Friday, January 27, 2012

You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt.

oh how I love craigslist!!

You slept naked in my bed. Unfortunately, you were in the wrong apt. - m4w

Date: 2011-12-14, 11:07PM EST

Hey there, Emily?

We met last Friday morning. Well, maybe "met" isn't the right word. I believe the first thing you said to me was, "Who the FUCK are you?" That's a funny thing to say to a guy after wandering into his apartment, passing out in his bed, and accosting him wearing nothing but a bed sheet (your own, might I add) the next morning.

Before I get too far, know that I'm not mad. Actually, I think you were pretty funny. And apparently, cute. I was, however, hungover as all hell, lying horizontally on the living room couch.

Why on the couch? Well, that's where I chose to sleep (I know, weird concept) after crawling into what I mistakenly thought was my empty bed at 4am. Laying down in my bed meant risking waking you up. Which would have ended in one of two ways, 1) the worst horror movie ever or 2) possibly the greatest porno ever. I didn't like my odds. Couch it was.

Truth is, I already have a situation. A good situation, even though "my situation" lives in another state. It's so good, in fact, "my situation" laughed her ass off this morning when I told her that one story about a random naked girl waking up in my bed.

I believe you happened to mentioned your own situation, too. Only your situation, based solely on last night (and the tacky pattern on his [I assume] bed sheets)) doesn't sound like a great situation.

That said, it won't work with us. Sorry (it's not you, it's me and my over-use of parentheses). But I have a roommate, and I think he'd be a better "situation" for you. He has nice sheets and locks his door from the inside (looking out for your safety). He also had a better look at you this morning, and seemed to like what he saw despite you tip-toeing down the hall while simultaneously skyrocketing to the top of the walk of shame power rankings.

So, yeah. Let me know. I can arrange something, or you could just stop by.

I guess you already know where to find him.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

That's your girl?.... Wow.... Oh no, i didn't mean that in a good way.

ok since I'm an awesome blog sharer I had to bring this one to you...partly because it's funny and partly because its the truth! You probably want to check out more of her stuff:

ok, so i have this friend who's a little older and he's a fairly nice guy.... he's a fuckin perv, but he's not a bad guy at all. anyhoo, like any old single man with a little money in orange county, he likes to see how young of a woman he can get. (see? perv) and that's fine, like i said, he's single. well.... he usually has pretty good taste. he's been with some fairly beautiful women and so when he told me that he met this 25 year old who's "fuckin hot", i expected for her to be at the very least, pretty.... i've been hearing about this girl for a while now and he really likes chillin with her so i'm happy for him having a good ol' time, getting some young vagina.... then he introduces me to her....


so he walks in with this... girl? and wow!..... she looks like a joke. i was so disappointed. her body was... thin. nothing special about it, kind of lanky, but not bad at all. her face?....

no. like, capital N-O period. normally when i meet new girls that he's dating, i'm all kinds of nice and friendly. they never last too long, but so what? they're pretty. but this one... no. i can't spend time talking to and being nice to ppl who's faces look like bad cartoons. that's not ok. i will not fake approval of a friend's choice in fuck buddies. not gon' happen, neva (in my new new voice).... (damn, i miss that movie, i need to go home and watch that.)... anyway. this was going to become more awkward because i knew that at some point in time, he'd ask me what i thought and i'd be forced to... tell him the mutha fuckin truth!

so she goes to the car and wait for him cuz they're about to leave... it happens. he says "so what do you think? she's fuckin hot right?".... first came the "idk about that" eyebrow raise, immediately followed by "her face is fuckin whack." his response?.."yea, but her body's hot right? everything's real and where it's supposed to be." my response.... "yea, her body's coo'.... u like her right?" in the way to say that that's all that matters. there was a long pause and then he says "well, she walks around the house naked so that helps." and then changes the subject.....

i'm pretty sure i made him feel a little bad. but hey, what r friends for??? if i let him parade around life with clown-faced young ladies, he'd become a fuckin joke and then won't be able to feel good about the fact that he has a younger bitch on his arm.

anyway, i totally think i did the right thing and even though he still likes her, i don't want to be associated with the stank-ness that is her face. ilk.

PS, she seriously looked like the wicked witch of the west from the wizard of oz... but not green.... the skin color is seriously the only difference... all bad

PS (one more time), i kept looking for pics of things whose nose dominated their faces right? right. so i couldn't help but use this.

this, mixed with wicked witch of the west is the face that walked into my life and haunted me so bad that i had to blog about it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Forever Shitty Advice

#1 When did Forever 21 turn into Lane Bryant?
#2 When did it become acceptable to suggest horizontal stripes to a fat girl?

Monday, January 23, 2012

As Seen on TV

ok so Facebook is awesome for finding old friends you haven't seen since middle school. Its kind of fun to flip through their photo albums and see what they turned out like but nothing prepared me for this. I'm looking at these pictures for a good few minutes before I realize they are hanging their bodies from actual hooks. Its like a car accident I cannot look away!!! I had no clue a hook could support your whole body like this and not rip your skin. How freaking scary to be hanging that high up depending on that. Anyways I could not NOT share this with everyone. Love you April!!

