Tuesday, February 21, 2012

What the fuck were you thinking when you got dressed this morning

This had me rollin this morning...

I have a good job, making decentish money in a field in which I am mildly happy. Should there ever come a day when I am ready to drop my keys on the office manager's desk and quit this bitch I already have my next career picked out. I am going into the full length mirror business. Why the full length mirror business you ask? Because there is obviously a severe shortage in this country and I could make a minor Arabian Royal's fortune if I sold a few to those hot messes I see out and about.

First, let me drop some truth bombs and let it be known that I am not writing this from the position of some twiggy bitch who is just picking on the big girls to make myself feel better. I have always had what one would call a “badonk-a-donk” and I am in fact a size 12. But here is my biggest secret, I know that I am a size 12 and I actually buy size 12 clothes. I want to show of my ASSets in the best light,not looking like a hemorrhoid about to burst.

Every morning when I get ready to go to my 9-5er I have one goal when I get dressed. I look at myself in the mirror and I say to myself, "self, do I look like a condom filled with mayonnaise in this outfit?" If the answer is no, then I skip my happy ass out the door and go about my day. If the answer is yes, then I go back to my closet (oh, how I wish I had the closet from Clueless. Don't throw shade at me for saying that, because we all know we wanted that shit when we saw it) and find the outfit that does not make me look like a stuffed sausage. If everyone could take that same philosophy when they get dressed inthe morning then we could see some real positive fashion change and a few less moose knuckles.

Oh, the Moose Knuckle. Don’t get me started on Moose Knuckles or their evil younger sister, the Camel Toe. If you have a Hungry Hungry Hippo of a vagina then put some fucking undies on before you put your pants on, especially if they are made of some sort of stretchy material. It's real easy and then we don't have to see your Vag chewing up your pants like you haven't fed that little thing in a week. On the other hand, If you have a Moose Knuckle/Camel Toe because your pants are so tight they are cutting off your circulation, then you obviously did not follow my morning routine of asking yourself if you look like a condom filled with mayonnaise. Because you do. And now I have to look at that gnarly shit and am throwing up 2 dollars of perfectly good Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

I am just really sick of seeing girls try to Crisco their Mount Everass into something from the Body Shop's junior department. If you are a bigger girl then you know deep down in your heart of hearts if you have no business wearing skinny jeans, leggings, spandex, lycra or what ever other synthetic material that makes my lady parts pucker in horror just by the thought of it. You know the old adage that "spandex is a privilege, not a right." So then what's all the confusion about? Why do I still constantly see a 300 lb woman in a 100 lb woman’s outfit. I don’t know what friend you need to slap in their lying mouth for telling you that you look good, but that bitch obviously hates you for allowing you to dress like that and hates me for making me have to bare witness to that fashion fuckery.

Let me say for the record that I don't think that all fashion blunders are expressly the fault of the wearer. I will say it is not a woman's fault that some cock goblin in fashion decided one day that skinny jeans were going to be the next big fashion craze or that they were going to bring back leggings and options to wear instead of actual pants. No, the fault lies in the fact that these women want to go with the fashion trends and give into them, even though every part of their body is rejecting it by either eating it or flopping over the side in the most disastrous of muffin tops. Say it with me “not every fashion trend is for my body.” And then go buy a fucking mirror. Wal-Mart usually has them for less than $10. Or just check back with me a in a few weeks/months/years, I may be selling them on the side of the road!

1 comment:

  1. Ahhhh so grose!!! She is bigger then the copying machine.. :-/