Friday, April 27, 2012

Because Some People Forget the Rules

Booty Call Contract
This pre-booty call agreement (hereafter referred to as the Agreement) is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2008, by__________________ _____, between ____________and_____ _________. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES: 1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning. 2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening. 3. No calls before 9 PM - we do not have shit to talk about. 4. None of that lovemaking shit - only sex allowed. 5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so do not ask. 6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the backup, unless you are from out-of-town, then it’s only a one-time advanced arrangement. 7. All gifts accepted - money is always good. 8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged. 9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it is really none of your damn business. 10. No calling each other friends with privileges we are not friends, just sex buddies. 11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - do not be offended. 12. No extra clothing - I do not want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave. 13. No falling asleep right after sex - it’s over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home. 14. Do not be offended if I do not ask if you enjoyed it - I really do not care. 15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason. 16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: My roommates girlfriend/boyfriend. 17. Doggystyle is the preferred position - the reason is the less eye contact the better. 19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home. 20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store. 21. No phone use, please - I do not want anyone calling back looking for your ass. * EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules. Participating Party Signature___________ ____________________ ________ Date: ________________ Participating Party Signature___________ ____________________ ________ Date: ________________ __________________

How to Take a Better Shit-Your Welcome

Holy shit...literally. Shit. ok so everyday countless websites have ad banners I rarely even notice let alone click on but today this one caught me eye and I was compelled to click on the link and as they say no good deed goes unpunished. I found gold. Introducing the Squatting Potty Toilet Stool ( positions your ass for optimal bowel movements. WTF???? Seriously cause just sitting on the toilet hasn't done it for years cause your feet are touching the ground. If you pull them up then all the more shit can come out???
I think we have proved that you can make up anything in the world no matter how ridiculous and some fucktard will buy it. "Squatty Potty Toilet Stool Improves Anorectal Angle When we’re sitting this bend, called the anorectal angle, is kinked which puts upward pressure on the rectum and keeps the feces inside. This creates the need to STRAIN in order to eliminate. Compare sitting on the toilet to a kinked garden hose, it just doesn’t work properly. In a squatting posture the bend straightens out and defecation becomes easier."
It begs to ask would the Squatting Potty Stool make anal easier as well? If so they should advertise that and sales would increase dramatically. Marketing department holla at me. On a side note I'd love to know how many of you are going to try to shit in this position at least once. Make a ghetto makeshift one and stack some books up on each side for your feet.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Elegunce Ya'll

For the classy drunk
Speaking of's a book I'm pretty sure one of my friends wrote.
Why do bitches be doing shit like this? I pull up next to this car at Starbucks the other day and you know were by the beach and all so I seriously thought omg how did that car get algae on the bottom like that? Did she drive through a swamp? Is it moss? Upon further inspection I realized it was done on purpose. With Stars no less. If ever there were a time to key a car, that was it.

New Level of Ghetto

Why buy a grill from Walmart when you can just steal their shopping cart?

Thursday, April 19, 2012