Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Restraining Order Against Jager

After this weekend’s events I was left with no choice but to file a restraining order against jager.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I Wanna Finger Blast UR Heart

I have a new pick up line for you and 70% of the time it works all the time and though it came straight from a 14 yr old, I’ve road tested it and it does in fact work. Walk up to someone and as serious as can be shout HEY! and when you have their attention say I wanna finger blast your heart and take your 2 finger God given hand gun and point it at their heart and blast it, then for dramatic effect blow the smoke off the end of your finger tips and wait……maybe even holster your “gun”…..YES the cheese factor is insanely high but I guarantee the person will at least laugh and you can then tell them you know its cheesy but you were just trying to think of something clever to start talking to them. I’m telling you the 1st time I heard it I was so caught off guard but I laughed my ass off and I really couldn’t be mad at a dude for at least coming up with something different.

Sooo….I’ve had this picture sitting in my living room since I moved in so today I got the brilliant idea to hang it up and I got my fancy level out and got my nail and started to LIGHTLY hammer it in and I was 2 taps in (yes literally I was tapping lightly!) and a whole chunk of the wall just broke and cracked so now what do I do? See this is when I need a man.

Did u get the memo: Unfuck the Situation

Ohhh how Starbucks has no clue how much they messed with my day. Though I allowed more than enough time to get ready something happened when I went into my time warp shower today and I lost like 30 minutes so I went from being on time to better haul ass to work. Now most people in a time crisis like that involving employee might skip their morning latte but not this one. So I ran into my neighborhood starbucks and grabbed my latte and ran out. (* a lil sidenote, anyone who saw me try to just walk in my skirt today knows that the term “ran” is used loosely) So I jump on the freeway, grab for my beautiful foamy latte only to find out it is 100% SOY NOT WHAT I ORDERED!!!! There was no going back so I had all that time to drive to work and work up an inappropriate amount of seething. I know what your saying, really? You got that bent over a latte? But you don’t understand….I love my morning latte, it’s my woobie. It makes me feel safe and warm inside and now that was all taken from me….on top of that my pantyhose ran and there was just no time to stop and buy new ones so here’s my morning so far and then this………….

I’m still fairly new at my job and though I was told awhile back that “we like to use PDF’s” I forgot when I was sending a memo out yesterday to some people in our company. So instead of a PDF file they got a word file. Let me reiterate this did not go to a client or the entire company and it was just a memo on the upcoming retreat. So immediately I get an email back from my boss letting me know about my mistake. I fixed it right away and sent out the memo in the correct PDF format!!! So….tell me why this morning I had to go over it again and again with every person in my office? I felt like I was on the Office Space movie…like I didn’t get the memo about the TPS Reports!! And it was the same thing…so I hear you made an error yesterday, if there’s something you don’t understand or need training on…no I was told I just simply forgot, made a mistake, won’t happen again. Ok but if you want someone to go over it with you, if your unsure…ahhhh and on and on and on…and again……ok so then I think I’m being funny and I’m going to find a TPS memo online only the joke was on me because what is the very 1st thing that pops up??? Get your office Space TPS form in PDF form!!!! Come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PDF? does that stand for Please Don’t Fuckup???

Three words…Peanut Butter Oatmeal. This seasoned genius at my place of employment turned me onto this. Cook your oatmeal as you normally would and when it’s done just throw a spoonful of peanut butter in there and let it melt and stir it all around….freakin brilliant idea for all of us Peanut Butter Lovers!!!

I heard someone tell someone else they needed to “unfuck” a situation yesterday and I thought how fantastic, now when I mess up I just need to find the unfuck button. Once we perfect the situational unfuck we can start working on how to unfuck actual people both figuratively and of course literally.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

If I were doing Bill Gates

If I were fucking Bill Gates the very first thing I’d ask him is to invent a phone technology that would do the following:

When people send more than one message or vm it would automatically delete the previous one so I never have to read more than one at a time from one person. What is it with you multiple texters? Do you think that your first 9 messages didn’t go through? That they got lost in the cyber world? If people don’t respond it’s because they are either busy or don’t want to. And let’s just say they are busy at that moment there is nothing more awkward then trying to have an important conversation with someone and having your phone going off like a freaking pin ball machine ping ping ping ping…..then you gotta deal with the oh so clever “wohoho your blowing up, Mrs. Popularity”….and then you look to see that your super important 45 text messages say hey, yo, hi, whats up? Whatryadoin? U out? Wanna go out? Did you get my first text?”

