Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk FB

ohhh if only they designed some sort of puzzles you had to solve and a breathalyzer to pass before you could log into Facebook.

Something You Just Can't Get Over

The Firetruck Game

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Holla at Me Miley Cyrus

Camel Toe Wallet

ahahahah "when a purse just isn't practical" I would just love to see the look on someone's face if you were at a bar and pulled your money from your snatch pocket.


This is so true. When I feel like "ballin" I go to Target, when I am broke phi broke my ass is at Walmart trying to save $0.19 cents.

Hooker Protection Tips

(1) Stop advertising on Craig's list. It never turns out well. Unless you like getting all murdered and stuff.

(2) Stop being lazy and get yourself a work ethic. Hookers are supposed to walk the streets. It's tradition. Stop looking for shortcuts.

(3) And on the subject of pounding the pavement...Wear the biggest stilettos's you can find because -A- John's like whorey shoes, and -B- If the John pisses you off you can use the heels to stab him.

(4) Work over-time for awhile until you can afford some Karate lessons. If the economy is bad, just spend $10.00 and buy The Karate Kid. The 1984 version with Macchio. Not the new version with Fresh Prince's little brat. Watch that cinematic masterpiece over and over and study that a-hole Johnny's bad-ass Cobra Kai moves. Ignore Daniel-Son until the end, because for the first hour and a half he's just a big whiny pussy. But make sure you learn the Crane Kick from the finale. Even if you can't master it, it will make you look crazy enough that a murdery John would totally run.

(5) Educate yourself. Spend your days off watching Lifetime. They are always playing movies about hookers and murder and crap like that. Learn from Tori Spelling's mistakes. Someone has to.

(6) Don't don't drink or do drugs. It's such a cliche. I know you want to make everything blurry in order to forget the fact that you're letting a 400 pound ugly dude with a third nipple and an ass fetish give you the butt sex, but you need to stay alert. A drugged-out hooker is a dead hooker. You can't get all Chuck Norris on some John's balls if you're high as a kite. If you need to get yourself to la la land while getting pounded by a smelly John with boobs bigger than yours, take some yoga classes and practice meditation. When I am doing something I don't wanna do, I go to a place called Pattitopia. It's better than Xanadu, cuz it has Paul Rudd and Unicorns. But get your own happy place, cuz you can't come to mine. I have a strict No-Hooker Policy.
(7) Never go with the guys in the fancy cars. Rich guys are douchebag's. Look at Donald Trump. And Kanye West. And 9 times outta 10 it's the rich guys who want the weird stuff. If you go with the rich guy be forewarned: He's not gonna be Richard Gere and he's not gonna give you thousands of dollars and a room at The Beverly Wilshire. Chances are he's gonna wear a giant diaper and want you to wipe his ass.

(8) Invest in a Pimp. Yeah, them pimps got a bad rep, but you can turn the tables. Take control of the situation. The Pimp works for you. It's 2012. He's your bitch.

(9) Take your time and be choosy when selecting your Pimp. Since you've probably never been to a job interview before, ya know, cuz you're a whore and everything, you may wanna learn some interview skills by watching Barbara Walters and Diane Sawyer. Ask your prospective Pimps the tough questions:

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Fuckin' a John up!

Q: If you were a tree what kind of tree would you be?
A: The kind that fucks a John up!

Q: What is your biggest strength?
A: My ability to fuck a John up!

Q: What is your biggest weakness?
A: That I have to sleep, which takes away from time I could be fuckin' a John up! But when I do sleep I'm dreamin' about fuckin' a John up!

(10) Do not advertise for your Pimp on Craig's List. (See Tip #1)

Safe and Happy Hooking!

Monday, February 27, 2012

PPS Guide to Gang Signs

ahahha I have a tiny sandwich is probably my fav!

Windows Help

Good Guy vs. Good Sex

Thank you to my awesome girlfriend for letting me steal part of our email chain today for my blog :)I'm pretty sure my theories are correct and finally we can put this lifelong struggle to rest.

