Saturday, February 12, 2011

Puddin's Naughty Sign Language Lesson

Back by popular demand my lessons in sign language. If you have any requests please let me know. Konichiwa Bitches!

Part 1

Part 2

Taking the Cinnamon Challenge

My child, taking the cinnamon challenge:

I guess I should just be glad they took this challenge and not Daniel Tosh’s Gay Porn Viagra Challenge.

If U Give a Stoner a Weed Cookie

If you have a child I’m sure you have read “If you give a mouse a cookie” this is my take on it….Here’s a little advice for my stoner friends. Don’t ever go to a pot cookie dealer’s house hungry. Hear me out. If you go hungry you’re going to have to eat the cookie as soon as you get there. Now you just can't eat and run so you’ll stay and chat for a little and pretty soon you will be hungry because your high so you will eat another cookie and the cycle goes into full effect. You keep eating cookies because you keep getting higher and hungrier. It’s a genius plot by said dealer. Shit if I was a dealer I’d keep samples on a platter to pass around and offer no other food. Eat cookie-get high-get hungry-buy more cookies. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I Call Bullshit on Crime Shows

What is the deal with all of these new crime shows popping up and they all have this token quirky girl who dresses like the freak show from high school with choppy bangs, glasses, crazy make up, piercings. I don’t buy it…yes I know its TV, it’s fake but I still like to pretend.

Olivia Benson as a cop? Absofuckinlutely.

This chick?

Or this one?

Nigga please.

Vagina Make Over

I have had the worst insomnia lately which usually means I have something going on in my life that needs to either be settled or sorted out. So the other night as I lie awake unable to sleep I decided to Google the shit out of insomnia. I read this thing that said you’re supposed to be awake for at least 16 hours a day so say you get up at 9am your not even suppose to try to go to sleep until 1am! So see maybe I don’t have insomnia maybe I’m just not being awake enough. I’d be so lost without Google.

Anyways, my girlfriend told me the best story I’ve ever heard the other day. You know how there are certain terms you never want to hear from your doctor? Well my girlfriend wins the award for this one. So after she gave birth to her child the doctor is down there for like 45 mins sewing her up when all of a sudden she hears…hmmm I’m going to start all over, it looks kind of haggard down here.

1. having a gaunt, wasted, or exhausted appearance, as from prolonged suffering, exertion, or anxiety; worn: the haggard faces of the tired troops.

Bahahhahaha no girl, nowhere, EVER wants someone to refer to her vagina as haggard….especially a doctor…one who just created that Mona Lisa!!! Aahahhaha…..the good news is, the doctors “Re-do” turned out nicely but still. I would have loved to have seen the look on my friends face when she heard that. Kinda makes you wanna double up on birth control right?