Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I think I Want My Crust Back

Dear Smuckers,
Can you please make Uncrustables in "Big Boy" sizes because as you can see by my demonstration, the ratio of my mouth to your infant sized sandwich makes it so that I must consume 7 in order to feel as though I ate one regular sized Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Crust cannot be that filling…Or can it?? Hmmm…

6 Awesome Sex Tips For Your Man

....DUH :)

It's a Hard Knock Life

Instead of blogging about my trip to Cali I'm just going to say this. If my life were made into action figures, it would probably look a lot like this.

WTF is Wrong with People??

In another episode of “What the Fuck is Wrong with People” we take a look at this girl who was eating at the table next to me at the Cheesecake Factory this weekend. She was eating pizza and when she would get to the crust she would just chuck it on the ground. Yes, if she was 3 years old I might understand but unless she has some crazy ass growth disease she is WAY too old to be doing that. The very best part is her mom didn’t even skip a beat in her conversation, completely ignoring her actions. Like our table was a pond and we were ducks, grateful to have carbs thrown at us. AND, incase you're wondering she did not appear to be a RA-tard either. WTF??

And while were on the subject of WTF….how come LA has such classy jewelry?

And speaking of shitty jewelry, who the fuck buys this bullshit from Sears & JC Pennys? Why do department stores always have the tackiest settings? I picture some overweight cackling hag from Oklahoma flaunting one of these….ha…that or Jessica Simpson. Sorry girl but YO RING IS FUGLY.

And then there is this…how can you have the word junior even on this sign? It’s like skinny jeans that come in size 14! Just cause you put the word skinny on your ass doesn’t make it true.

This is a camera you strap onto your pet so that you can see the world as your pet see's it. Who (unless your high as a damn kite) is watching pets shit and sleep all day?

Oh and I had to throw myself on the WTF list today. I was dressed in all black but couldn’t find my black gloves so I had to take the white ones and just use my Mickey Mouse voice all day! OH Boy!

Hey Blockhead, I got a new Linus Woobie

Ok not to get all serious but this is an important cause close to me. On Black Friday I was out shopping at Urban Outfitters and found a new woobie. (If you don’t know what that is, go watch Mr. Mom and then come back and finish reading this.) Anyways I was thrilled because it was a super soft blue blanket but if that wasn’t good enough I read the side of the box and found out it was a Project Linus blanket!!!

Project Linus provides blankets to comfort children who are seriously ill, traumatized, or otherwise in need. My nephew was born early and had to be in the NICU for awhile. During the time he was in the incubator since they can’t have anything in there with them they drape the blankets over the top to help block out the light. Then when he was well enough he was able to use it as a regular blanket.

Now he’s 17 months old and super healthy but he still has his Project Linus woobie.

And, obviously when you have a blanket this cool you only need to rock one sock :)

So if you have a lil one you need to buy for this year or if your big like me but still love a comforting woobie then please buy one. It’s really such a good cause. When you’re a parent and your lil one is suffering it’s the worst feeling ever and to think that a blanket from a volunteer might help bring a little comfort, well there’s just no words so help out a good cause.



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Lets Fuckin Wreck This Place Dad!

I saw my neighbor outside and he told me he can always tell when I leave the house and I asked if it’s because I slam the door and he said no it’s because you let out a little squeal every time your body hits the cold air. Ahaha.

Anyways speaking of letting out squeals…I let out a big one in the dressing room at Urban Outfitters as I zipped my skin up in a skirt I was trying on. The guy was all um are you ok? No ass get in here and take your shirt off to use as a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. It did leave this nice vampire/snakebite which is kind of hot if I imagine it was caused by a delicious boy with fangs nibbling on my side.

Anyways my friend wrote a fantastic male response to my blog on the lack of romance from guys these days and it’s amazing and it made me want to hi five his dog so here you go.