The next feature on my FG (fuckgates) phone would be a preset option for certain numbers of people who always leave 3 hour messages letting you know that they are driving and were thinking of you and what they did that day and how you don’t need to call back and faawwwwkkkk delete delete delete. With my feature it would direct those peoples numbers straight to my voicemail and then when they were done recording their message it would say your message had exceeded the limit please try a shorter message and it would keep doing this time and time again until at last they can manage to sum up what their calling about in 20 seconds or less.

My third and final feature would enable me to set certain numbers to only call during certain hours. If they call outside of these hours nothing would happen. There calls would get lost along with their hopes. It won’t ring, it won’t allow voicemail, and it won’t connect….nothing. Then when they call during appropriate times and you speak to them you can just play dumb like that’s weird…freaking t-mobile!

If anyone knows how to make these dreams become my reality I would be so excited.

Date Rape Lipgloss and Buttersticks

Current mood:gangster...duh
Married on MySpace, Season 2??? What? How did I miss Season 1 of this and where do I sign up for my myspace husband? This is ridiculous, my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. So tis the week of awesome inventions so I thought I’d share my top 5:

#1 The butter stick…really? How dope is this? I’d carry this shit in my purse and put butter on everything and everyone. My nickname would be Buttersnack or Butters for short.

#2 The boyfriend pillow cause the creepiness of having a fake scary arm draped over you is outweighed by the comfort of knowing bobby pillow cares and he will spoon the shit out of you when your loser BF bounces so no more settling ladies!

#3 Bacon grease candles. ohhh I can almost hear the fat people around the world rejoicing. It’s supposed to be for cooking purposes or for when you just need that hint of bacon grease but why do I not feel comfortable in thinking that its being used for its real purpose? This just has so much potential to go wrong.

#4 Date Rape Detecting Lipgloss. How boring is this? I like my daterape to be a surprise. This will come in handy especially since I always test my shots with my lips before I down them. How long do floories take to kick in anyways??

#5 The Step N Wrap. I actually have a witness who can confirm that I almost choked on my excitement when I saw this. I thought I was being punked but no it is real and I want it. I want everyone who comes into my house to Step…..and WRAP!
(Due to janky advertising I do not have a picture)

BTW, omg wtf….lol…happened in HB last night? I went to get Starbucks this morning and felt like I slept thru Katrina.

Cheating at The Branch Office

Occasionally you find a gem in an otherwise boring magazine and lucky for you I have put in enough reading time to finally find it. Maxim had an article written by a girl tell guys how to cheat and get away with it. All were solid pieces of advice.

Make your girl a guy.....

Very basic info here people. Obviously we care way less about a midnight text from Rob then from Rachel. You can easily play it off. Oh man Rob must be out drinking again. I’ll just get back to him in the morning….this is an excellent time to quickly view the message or turn off your phone if you sense the texts/calls might continue.

Hackproof your life.....

Do not use the same passwords for all of your accounts. Do not log onto check anything other than movie times on her computer. We all have nerdy IT guy friends somewhere just dying to help us discover the truth about our lying boyfriends.

Always be reachable.....

It doesn’t matter if you’re midthrust, pick up your phone and text her and say it’s loud or I’m in a meeting, I’ll call you back in a few minutes when I find a quiet spot or when the meeting is over. If the girl your boning doesn’t know you have a GF, tell her it’s your boss and you have to respond because blah blah blah.

Take it to the grave.....

Here’s where guys usually mess up. They have to brag, they have to tell someone. The problem is the world is a lot smaller then you think and people remember stuff. (My fav part of Superbad is “Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants? That was like 8 years ago, asshole! People don't forget!) It’s true, people don’t forget. And guys have a tendency to tell on their friends to get the focus off them so your guy friend might tell his lady about what you did to make him look better but she now knows and girls can be chatty little fuckers.

Chose wisely.....

Chose someone who has as much to lose or more then you. Don’t pick some hooters waitress who’s looking for a baby daddy; pick the married girl who doesn’t want to lose her escalade and lavish lifestyle.

Don’t date your fling.....

Have sex, that’s it. No texting, emailing, movie and dinner dates. Don’t tell her about your feelings or the problems you’re having with your wife. The less she knows about you the better.

