Cheating at The Branch Office

Occasionally you find a gem in an otherwise boring magazine and lucky for you I have put in enough reading time to finally find it. Maxim had an article written by a girl tell guys how to cheat and get away with it. All were solid pieces of advice.

Make your girl a guy.....

Very basic info here people. Obviously we care way less about a midnight text from Rob then from Rachel. You can easily play it off. Oh man Rob must be out drinking again. I’ll just get back to him in the morning….this is an excellent time to quickly view the message or turn off your phone if you sense the texts/calls might continue.

Hackproof your life.....

Do not use the same passwords for all of your accounts. Do not log onto check anything other than movie times on her computer. We all have nerdy IT guy friends somewhere just dying to help us discover the truth about our lying boyfriends.

Always be reachable.....

It doesn’t matter if you’re midthrust, pick up your phone and text her and say it’s loud or I’m in a meeting, I’ll call you back in a few minutes when I find a quiet spot or when the meeting is over. If the girl your boning doesn’t know you have a GF, tell her it’s your boss and you have to respond because blah blah blah.

Take it to the grave.....

Here’s where guys usually mess up. They have to brag, they have to tell someone. The problem is the world is a lot smaller then you think and people remember stuff. (My fav part of Superbad is “Hey Greg, why don't you go piss your pants? That was like 8 years ago, asshole! People don't forget!) It’s true, people don’t forget. And guys have a tendency to tell on their friends to get the focus off them so your guy friend might tell his lady about what you did to make him look better but she now knows and girls can be chatty little fuckers.

Chose wisely.....

Chose someone who has as much to lose or more then you. Don’t pick some hooters waitress who’s looking for a baby daddy; pick the married girl who doesn’t want to lose her escalade and lavish lifestyle.

Don’t date your fling.....

Have sex, that’s it. No texting, emailing, movie and dinner dates. Don’t tell her about your feelings or the problems you’re having with your wife. The less she knows about you the better.

Don’t overcompensate.....

When people are guilty they act guilty. Keep the status quo. Don’t suddenly start bringing home flowers if you didn’t do it before. Do it once and we might not catch on but do it any more often and we will definitely wonder why you’re suddenly so sweet.

Now….onto my #1 favorite idea from this article……For those out of town booty calls you simply just need to……

Open a Branch Office Your chick will be so proud of your promotion and all the long hours and hard work your putting in. Throw in some complaining about how of all the places why did they have to pick San Antonio and how much you hate being away from her but you’re doing it for “us”. She’ll be busy flipping through magazines picking out furniture for the house your going to have when you become the big boss that she won’t even realize your just down in San Diego or in Tulsa banging some girl you met on MySpace. Brilliant!

Now, onto my fav craigslist of the week: I like this one a lot because I actually felt the need to contact my friend Kyle to make sure he didn’t in fact, actually write this.

· Dear stripper, - m4w....

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· Date: 2009-10-27, 6:24PM MST....

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· Dear stripper who was cleaning my apartment in my dream just now,

You were beautiful. 5’8 with perky breasts and an ass that I can only assume would have tasted like French Vanilla ice cream. You were cleaning and giggling and giving me the kind of looks that I only get from girls in…Well you know.

I’m sorry I left. I want you to know that it wasn’t my fault. In fact I would still be in your supple, slender arms if it weren’t for my bumbling roommate charging abruptly into my room and yelling something about boots.

I would try to go back to sleep but I know you are most likely gone forever, lost in the wrinkly gray of my subconscious, faded and faint. An attempt to reclaim you would probably just end in a dream that was totally similar but instead involved my grandfather’s new Thai wife and a vat of Karo. I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry I didn’t offer to help you clean. I’m sorry my roommate bought new boots. I’m sorry.

Kyle ....