Hips Don't Lie

I'm the kind of asshole random stuff just happens to. Last night I'm cooking us a classy late night meal of cheeseburger hamburger helper. Well I don't know if I was really hungry or just didn't realize how strong I am because I stirred with such zest that pasta flew out of the pan and landed right on my hip bone. It hurt so bad!!! Why the fuck was I sagging my pajamas??? So whatever I had this red mark cause it's was obviously hot but who cares get over it right?

So there I am fast asleep last night when I rolled over to my side and felt an intense pain in my hip and well as Shakira told us "Hips don't lie". So I finally had to get up and look. I literally managed to give myself a full on some kind of degree burn from aggressive stirring and pasta. Who the fuck does that?

Suicide Party Cake

So this weekend I’m out eating just minding my own business when some guy we’ll call Horse shoe due to his hairstyle comes over and says we have cake if you want some. Well as you can imagine before he finished saying the word cake I had already abandoned my purse at the table and was briskly walking towards said delicacy. So I get to the table of about 30 or so guys with one Asian lady. So I says to them…Your friend said to come get cake.

Well they get to cutting me a slice and one guy puts his hand on my shoulder and says can you believe Layla is here with us? Layla? Layla? Where have I heard this name recently?? My mind flashes back to 15 minutes earlier when all of the TV’s in the restaurant had a moment of silence and then this super sad picture montage (imagine a Sarah McLachlan dog commercial with no sound) with a story about a lady who was on life support for 10 days then legally died and they kept her on life support at Mission because she was donor so literally the helicopter landed to get her parts and she suddenly twitched. An hour later she moved an arm and then opened an eye and eventually she made a full recovery. Everyone in the place was sort of looking around in awkward silence like that’s cool and all but who the fuck is Layla and furthermore the fucking game is on. What is happening??

Anyways back to Layla, Wow! Amazing right? Guess I should become a donor after all because that’s the only reason they kept her on life support. So anyways they give me this amazing chocolate strawberry cake and I take a bite. Delicious!!! So good I forgot I even had a purse sitting alone somewhere in that restaurant. So I say she’s here? They say yeah right there and point to what appears to be a mail order bride that’s not allowed to talk. She’s literally staring into her lap surrounded by all of her husband’s friends. So I say that’s great. The guys like yea she killed herself. Like she actually was dead for 25 minutes. Dead. Clinically dead. She committed suicide. Then came back to life after doctors stopped working on her. Two bites into this amazing cake I realize I’m at a suicide party eating suicide cake. Who does that? You don’t get a party for trying to kill yourself. Even more so failing at it.

So I ask the guy how he is related to this situation and he says he was the husband’s roommate for 8 years. He said one day he came home with this girl and had all her stuff and said she was going to stay with them for a while. He had “found her in a suicide ward in Vegas”. The guy was all when you rescue a girl from a suicide ward you basically own her cause she’s never going to leave you. I wanted to correct him because clearly she did in fact try to leave him but it didn’t seem like the right time to point that out. I wanted to go find my purse and stop knowing more. This girl is a rescue? Like a rescue dog from the pound? Are you able to just show up at one of these places and pick a crazy girl out?? And this is the 2nd time she’s tried to kill herself? I can’t eat this fucking cake!!

So yeah that was the story of how I inadvertently showed up to a suicide party and had suicide cake. Basically what I want everyone to take away from this is #1 Become a donor right now and #2 Don’t accept cake from strangers.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pussy Cobwebs are Wrong

I'm obsessed with this blog. It makes me laugh so hard every single day. Kudos!!

Dear JW,

I’m gonna make this as short as possible for you and give you as much info as I can to avert you away from calling me a whore and slut or a cunt, which seems to be popular when your advice columns are written to females with any kind of sex drive.

I’m 32 years old, have a good career, my own house, a nice ride (did I just say that?) – I think my shit is together. I’ve been single almost 4 years with some pretty bad relationships/breakups/deaths under my belt of past “love” experiences (issues?). I’ve got a problem though. I like boys. I like boys a lot. That is, until they like me. I can like a boy for a day, a year or sometimes hold that crush in me from 20 years ago for someone. The problem is, the SECOND that guy likes me back – I don’t want him anymore. I’m not even talking about after I have sex with him (although sometimes they do actually get that far – and then it happens there too), I mean the second he starts putting smiley faces in his texts or texting me “have a good day” bullshit early as fuck in the morning, I’m over it.

Is this just all a game to me? Is this the old high school geek turned hottie that now has something to prove? Am I just damaged from previous relationships – looking for any way to not get involved? Is this me scared of being with someone when I really thought that’s what I’m wanted all along? In all honesty, I do want a relationship – but something isn’t right and I’m thinking maybe it’s me.

Thanks for keeping me smiling,
Comfortably fucked (up)

Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear Comfortably fucked (up),

Damn girl, you sound fucked up. I mean, shit...what the fuck is wrong with this picture? 4 years all by your lonesome? I bet you must masturbate all hours of the day while taking breaks eating Lucky Charms and shit, huh? Probably got more toys than a goddamn sex shop. AND the best hands a lesbian would die to have touch their vagina. Just sayin'.