I think most guys at least once in their life try to do something real romantic and sweet, and if it is a success “they get awesome sex out of it” they will continue on a path of romance. More often than not I would guess that it ends in a night of talking about feelings and cuddling, not that that isn’t cool, when I lived in Mass my nick name was “the Boston cuddler” partially because I often was found cuddling with women, and partially because I was often found cuddling with other people’s girlfriends. But back to my point, guys just want someone to play with their package, they want to put it in places where it does not belong, they want to have conversations about it, they want to have it just worn out. Whatever makes that happen is the thing they are going to do. (ha, I’m beginning to get it lol) I have 2 stories, one is romantic and ends in me taking a bubble bath while sipping on champagne and eating fruit, this is the fail story! The other one ends in some of my furniture being broken, my room made a mess of, and my dog humping one of my teddy bears. This was an awesomely successful night!


So I had been dating a girl and really liked her so I wanted to take her away for a nice romantic weekend. I booked us a private cabin in Estes Park, one of the ones with the heart shaped jacuzzi in the bedroom. I went out and bought wine, champagne, fruit, some nice lingerie for her “ you’re probably surprised I would buy a woman lingerie” (for those wondering the boy who wrote this once showed up at my doorstep on xmas day with a present, handed it to me and then left. I went inside and opened it in front of my parents and it was tons and tons of awesome expensive matching bra/panty sets and mind you this was like mid high school sometime  anyways back to the story), flowers, and all the various supplies I could think of to make the weekend perfect! So I pick her up at her place after work on Friday and we begin a beautiful drive along the mountains from Boulder to Estes Park, we talk about how awesome the weekend is going to be and all the things we are going to do and how relaxing it is going to be. So we get to the cabin and it is about 8 pm so she starts trying to find a place to get dinner while I bring our bags in and sneak my bags of romantic crap in. she gets ready and then I go into the bedroom and quickly put the flowers, champagne, glasses, fruit, and lay the nighty out on the bed one of the pieces of lingerie I got for her. We go out to dinner and on the way back she is getting tired so I tell her to rest a little on the drive back. We get back to the cabin and she wakes up and we walk in and she is like I am so tired, let’s go to bed. I was all for that idea thinking she was going to be so excited when we get in the bed room that we will be making a mess of the place until morning. We get in the room and she is like ohhhhhh your so sweet! Flowers, fruit, champagne, a nightie, and everything! You are so sweet! I can’t wait to wear it tomorrow night…Crash! Smash! Boom! Excuse me? What the fuck did you just say? Tomorrow? Are you fucking kidding me? Tomorrow is like 24hrs away! I am horny now and telling me tomorrow is like telling me I have to wait till tomorrow to take a deuce after just eating Mexican food! Of course I did not say any of this but it was what I was thinking. So I am like ok that’s fine, let’s cuddle and fall asleep then, I was confident that I could rub on her and get her hot enough to at least have a quickie with me. Girl was I wrong! So here I am with a super hot chick laying almost naked next to me I am all jacked up and wanting to go at it and she is fuckin snoring! Out to the world! Closed for business! Son of a bitch! I am so horny I cannot lay there next to her so I get out of bed and take a bubble bath, drink some champagne, and eat some fruit to chill out! The next day she was like oh last night was so romantic, you’re so sweet… I was like yeah it was really nice. The next night went down almost the same, tired after hiking and having such a relaxing day. Weekend score Estes park-$1200 of my money me -0 action! What a waste! I will never do that again!

Awesome night: – same girl!

We are at a party at 3 of my ex girlfriend’s house, my current girlfriend is drinking and acting extra sexy to me. We drink and have a good time and as it is getting to be about time to leave she whispers to me, I want to be dirty with you tonight. Huh? Wait what? I want to do something with you I have never done before. Oh shit! She is either talking about folding laundry, having a threesome, or letting me in the back door! 2 of which are awesome ideas! So we get in the car and it is just the 2 of us so 50% of my options are still awesome! We get back to my place and start fooling around immediately! We are both naked she climbs up on my entertainment center so her business is near my face, when she was getting down she stepped on a shelf and broke it but I didn’t give a fuck, we went at it on the bed! Pulled the comforter off and went at it on the floor! It was so hot my min pin grabbed one of my teddy bears and started going at it! I looked over at him and he looked at me and I swear he said to me “lets fuckin wreck this place dad!" The night went on like this for at least an hour and let me tell you, we did not fold any laundry! Score - $0 of my money, me- exhausted and sleeping like a baby!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Nigga Don't Act Like a BITCH