Ok so I had this theory last night. You know how most of the time you either get a really nice, good guy or you get a guy you have really good sexual chemistry from but nothing much else? Ok so I always felt like you had to settle for one or the other but I thought, being a good person isn't a learned behavior but sex is. Although some of you might disagree, hear me out because this is *almost blog worthy. I think in general you're either a good person or you're not. You're either caring, loving, sweet, sentimental, etc. or you're not. You don't sit at home reading books on how to be more thoughtful but sex on the other hand, you most certainly do. Take an average magazine cover, I guarantee there's at least one article on how to be a better lover or tips for turning on your spouse, etc....but I've yet to see the cover article called how to not lie or how not to cheat this Valentine's Day. We all started out the same sexually, no experience, not sure what we like, what we are comfortable with. I mean if you had told me 10 years ago I would like some of the things I do I would have balked at you why? Because I didn't know, or hadn't tried it or hadn’t tried it with the right person and so on. Each experience teaches you a little more about what you like and what you don't. How ever I am now sexually, whether it be good or bad, it's because someone taught me how to do it. It's a learned process so to wrap it all up, if your with someone who is a really good person and you get along well and everything is good except the sex then pick them over the rad sex but shitty human being person. Trust me, teaching them how to fuck you properly will be a lot less time, heartache and headache than trying to make things work with hot dick asshole.

*Fuck it, this is blog worthy

Friday, February 24, 2012

Just Poop

bahahaha omg the picture is the best part. "I got it"!!! I want to know this kid.

Vagina Going Away Party

Bucket List

I’ll be adding to this but for now I need a spot to keep track of the things I’m constantly trying to add to this list. If you have been with me when I’ve mentioned something please remind me of what I said so I can add it to the list.

1. Take a bath in Horchata

2. Road trip through Mexico in jean shorts and boots with Shanessa in an El Camino with a big dog and a pool in the back.

3. Do a group beach cruiser ride across the border for a TJ pub crawl.

4. Hike through DeSoto Falls

5. Rent a house and summer in the Bahamas. Wake up every morning and walk out to the water to snorkel or lay out by the sea, wrecking out suntan oil and pina coladas.
6. Tattoo my hands and neck.
7. Have one more baby.
8. Go horseback riding with this guy:

9. Be able to last more than 2 minutes on a wave-don’t care if it’s in the ocean or the wave house.
10. Get married.
11. Notarize someone’s ass.
12. Carnival in Rio de Janeiro
13. Make out with someone in a snow room.

14. Have an old fashioned picnic with the checkered blanket, basket of food and ants.

15. Have a slumber party in a castle. Extra points if it’s haunted and we tell ghost stories.

16. Drink Fiji water in one of those over the water huts in Fiji while eating a fuji apple.

17. Go to know for Carnival....ya. That's the only reason.
18. Get In A Fight At An Irish Bar

19. Making more in one day than in a year at my current job holding this sign.

20. Shoot illegal guns off the back of a baller boat in Miami while in 8 inch heels and a bikini with the Miami Vice theme song blasting.

21. Swim in the Devil's pool at Victoria Falls in Africa.

Alright that's all I can remember right now. I'll keep adding.

Ok so while I was looking up ideas for my list I came across a Bedtime Bucket List:
1. Kiss a girl
2. Have anal
3. Have a threesome
4. Engage in group sex
5. Have phone sex
6. Masturbate
7. Use a vibrator
8. Use a sex toy on someone else
9. Be tied up
10. Tie someone up
11. Have sex in a public space
12. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (live, porn does not count)
13. Sex in a car
14. Sex at a drive-in
15. Mile-high club
16. Sex with a stranger
17. One-night stand
18. Married sex (the best kind, in my opinion)
19. Sex on a boat
20. Sex in a body of water
21. Light spanking
22. Read erotica
23. Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game
24. Sex in the shower
25. Sex standing up against a wall
26. Sex with no kissing
27. Sex in the pitch black
28. Sex in the broad daylight
29. Making out with no sex long after you're no longer a virgin
30. Sex in a tent in the wilderness
31. Watch porn together
32. Watch porn alone
33. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
34. Sex on the beach
35. Blindfolds
36. Using ice sexually
37. Sexual role play
38. Whipped cream
39. La Perla lingerie sex
40. Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie sex
41. Sex with someone much older
42. Sex with someone younger (legal!)
43. Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner
44. A quickie in a skirt
45. A longie in the rain
46. Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
47. Feather ticklers
48. Sex while "altered" whether by alcohol or something else
49. Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone
50. Silent sex in a full house