Don’t overcompensate.....

When people are guilty they act guilty. Keep the status quo. Don’t suddenly start bringing home flowers if you didn’t do it before. Do it once and we might not catch on but do it any more often and we will definitely wonder why you’re suddenly so sweet.

Now….onto my #1 favorite idea from this article……For those out of town booty calls you simply just need to……

Open a Branch Office Your chick will be so proud of your promotion and all the long hours and hard work your putting in. Throw in some complaining about how of all the places why did they have to pick San Antonio and how much you hate being away from her but you’re doing it for “us”. She’ll be busy flipping through magazines picking out furniture for the house your going to have when you become the big boss that she won’t even realize your just down in San Diego or in Tulsa banging some girl you met on MySpace. Brilliant!

Now, onto my fav craigslist of the week: I like this one a lot because I actually felt the need to contact my friend Kyle to make sure he didn’t in fact, actually write this.

· Dear stripper, - m4w....


· Date: 2009-10-27, 6:24PM MST....


· .. ..

· Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,

You were beautiful. 5’8 with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in…Well you know.

I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.

I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry.

Kyle ....

The Story of the Engagement Ring...

The story of the ring…So a lot of you have noticed the nice new rock Im sporting on my ring finger these days. No I did not run off and get engaged, it was given to me by my grandmother. As you all know shes been in the hospital for some time now and is going to pass away soon. When all of the grandkids came out to say their goodbyes she gave me her ring then. Its definitely safe to say that I got the one thing everyone was wanting from her so I put it right on my finger and am not planning on taking it off. It’s a classic ring, 50 years old and has amazing style so whenever I do get married Im going to use this ring. I hope to love my spouse and have as long lasting of a marriage as my grandparents did. This ring will always kind of be a reminder of a different time where marriages lasted a little longer and family values were checked a bit more. Anyways I found this in my grandma’s jewelry box and thought it was pretty cool. Interesting that 50 years ago this ring cost $243. Back then that was probably an awful lot considering the average salary was $4,743 and minimum wage was $1.00.

Now onto a completely unrelated bit of news...I'm pretty sure I saw Strawberry Shortcakes house on the freeway...

The word "cunt" has lost its edge

Current mood:ohcraigslist!

I think it's time for a worse swear than "cunt". It used to be that was the absolute top of the swearing hierarchy. You could stop any discussion just by flashing the joker of all swear words. I mean... wow. Cunt. it's got two hard consonants. Not only that, but they are at the beginning and at the end. Come in with a crash, go out with a bang. And the 'u' gives it that really short syllable sound. See, the word "fuck" is similar, but it's just too undecided. First off, it begins with sort of a foo foo sounding letter... fffff, I mean what's that? Then as far as the meaning, well it's just not focused enough... could be a noun, could be a verb... you can combine it with other words, there's just no direction. Make up your mind. Now... "cunt", there's a word that knows exactly what it's trying to say. It doesn't need a context. But now everyone's on the cunt bandwagon, and it's just not the same anymore. There isn't that thrill of "ooohhh, who's gonna top that?". It's just mundane everyday now. We need something that can be applied to anyone, an equal opportunity word like fuck or cunt but worse. Cuck? Nah, that's too much like cock. What about Funt? No, that just sounds like gay football or something. So, anyway, if someone's got any ideas... run it by the panel of judges, and we'll let you know if yours is a winner. For now, let's slow down on the usage of cunt... like antibiotics. And don't forget to wash your ass.

This has been a public service announcement.

#124 Hating People Who Wear Ed Hardy

April 13, 2009 by clander

Often it can be easier to find common ground with a white person by talking to them about something you both hate. Discussing things you both like might lead to an argument over who likes it more or who liked it first. Clearly, the safest route is mutual hatred. When choosing to talk about something that white people hate, it’s best to choose something that will allow white people to make clever comments or at the very least feel better about themselves. Currently, the easiest way to do that is to ask a white person for their thoughts on people who wear Ed Hardy.....

Ed Hardy is a clothing company that makes a wide range of expensive t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans. These clothes are notable for their use of elements from classic tattoo design such as skulls, hearts, and dragons. On the surface, the use of the words “classic” “tattoo” and “t-shirt” would seem like a logical fit for white people, but it is not. White people hate these clothes unilaterally and it is advised that you merely accept that at face value. If you were to ask a white person to explain why a regular size dragon logo is ok but one that goes around the neck is not, you would be trapped in a long and fruitless conversation.....

