Monday, July 26, 2010

I Love Big Fat Sausages

UUh…late night TV provides me with more questions than answers. First up those ads that encourage you to pick up the phone and talk to other singles in your area…what is that? Am I dumb and not getting that that some sort of escort type thing or are there really people sitting at home (guys & girls) who just want to talk to other people on the phone? I seriously can’t imagine that is the case so if someone can fill me in that would be super.

The next one is the vaginal odor commercials. Ladies I’m not a doctor but I do own a nurse costume which makes me qualified enough to say this: If you smell like fish pie something is wrong. You have some sort of infection or disease. Normal vag does not smell to the point of needing a special cleanser. Seriously if it’s that potent you need to go to a doctor not to Wal-Mart for scented wash.

Speaking of gross vaginas doesn’t this turkey’s face remind you of when Britney Spears got caught wearing no panties? Just sayin….

Oh and I know this isn’t the right time but I heard my most favorite line ever last week. “Eat it up n’ beat it up” I know that’s not what you want to think about after that last paragraph but I just thought it summed up my preferences nicely and wanted to share.

And finally…the booty shape ups. The next time I’m going out I’m going to march on down to Bed, Bath & Beyond first and buy a pair of these to see if it makes me look bootylicious. I wonder what it feels like if someone were to grab your ass? What if it’s like memory foam and leaves a hand indention? Maybe it makes it feel all tight and firm and then when the guys gets you home he can be doubly disappointed when he takes off your fake booty and your padded bra. Uhhh…this is so not what I order??

I went roller skating with my son this weekend and I got hit on by an old ass man. I get it though because everyone else there was a preteen so I probably was actually the next closest to his age. Anyways he tried this move which seems to be increasing in popularity. Instead of acting like they want your number for a date or whatever they try to act like somehow you could have a business relationship. Can I get your card? I’m not hitting on you or trying to get your number I just think we could probably do business together? Mmmm really??? Cause I work with banks and you work with cars and you just got through telling me how your ex wife took all your money and your business went to shit after that and the economy and blah blah blah and now 20 mins later you think we can do business together? Ya ok…call me.

While I was writing this a little kid came into the office selling candy. He is 12 yrs old! And from Compton! WTF? 12 yr olds should have chores, yes, jobs? No. This is seriously how this kid is spending his summer so if any of your kids are whining about how boring their summers are remind them that they could be commuting from Compton to Irvine to sell overpriced Reese’s.

Lastly, we went to the fair this weekend. If I worked for Jenny Craig AND I worked on a commission based salary I think I could have retired because never in my life have I seen so many obese people. And it’s not just fat fuckers walking around that bother me, the ones that really kill me are the fatties on the scooters or the ones smoking too….you’re so fucking gross!!!! Someone needs to tell you because you obviously don’t listen to your mirror you fat fuck! That shit did not happen overnight and eating deep fried butter or chocolate covered bacon wrapped Oreos or krispy kreme chicken sandwiches is not going to help. I saw one lady literally dropping all the merchandise she had bought because she was so wrapped up in her food. You can say I’m mean or whatever but it’s not ok to be that way. I’m not even speaking from a vain I have to look at you type way either. If are bigger than the vending machine or if you get winded walking up to the food counter you are too fucking fat. You need to stop. The fair is not the place for you. If you decide to go anyways, leave your car at home and walk your chunky self to the fair. Maybe my approach isn’t the kindest but I’m ok with shaming people into being a reasonable weight. And on a lighter note here was my favorite sign from the fair.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Perfume Can't Make You Any Prettier

Take a good look at this...

You know how I know this product doesn't work? Because if this doctor actually created such a product you know damn well she'd use it on herself which clearly judging by the picture provided did not work. In fact, I might go as far as saying it could possibly have the opposite effect. Just sayin...

While were on the topic of beauty here's the Question of the day (Strictly for clinical research :) Do you think having two-toned hair makes you into a slut or do slutty girls just like black and blonde hair?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Your Kids Are Annoying

I know this has nothing to do with anything but I think black people are more spiritual. If you watched the BET awards then you heard them take a minute to give thanks and bless God and then when I was in Hotlanta in the airport they came on over the intercom multiple times to announce the church services they have right there in the terminals! That’s awesome. You know that stuff does not happen on the VH1 or MTV awards and it surely is not happening at LAX.

So speaking of the airport….and now that we got the religious stuff out of the way…..

People!!!! Your kids are soooo annoying! Jesh. Ok I love my kid and I love my friend’s kids who are cute, well behaved children. I do not have any love for kids who are a holes. There are two specific types I’d like to address. One is the ungrateful out of control child. I saw a girl who was maybe 12 at Atlantis calling her mom (with the dad right there) a dumbass for not remembering to pack her more than 2 bathing suits….Literally my son and I stopped in our tracks when we heard her shouting this at her mom. Not once did they ever stop her to um I donno…kick her ass. Let me remind you this child is at Atlantis!!! If this is how she is now can you only imagine? It’s great to be friends with your kids but you need to draw a line and DEMAND respect at all time!!! If you don’t know how to do it call nanny 911…or my friend Lucky. Lol After a week with her your kids will come back talkin about yes ma'am can I please help you out with more chores.

The second type of kid I want to discuss is the “I can do it on my own kid”. I’m all for teaching your little ones the ways of the world, how to cross the street, push elevator buttons, carry their own suitcases but for the love of God….there is a time and place!!!! Like a time when no other people are around. Its cute and all to watch your child struggle to do it or to make entire lines/groups of people wait and miss lights, flights or elevators because were waiting on your precious short bus to pick up the freakin pace! Please save me from having to physically pick up your child or trip him/her so that I can get my impatience self to where I need to go 6 seconds faster. mmmkay thanks.