Monday, March 26, 2012

How To Save $275

Don't fucking shop at Nordstroms for new spring dresses. Seriously the jokes on you if you would consider buying any of this crap. Designers must laugh their asses off at the sheep who buy this shit.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Grow Me A Love Letter

This is bad ass. I want to try it out.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

How Not To Talk To A Girl

This is a message from a guy friend...just a friend but after reading it I still can't help but imagine this is how he would talk to any girl, particularly one he might wish to receive a text from. The only word I was able to get out of my mouth after reading this for several minutes was..."No."

*does the napolian dynomite* yesssssssssssssss
k im off here for now purdy biatch text my cell fukass lol"

I'm not even gonna get started on the "fuckass" part. 2 things come to mind when I read that word.

#1 No thank you, I would not like my ass fucked.

#2 The part in Mallrats where they are with the fortune teller...

All right, gentlemen. Free your mind.

I'd like to free something.


That's what I was thinking.

She said ''focus''.


Friday, March 2, 2012

The Fish Aren't Alright

This is totally normal right? Fish that just lie on their sides and in the rocks not moving. Our fish are exceptionally asshole-ish. They will stay like this regardless of outside movement or however many people stand around and stare and begin to mourn. The only time they actual snap back to life is when we go get the death scooper to remove them. This can't be normal.

I'd like to point out that though you can't see it, there's an eel living in these rocks and yet this fish constantly backs his ass right on into it.


I'm a grown ass adult and yet whenever I'm not driving I shout at the top of my lungs "Shotgun"!!! I don't care who I'm with, my dad, my boss, a cop lol. At least we know how this all originated now.

Application to Date My Daughter

Faux Loko Recipe

Recreating a Monster

In making a Four Loko analog, you need to look at what makes a Four Loko, and then find like pieces to the puzzle. Four Loko is a malt beverage. Okay, great, let's start with some malt liquor.

Four Loko was 12-percent alcohol by volume (ABV). It's very tough to find a malt liquor that comes close to that. That's as strong as some wines. St. Ides has 8.2-percent and Steel Reserve has 8.1-percent, but these aren't as easy to find as say, Olde English which has about 6-percent. But you know what? That's okay. We can take care of that in a minute; for now just use whichever malt liquor you prefer.

Buy yourself a 40oz, but DO NOT DRINK IT ALL YOURSELF. This is for you and at least one friend. Splitting it between four would be preferable. But right now we're trying to make an analog, and Four Loko came in 23.5-ounce cans. So that's the malt base.

Split your 40 into two large glasses or jars, so that you have 20 ounces of a solution that's 6 percent ABV. To that, add 4 ounces of the cheapest (you won't be tasting any of it anyway) 80-proof vodka you can find. That gives you 24 ounces of 11.6 percent ABV drank. Close enough to Four Loko's 23.5 ounce, 12-percent ABV badness.

For the caffeine and other uppers, one Berocca tablet per glass will more than suffice. Four Loko had an estimated 260 milligrams of caffeine per can (before it was pulled out). Berocca has a crazy 280 milligrams of caffeine per tablet. Sweet Jesus. It also has guarana, and while it lacks taurine, I think the phenylalanine will make up for it.

Now for the flavor. Four Loko had a (disgusting) fruity taste. So we're going to use Koolaid drink powder. Per Koolaid's instructions, add one rounded tablespoon per 8-ounces of water. Well, we have 24 ounces of fluid, so go ahead and add three rounded tablespoons to your jar. Each serving of Koolaid has 16 grams of sugar in it, which means our solution now has 48 grams of sugar. That's a lot, but Four Loko had 60 grams of sugar per can. No problem, just add 12 grams of granulated sugar, which is roughly 1 tablespoon. Done!

Recipe for Disaster

Here it is in recipe terms, all sophisticated-like.


20 ounces malt liquor (6-percent ABV)
4 ounces 80-proof vodka (40-percent ABV)
1 Berocca tablet
3 tablespoons Koolaid mix
1 tablespoon sugar

1. Put the Berocca tablet into a large jar (preferably 1 quart size).
2. Add 4 ounces (8 tablespoons) of 80-proof vodka, and allow tablet to dissolve most of the way.
3. Slowly add 20 ounces of 6-percent ABV malt liquor.
4. Add 3 tablespoons of Koolaide drink mix and 1 tablespoon of sugar.
5. Stir very gently with a long spoon until sugar is dissolved
In retrospect, it would be better to just pour in a small amount of malt liquor first, stir in the the Koolaid and sugar until it's totally dissolved, and then add the rest of the 40. Otherwise you'll be stirring out a lot of the bubbles like I accidentally did. Learn from my mistakes.

The result is a bright red punch that actually tastes quite a bit like the original, which is to say, "gross". Our own Sam Biddle (the walking, talking Wine Spectator of Four Loko) said it was "actually pretty good" and he would "totally drink it." So there you have it.

Or you could just buy a decaffinated Four Loko from your corner store and add a Berocca tablet to it, but what's the fun in that?


That is something that I cannot stress enough. I say that not as a challenge, but as a warning. The insane concentration of caffeine, sugar, and other uppers plus a lot of alcohol is what got so many people into so much trouble with Four Loko. You're so artificially amped that when you reach the point where you would normally pass out, you don't. You keep drinking more. This can easily lead to blackout situations and potentially to alcohol-poisoning and worse. So, yes, it's fun to push our limits, but be smart with this because while just the right amount could lead to a fun night of partying, too much could literally kill you. Got it? Good.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Advantages of Being Colorblind

12 Steps to a Perfect Bday Card. or Not

So I was out on my lunch the other day looking for a bday card for my son so I drive past this store and it says CARDS, GIFTS BALLOONS!!! and I says to myself "yatzee"! That's exactly the store I need so I go in. I walk in and BAM!! but whatever I embrace the vibe. So I start browsing the first card rack and they are all so darn motivational like every one is like take it day by day, you can do it, tomorrow will be awesome so whatthefuckever, then I spot the rack with cards with #'s on them and I think that's perfect. Now I see 1, I see 6 but no 16 so I think maybe get the 1 and write in the 6 so I open the card and it says happy one month and I laugh and think who the fuck would get a one month old a card? Rediculous right? so then I open the 6 one...same shit and it begins to dawn on me so I walk...backwards taking baby steps not unlike shuffling out the door as soon as I reach the exit I strain my neck back to re-read the store sign....still the same...only I now spot another sign which reads 12 step recovery store. Walked back in and asked if they had anything for to celebrate a half hour? hmm? no? mmm ok thanks, bye.