To put this in proper perspective, Ed Hardy is so hated by white people that it cannot be worn ironically. This is no small feat. As it stands, the only other entries in this category are Nazi Uniforms, Ku Klux Klan Robes, and self-tanner.....

Since you cannot in good conscience have an Ed Hardy themed party, the best way to make use of this white hatred is to give your stories a little more appeal to white people.....

For example, if you take the reasonable but not compelling story: “I got cut off in traffic this morning and when I honked the guy gave me the finger,” and replace it with: “I got cut off in traffic this morning by this guy in an Ed Hardy shirt. I honked and then he gave me the finger!” The story will become sixty percent more interesting to white people because it allows them to make a witty response like: “I guess that douche bag had to get to a UFC party or a nightclub event he was promoting.”....

Follow this up with a laugh, a high five, and a compliment about the acceptable shirt the white person is wearing and you will find yourself with a new friend.....

.. ..

* You can also switch it up and use Tapout or Affliction in the same manner.

Top 10 Things NOT to Do If You Are Arrested

PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THIS ADVICE. A wide variety of people are arrested every day and the majority of the individuals make the same mistakes which make there situation even worse. Many of these reactions are understandable, however some defy logic and reason. Nobody plans on being arrested, but you may be arrested for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Share this with your colleagues, friends and family because it will come in handy for many of you. The basic rule is to simply listen to the officer and do as your told, "Put Your Hands Behind Your Back" and do NOT do any of these Ten Things:

1. Don't Talk.

Do not say a word to the officer. Shut the F. up! I cannot stress to you the importance of this rule. Do not talk! Do not attempt to convince the officer of your innocence. Everyone is innocent, no one should be arrested and no one should be in jail and that is all the officer hears all day every day. He / she does not care generally whether you are innocent or guilty and there is nothing that he / she can do at this point. Most times, when people speak to officers they say something that makes their situation far worse. Keep your mouth shut, there will be plenty of time to talk later.

2. Don't Run.

I said above to listen to the officer and follow his / her instructions. Do not be scared and do not let the liquid courage aka alcohol convince you that you can outrun the twelve officers and helicopter that will track you down. Also, police become highly suspicious that someone running has a weapon and may be quick to draw their weapon. Additionally when they do run you down expect much stronger force used to subdue a fleeing suspect.

3. Never Resist Arrest.

Perhaps the most important thing not to do is touch the police officer at all! Again, sober up quick and follow what the officer says. Many people attempt to bump the officer or swat an officers hands away. This often falls under the assault statutes and now a minor misdemeanor arrest becomes a FELONY. Thus a reckless driving charge leads to a year or more in state prison. Additionally, touching the officer in any way can lead to a batton in the mouth.

4. Don't Believe the Police.

It is perfectly legal for the police to lie to get you to make an admission. The police frequently separate two friends and tell one the other one ratted him / her out. Because of the lie, the other friend now rats the first friend out. Police and detectives also state that "it will be easier" to talk now...LIES!!! DON'T BELIEVE THIS BS! It will only be easier for the police to prove their case!

5. No Searching.

Do not allow the police to search anywhere! If the police officer asks, they do not have the right to search and must have your consent. If you are asked make sure you proclaim to any witnesses that "You (the police) do not have consent to search." If they perform the search anyway, that evidence may be thrown out later. Also, if you consent to a search, the officers may find something that you had no idea you had placed somewhere, ie: marijuana left by a friend.

6. Don't Look At Places Where You Don't Want Police to Search.

Police are trained to watch you and react to you. They know that you are nervous and scared and many people look to the areas that they don't want the police to search. Do not react to the search and do not answer any questions. LOOK DOWN AND KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!

7. Do Not Talk Shit to the Police.

I don't care if you have been wrongly arrested and the true culprit is standing in front of you. Don't talk shit! Police hear all day that my dad is the the Governor's Assistant's Intern and I will have your badge for this! Police have a lot of discretion in the upcoming charges brought. Police can add charges, change a misdemeanor to a felony, or even talk to the prosecutor that is ultimately prosecuting you.

