was so happy! She was so happy! So I said, let’s celebrate! Come over here you sexy mommy! I never had sex with a mom before!”This was a lie, I fucked my friend RJ’s sister one year when she was home from college and his mom the next summer when I was helping her move. If you are friends with RJ Poole from HS please don’t say anything to him about that.” And that is when it happened… my whole fucking world changed! I did not have sex again until the night her water broke and that was only because the doctor told her it would induce her labor, “best $100 I ever spent, who says money can’t buy you happiness! Thanks doc”. So after my son is born and we are leaving the hospital the doc is like nothing in the vagina for 6 weeks, I am like oh yeah! Everything will be back to normal in 6 weeks! Well she must have heard nothing in the vagina for the rest of your fucking life cept for one token ok here is some v-jay jay lame ass pitty fuck once every 6 weeks! So I believe that some people do marry the person that they have the best sex with but then life gets in the way of their fucking and it makes the fucking shitty at best!

There are eventually better days though, in my case as my youngest baby got to be about 2 the sex came back! Not like the golden days, but twice a week, and one BJ per week too. I know it is like rationing but let’s face it, unless you’re a douche bag that is selfish and does not care about his family you only have one cow from which to get the milk so whatever you get from your wife is your best offer. I also would like to give a shout out to Cymbalta! That shit has changed my life son! They should bottle that shit and sell it! Wait they already did that.. best $150 a month you can spend! Ever since she has been taking that shit she has been a pleasure to live with! Not in like a sure whatever, I don’t give a fuck way, she is like a normal person, she gets pissed then gets over… she is rational now! Like living with a dude, if he was 115 pounds, pretty, with great tits, an ass you can’t keep your hands off and a vagina that is… well let’s just say it is very nice.

The moral here is if you really like spending time with someone “ fucking them” don’t fuck it up and get married to them, until you are done fucking, have sewed your oats, and are ready to go without. Then, when you choose your marriage partner, choose someone you really like to hang out with because forever is a long time when you’re not getting much action. That or pick a hot person with a shitty attitude and get them on Cymbalta.

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