So the other day I posted a funny picture of Ice Cube making fun of how he went from gangster to making kids movies. And to think we all thought “Anaconda” was such a bad choice…little did we all know. Then I started thinking about it and it just got worse. Let’s see we’ve got Ice-T on Law & Order, Lil Wayne and Kanye wearing tight pants and scarves, We’ve got Eminem’s cd called Recovery, Dr. Dre’s cd is called Detox and then today I finally hit my breaking point with the following.

First I found out 50 Cent is lasering off his tattoos for his $200 million movie contract. Isn’t this the same guy that just had a song with E40 singing “Nigga don't act like a BITCH”? Um maybe take your own advice.

Then I found out Rick Ross has bigger boobs than me. Come on now, someone needs to TiVo Hip Hop Ab’s.

After that I saw that Will Smith’s daughter, Willow, has the #2 song on iTunes and she sings “Hop up out the bed turn my swag on”. She’s effing 9 years old!!!! You can’t have swag when your 9! Even the Fresh Prince knows that.

And the final straw came when I found out Xzibit signed a two year contract to be on Extreme Home Make Over. Are you kidding me right now? First of all the type of people who watch that show are like middle age suburbanites, what would they find relatable to a black guy who’s lyrics include “I can drink a whole Hennessey fifth
Some call that a problem but I call it a gift” and “Choke me, spank me, pull my hair”. Don’t get me wrong I used to love me some Xzibit but seriously I just wanna know what high level executive pitched this idea?

How do you go from this?

to this.

I can’t take anymore of this. When did rappers become such bitches??? I’m throwing in the towel, its’ all country, unts unts unts and death metal from now on.

The Recipe For Happiness

Know what this is?

According to me in 1982 it was the “Recipe for Happiness?” I’m gonna take it old skool and give it a try for today and see how it pans out for me.
(Are you saying Pan or Pam? Heylo Miss Lady, I think I can help with this "pan-pam" dilemma were having here.)

On a side note in 1982, with the world at my hands my "dreams" were to have $300 for Firecrackers and to be able to grow up and be a nurse, not to help people but to be able to wear the costume. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me now is well aware of how I made this dream come true.

Oh and completely unrelated but I decided if I were ever to become a stoner I would just work at Target so that I could look forward to coming to work each day trying to discover something amazing that I never knew existed like these equisite finds that Ralphs and Vons must just not know about.

Backscracthes Are the New Hickey

My friend Xilla pointed out the other day to me that back scratches have become the new hickey. Hickeys can obviously only get there by one way therefore letting the world…and sometimes your girlfriend, know that you have gotten some action. For whatever reason, hickeys have gone out of style, deemed trashy and inappropriate so it seemed as though there was a void until now. The back scratch has stepped in to fill it. Similar to the hickey back scratches indicate that you have had some naughty fun and just like with hickeys no one gives them to themselves so there’s no good alibi like come on baby I was just real itchy so I clawed my own back wolverine style. (Side note: how fuckin awesome was the Wolverine costume this Halloween??) Anyways, I’m going to go out on a limb here and dare to say backscratchers are even worse than hickeys because let’s face it, you can and most likely gave or got a hickey during a make out sesh. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a hickey but I can say that when I received one it never escalated to sex. That being said pretty much the only time a girl is going to scratch a dudes back is when he’s balls deep in her and his dick is pounding into her cervix like he’s drilling for oil. So the moral of the story is if your man comes home with a hickey, you need to stop dating 14 year olds. If your man comes homes with scratch marks on his back, you need to find a new man right after you kick his ass.

Of course, it could always be this...

Jesus and Prostitutes

Since we’ve already set up the Christmas tree I felt it was only necessary to bring out the nativity scene as well.

Not only do I like my baby Jesus to party…

I also like my prostitutes to wear reflective vests…