8. If Police Come to Your Home, Do not Let Them In and Do Not Step Outside Your Home

If the police are confident you have committed a felony, they are coming in anyway, because they generally don't need an arrest warrant. Make it clear to the police by stating: "No you may not come in", or "I am comfortable talking right here", or "You need a search warrant to enter my home." If they return, your attorney can arrange for you to turn yourself in should that be necessary and you will spend no time in jail between the hearings.

9. Outside Your Home Arrested, Do Not Accept Offer to Go In Your Home for Anything.

The officer may say to you, how about you go inside and change, freshen up, talk to your wife, husband, get a jacket, or any other reason. The police will graciously escort you in and then tear your home apart searching through it. Also, do not let them secure your car. Your car is fine. Remember they are lying to you. They don't give a damn if you are really cold or if you need to talk to your wife or husband.

10. Don't say a word.

It's incredible how many people feel that they can convince the officer, the booking officer or a detective (if your case reaches that stature) that they are not guilty. YOUR CASE IS NOT DECIDED BY THESE PEOPLE. They have no affect on your records. Wait to speak to your lawyer! The courts give enormous weight to "confessions" during this stage. A suspect is almost NEVER released after being arrested.

Follow these ten simply rules religiously and many of your rights will remain intact. I don't care how nervous, scared or drunk you are, THESE RULES ARE VERY IMPORTANT, and will help you tremendously in the short and long run.

Quick Test Question

An altercation occurs with your live in girlfriend. When the police arrive they find you on the sidewalk, a few houses down the street. Your girlfriend points you out and the officers then arrest you for assault. During the arrest, they let you know that they do not intent to question you. They just need your name and address. What do you do?


Well the police are lying to you and rule number 1 is to keep your mouth shut, so you don't say anything. Your name is all you may need to give. If you give your address, that may indicate that you live together converting your alleged crime from a misdemeanor to a felony. An officer will attempt to get you to make an admission, especially when they have no evidence. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

Let me shove a falcon heart in ur vagina

Current mood:Really??
Let me shove a falcon heart in your vagina? - m4w - 27 (West Village)


Date: 2010-01-14, 4:29PM EST

Reply To This Post


I want to try a legendary sex move called "The Polish Falcon," and I need a woman who is willing to experience it with me. We will travel to Poland and capture a falcon. We'll take it to my place (a tasteful loft), put it in a cage, and start fucking. As I'm about to ejaculate I will reach into the falcon's chest, pull out its still-beating heart and shove the heart into your vagina, then climax inside you. Also I will take you out for a magnificent brunch.

Let's make some memories.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1552843005

Umm….where to begin? Im just gonna let you all take a moment to go ahead and reread this posting again….1st question, what other “legendary sex moves” are there like this that I don’t know about? Is there some sort of handbook I can reference? 2nd, how exactly does one “capture” a live falcon? I tried to google it but shit didn’t come up except how to capture a falcon…with your camera! 3rd, Im pretty sure people who are down to fuck some weirdo they met on craigslist don’t care if they fuck in a tasteful loft or in a dirty alley. 4th, most guys can barely put together the words to let the girl know they are about to “ejaculate” much less be able to reach over, undo the cage and reach into a falcons chest to pull out its heart!!! Ahahaha um can someone make this into a porn for me? Just so I can see how it would play out. So after he does all this he still has his super erection and can cum??? 5th, I like how he goes back and fourth between proper language like climax and vagina but balances it out with things like ”fucking” and ripping hearts out. Finally we come to the 6th most amazing part of this post….the magnificent brunch….I mean, really, how else would you end that experience? Hey thanks for letting me put that falcon heart in your vag. You might want to take some antibiotics or something and lay low for a couple of days.

So…speaking of weird vag stuff, there is a website that has vulva pendants because nothing says classy like a flapping vagina necklace. Dude, whatever happened to the good ol’ fashioned pearl necklace??

Swine Flu Free Sex

So it seems you cant go a day without hearing some sort of Swine Flu reference so it was no suprise to me that a magazine would have an article on I innocently sat on a plane trying to stay current on my medical knowledge (so I can role play Dr. correctly lol) I had to fall out laughing when I got to this article. I love that the very first method in reducing your swine flu chances is reverse cowgirl. Notice how far down shaking hands is. Im just guessing here but I'd assume most people only have sex with one person in a day yet shake hands or hug more depending on how you roll. Either way I guess the next time you want your girl to try something new in bed just tell her that your just concerned with her health and dont want her to possibly catch swine flu. This has been a public service announcement.