I got a 34 out of 50. Is that passing?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Spanks Very Much

Soooo found my new job. Fuck a ca rwash with all that work.

He's Too Young For You Bitch

bahaha saw this today at:

I know my girl @nizzicole will have something to add to this list...

If he never learned the art of blowing on a video game cartridge to make it work... he's too young for you bitch.

If his main mode of transportation is a skateboard... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Smashing Pumpkins is a prank played during the Halloween holiday season... he's too young for you bitch.

If he has to google Gargamel's cat's name... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't "KNOW THIS MAAAN!"..... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't get mad at you for calling Transformers: 'Go Bots'.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he watched GI Joe and thought that shit was a new idea.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't know who Camel Joe is.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he never pretended to smoke a candy cigarette -- WHEN THEY WERE CANDY CIGARETTES.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't remember when Mtv played music... he's too young for you bitch.

(For my Ohio girls) If he doesn't remember Sea World in Aurora... he's too young for you bitch.

If he ever collected Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, or Digimon... he's too young for you bitch.

If he can't tell time on a clock that has hands.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Garbage Pail Kids is a horrible news story from the inner city... he's too young for you bitch

If he thinks ABC and BBD could be new STDs.... he's too young for you bitch.. (and get yourself to the clinic.)

If he thinks Boys II Men is a euphemism for puberty.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he ain't down wit OPP.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't remember having to walk at least a block to his bus stop... he's too young for you bitch.

If he only remembers the R Kelly that is dumb enough to get stuck in a closet and likes peeing on people, instead of the R Kelly who didn't see nothin wrong..... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't remember life before beanie babies... he's too young for you bitch.

If you have to explain to him that it's not a sex joke when you say "Where's the Beef?" .... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Slimer is a new sex move... he's too young for you bitch.

If he never thought of himself as a Regulator... he's too young for you bitch.

If he never wished he was a lil bit taller, wish he was a balla, or wish he had a rabbit in a hat with a bat... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't know that size matters because 'Now *THAT'S* a knife..."... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Stabbing Westward is a fighting move... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Johnny Cash wrote hurt.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Candlebox is a decorative place to keep your extra candles.... he's too young for you bitch.

If he doesn't know why 'you gotta keep 'em seperated!'... he's too young for you bitch.

If he thinks Henry Rollins is only an actor... he's too young for you bitch.

If he hasn't recycled 'It's Your Love,' and is a country boy.... he's too young for you bitch.

You Are The Father

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dangerous Pursuits

Vagina Repair

Seems legit.

Certified Asshole Certificate

Step 1: Print out
Step 2: Fill out
Step 3: Present award at make shift award ceremony to said asshole. You know you know one.

The Groupon Guide to: Ferrari Ownership

Once you ascend to the exciting and dignified world of Ferrari ownership, you’ll notice that food tastes better, the air smells sweeter, and dunks are 73% raunchier. Here are some tips that will prolong the life of your Sweet Kitten (an official slang term for Ferraris):

Give the Brake a Break: This Hot Baby (official Ferrari slang [OFS]) was made to fly, not obey traffic rules. Remember, most police officers/angry parents really only want their picture taken next to your Ferrari.

Clean the Sheen on Your Mean Machine: Don’t take this Thunder Nugget (OFS) to any two-bit car-washing place. A ride this primo should be wiped down with the fontanel of a newborn horse, or, at least, an underwear model’s birth certificate.