Bottom line, relationships suck. Some people are good at it, while others, are just fucking awful. But you my are special. I don't think I've met one person in my whole goddamn life that has done what you've done. Talk about the biggest lead on by a woman...shit dude, you take the goddamn cake with the shit you've been pulling, for the past 4 years. But, being a man of all things great...I'm here to help you. Help you find out why you are, the way you fucking are. Is it you? Eh, not sure. Is it the guys you're dating? The jury's still out. In any event, listen to what I have to say and use it to the best of your ability. All I can do is guide you while you sit in the drivers seat and find a way back to the cock and come back for more. Shall we???

Bars are BAD: Do you drink? If so, you probably go to the bars. Do me a favor and remember, bars are to drink and get drunk, not meet guys. "Wait, what? How do you figure J-Wunder? That ain't right. I LOVE to meet guys when I'm out boozing!!!" I hate to say it but, it's true. Nothing's worse than meeting some fucking douche when you're wasted. Same goes for dudes meeting chicks. Beer goggles are meant for one night stands. True story. Is it possible to meet someone that has good potential? No. Why? Because you've been down that road...FOR 4 FUCKING YEARS. I'm not stupid...I bet 41% of the guys you dated you've met at a bar...wasted, with not one care in the world. Stop that shit, you silly twat. You want potential, go to the fucking library or church. Dudes at bars don't equal long term anything. Unless you want long term "friends with benefits"...and herpes.

Say "No thanks" to friends trying to set you up: Look, good friends will always have your back. They will look out for you, be there for you, all in all...take care of you as if you're their sibling. Leave that shit at that. Friends are bad at one thing...setting other friends up with someone they think is "a catch". FAIL. Do you know how many fucking times I have had friends set me up with some chick, to find out the bitch was either fucking crazy, half retarded, fucks like she's dead, and is dumber than a bag of fucking rocks? A LOT!!!! I don't care how long you've been friends with someone, the reality is, they are shitty fucking matchmakers. The only reason you'll date one of their friends is because you feel some sort of obligation. Guilt. Fuck all that. If you ever hear the words, "Hey, I have this friend..." tell them to go fuck themselves and you want no part of it. Shit just gets weird. Not only that, but if shit blows up (which in your case, it has a lot), friendships falter. Remember, bro's before hoes...or in your case, chicks before dicks. I can almost bet the last guy you thought you liked, was a friend trying to set you two up, huh? Whoever this friend was, chop them in the goddamn larynx, stand over them and take a shit on their chest. That ain't right and shame on them for introducing you to the guy that sends you smiley fucking faces the moment he wakes up.

When in doubt, experiment: Call me crazy but maybe dick ain't your thing anymore. 4 years on a dry spell is a long fucking time, woman. I mean, your car will be paid off before you find anything at this fucking point. Do you want that? Maybe it's time to seek an alternative solution. Maybe it's time to start eating some pussy. Hey, I won't judge. Matter of fact, I encourage it. Not because I want my readers to imagine some hot chick scissor locking some manly bitch while playing "just the tip" with each others nipples. Oh, no. But because this could help you get back on track. How so? I have no fucking clue...I'm just trying to find you some ass that you might like. 4 years without dick, somethings gotta give right? And I mean that in the most sincerest way possible. I know you said you like boys but at this point, your boy mojo is not working. What's the next best thing? Vagina. I bet you could fuck some clitoris up with your hand speed and finger flexibility. You have a gift...use it. Even if it's on some hot lesbian chicks for a while.

Be you and only you: The question remains..."Is it me?" You tell me, fucker? Are you so into yourself that all you care about is you? A lot of people reading your question probably think you're a bitch that is just picky and needs to get over herself. Fortunately for you, I don't see it that way. I think you just find the wrong fucking guys. At bars, through friends...and God knows where else (probably fucking funerals). What you have, a lot of single women don't (the house, car, job, etc.). That scares the shit out of dudes. Scares them so much that they try too hard...that in the end, makes you not interested. You, miss thang, are independent. And independent women are categorized two ways: 1) Fucking bitches or 2) Bitches I wanna fuck. You want to be #2. The issue is, you find guys that probably can't handle #2. Is there one out there? Yeah, but he ain't hanging out at Tequila fucking Willy's on Saturday afternoon. Keep being you, but in other places where mother fuckers aren't drunk or gay. Those are probably two places that I bet you hang out. Stop doing that shit.

Are you doomed? No. Could this go on for another 4 years? Keep doing what you're doing and you will have two cars paid off by the time you find a dude. Does that help? Mix shit up for once and tell dudes up front how you like things. Yeah, there are guys actually out there in this world that don't mind hearing that. Shocked? Surprised? Ready to go find Mr. Right? Do whatever it takes at all costs and you'll be alright. If you're still single come this time next year, call me. I know a few people that will have sex with you and do whatever you want them to do. They owe me money so I figure it's a cool trade off.

Pussy Cobwebs Are Wrong,