The White Person’s Guide to Creating a Quesadilla
Prep Work: Spend the previous night consuming alcohols. All the alcohols. Mix your shots and remember… beer before liquor. You are going to need a proper little hangover to complete this recipe.
Step 1: Unplug your microwave and carry it outside. Place the microwave into your trunk and drive your car at least 3 blocks away. Walk back to your house. The temptation to just throw this shit in the microwave is going to be too great. There needs to be a suitable amount of distance between yourself, the quesadilla and the nuker. If you feel 3 blocks isn’t quite adequate… push your microwave containing car into a lake… or a swimming pool. Be creative.
Step 2: Find/place chips and salsa on the kitchen counter located nearest to the stove. Chips and salsa must be consumed for the majority of the quesadilla creating. Make sure the salsa is home-made. If you don’t know how to make salsa… become friends with someone who does. If you attempt to use store-bought salsa, a cowboy will likely ride his stinky horse into your kitchen and act all dramatic because your salsa was probably made in New York City. This is distracting, trust me… Just make the damned salsa.
Step 3: Get distracted by how disgustingly filthy the counter is, where the microwave had previously been. Stare at the unsanitary mess, from across the kitchen. Eat chips and salsa. Throw small-ish un-dipable chip towards the mess on the counter to see if anything has the ability to run away. Perform quick mental inventory to see if there are any children available to clean the mess. Decide that you are far to famished to partake in any kind of cleaning and return your focus to the creation of the quesadilla.
Step 4: Extract pan from where ever you keep your pans. Place pan on stove top. Turn on burner. Eat chips and salsa, while waiting for the pan to heat up. If you’re not sure how to check the pan for proper heat-age… wave your hand over it. If the air above said pan is warm, you’re good.
Step 5: Rummage through your package of tortillas until you find the largest one. They may all appear to be the same size… but they’re tricky like that. Go big or go home, tortilla! Once you’ve found your ideal tortilla, throw that bitch in the pan. Your quesadilla will always taste better if you do a combination of throwing the tortilla while yelling out “Ole” You may want to whisper the “Ole” depending on the severity of your hangover.
Step 6: Realize that you never checked to see if you have any shredded cheese. Mutter your choice of obscenities as you trudge to the refrigerator. Unearth a package of shredded cheese, age unknown. Return to your heated tortilla and throw some cheese on that bitch. Realize that the tortilla to cheese ratio, you are looking at, is not up to par.
Step 7: Find more cheese!!! Sliced American cheese, string cheese, cottage cheese, blue cheese dressing… it doesn’t matter! That quesadilla needs mo’ cheese, STAT!
Step 8: Fold the un-cheesed side of your quesadilla over top of the cheesed side. Kind of like a blanket… put the cheesed side “night-night”
Step 9: Realize that you haven’t eaten any chips and salsa, in a while… Eat the funk outta some chips and salsa. Dive into the bag head-first, if you feel the need. ***Please note to grab some salsa BEFORE diving into the chip bag.***
Step 10: Flip that shit. Make sure you insert your flipper under the OPEN side… or was it the closed side? Shit, I don’t remember and your quesadilla is starting to burn… FLIP!
Step 11: Your flip was far too enthusiastic and your partially cooked quesadilla is now sitting half on your stove and half on the counter-top. Return displaced quesadilla to the pan. Gently. Step 12: Your finished quesadilla is going to need a safe landing spot, upon completion. Break out your finest plastic-ware… Don’t actually “break” it… just get it out…. Nicely.
Step 13: Quit ignoring the chips and salsa. They have feelings too!
Step 14: You’re quesadilla is probably done… and if not, screw it… You’re hungry and it’s time to eat. Pick up nearby spatula, for optimum quesadilla removal… realize 2 centimeters away from your lovely quesadilla that this spatula is actually the dirty spatula you used this morning, to make scrambled eggs. Throw dirty egg spatula down in horror. Remove quesadilla with whichever flipper you had previously used. Place onto plate. Whisper your apologies to the quesadilla for almost touching it with a dirty egg spatula.
Step 15: Stand in the middle of your kitchen and eat the hell out of your quesadilla. Throw your plate towards the sink and realize, before exiting the kitchen, that your stove is still on. Turn it off.
Step 16: Ignore the mess. Either kids or small vermin will eventually take care of it.
Step 17: Quesadilla coma.