Full Moon = Full Vroom: If the moon is in its full phase, then pull your Phantom Tickler (OFS) out of the drive-in humidor and let her howl at the moon by revving that imported engine. Let the neighbors know who’s boss while simultaneously expelling the (now on fire) owls who like to nest in the Ferrari's gorgeous chassis.

Endorse the Horse: Ferrari makes clothes and sunglasses with its signature horse logo that you can wear to let people know that you drive one of their Velvet Grandpas (OFS).

The New Way of CPR

You know I love me some Jwunder....

What the fuck were you thinking when you got dressed this morning

This had me rollin this morning...

I have a good job, making decentish money in a field in which I am mildly happy. Should there ever come a day when I am ready to drop my keys on the office manager's desk and quit this bitch I already have my next career picked out. I am going into the full length mirror business. Why the full length mirror business you ask? Because there is obviously a severe shortage in this country and I could make a minor Arabian Royal's fortune if I sold a few to those hot messes I see out and about.

First, let me drop some truth bombs and let it be known that I am not writing this from the position of some twiggy bitch who is just picking on the big girls to make myself feel better. I have always had what one would call a “badonk-a-donk” and I am in fact a size 12. But here is my biggest secret, I know that I am a size 12 and I actually buy size 12 clothes. I want to show of my ASSets in the best light,not looking like a hemorrhoid about to burst.

Every morning when I get ready to go to my 9-5er I have one goal when I get dressed. I look at myself in the mirror and I say to myself, "self, do I look like a condom filled with mayonnaise in this outfit?" If the answer is no, then I skip my happy ass out the door and go about my day. If the answer is yes, then I go back to my closet (oh, how I wish I had the closet from Clueless. Don't throw shade at me for saying that, because we all know we wanted that shit when we saw it) and find the outfit that does not make me look like a stuffed sausage. If everyone could take that same philosophy when they get dressed inthe morning then we could see some real positive fashion change and a few less moose knuckles.

Oh, the Moose Knuckle. Don’t get me started on Moose Knuckles or their evil younger sister, the Camel Toe. If you have a Hungry Hungry Hippo of a vagina then put some fucking undies on before you put your pants on, especially if they are made of some sort of stretchy material. It's real easy and then we don't have to see your Vag chewing up your pants like you haven't fed that little thing in a week. On the other hand, If you have a Moose Knuckle/Camel Toe because your pants are so tight they are cutting off your circulation, then you obviously did not follow my morning routine of asking yourself if you look like a condom filled with mayonnaise. Because you do. And now I have to look at that gnarly shit and am throwing up 2 dollars of perfectly good Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

I am just really sick of seeing girls try to Crisco their Mount Everass into something from the Body Shop's junior department. If you are a bigger girl then you know deep down in your heart of hearts if you have no business wearing skinny jeans, leggings, spandex, lycra or what ever other synthetic material that makes my lady parts pucker in horror just by the thought of it. You know the old adage that "spandex is a privilege, not a right." So then what's all the confusion about? Why do I still constantly see a 300 lb woman in a 100 lb woman’s outfit. I don’t know what friend you need to slap in their lying mouth for telling you that you look good, but that bitch obviously hates you for allowing you to dress like that and hates me for making me have to bare witness to that fashion fuckery.

Let me say for the record that I don't think that all fashion blunders are expressly the fault of the wearer. I will say it is not a woman's fault that some cock goblin in fashion decided one day that skinny jeans were going to be the next big fashion craze or that they were going to bring back leggings and options to wear instead of actual pants. No, the fault lies in the fact that these women want to go with the fashion trends and give into them, even though every part of their body is rejecting it by either eating it or flopping over the side in the most disastrous of muffin tops. Say it with me “not every fashion trend is for my body.” And then go buy a fucking mirror. Wal-Mart usually has them for less than $10. Or just check back with me a in a few weeks/months/years, I may be selling them on the side of the road!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

How ur Man Parties Without You

For the most part I like to think of myself as a trusting girlfriend, however, no matter how cool with you going out or hanging out with your friends I may be or may act like I am, this is in fact what I envision happening in my head. As does every other girl. Sometimes I worry a bit but most other times we're so fucking glad to get your ass out of the house so we can take a damn bath, eat count chocula and hang out with our friend, Rabbit.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Thing U Can't Unsee

Ever find yourself going about your day and you take a wrong turn on google images and suddenly your faced with an image that brings back the same feelings as repressed childhood trauma that you so fought so hard for years to block out?

Monday, February 13, 2012

We Can Live Like Jack n Sally If You Want

This is an actual stage. I think this would be the coolest thing ever to get married on.

Whitney Died? Where the Fuck was Costner?

Dude this bitch was a crack addict despite what she lied to Diane Sawyer about. Crack is wack? Dying in a bathtub hours before the pregrammy party is wack you attention whore! She was america's sweetheart um about the same time Madonna was "like a virgin" knock it off with all this shocked business. She was a train wreck. She had a kid, money, whatever the fuck she wanted and she pissed it away cause she couldn't regulate herself.

All that dirty glass dick sucking she did was more important than her daughter so go on with all your whitney posts and RIP bullshit, glorify her and talk about what a tragedy it is then go delete yourself from my life cause this bitch not only made her grave, she fucking embroidered her sheets.

and uh as always....Bobby Brown is tha shit....He obviously know how to handle his crack....

Who Didn't See It Coming?

stop it....silent library :)

Friday, February 10, 2012

Please Just Fuck Me Already

Found this on FB and thought it was so brilliant I had to share

Happy Valentines Boys Heres Some Directions 2 A Great Day, Im Not Friggin Kidding Aboot This READ IT THEN DO IT.....

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who.

Man Eats Underwear to Beat DUI Charge

I wish they mentioned his vehicle type because judging by the creepy mustache I'm guessing it's an old white kidnapper van.

Thing I am Good At.

Toilet Yoga

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Blame it on Crystal

So here I sit writing this blog on a lovely Thursday morning...from where you might like where I'm supposed to be? Nooo and why? Because of my friend, Crystal. The other day she posted on her Facebook status about whether she should try the Master Cleanse. For those who don't know it's basically a very disciplined fast with juice, cayenne and maple syrup for ten days. Well I'm hungry like a fat girl all the time so I couldn't do all that but I saw this section on something called a Salt Water Flush. Basically you drink a quart of warm water on an empty stomach with 2 tsps of salt. Supposably within 5 minutes you will shit your life and toxins away then in an hour your skinny and flushed out and good to go. Basically a ghetto colonic. Well keeping up with my princess like qualities I never really have been one to shit roses on a regular basis so I thought hey why don't I do this? You see right here was the same part of my brain making the decision that also is responsible for saying one more shot when I'm at a bar.

Anyways I set my alarm for 5am, got up and chugged my warm salt water....100% harder than it sounds, especially right when you wake up, empty stomach....warm...gross....salty (yeah yeah)....a quart!!

So it says lie on your right side to aid digestion so I go back to bed and do so. An hour later I woke up and nothing. I didn't even feel like I had to go however I did feel like puking up that water. It just feels like it's sitting in your throat so I got up and went to make some coffee when I felt it hit....I sprinted like a Kenyan to the bathroom. Pure ass soup....ok success....oh no....10 minutes later....then 10 mins after that....and 10 after that to the point where now not only did I need to call myself out of work but I'm skinny and dehydrated like a mutherfucker and I feel a lot less toxic and when people ask me how I stay so skinny now I'm going to just reply with Crystal. They can take that however they want.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Say I Love U With Facials

oops not that kind...

Don't Get Caught Being Skinny

Obviously it's opposite day. Unless you're a guy and then you know my policy, drop down below 185 and were through.

Inappropriate Test Answers

awww kids....