Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Pussy Cobwebs are Wrong

I'm obsessed with this blog. It makes me laugh so hard every single day. Kudos!!

http://jwundersworld.blogspot.com/2011/05/advice-column-is-it-me.html?zx=7f9e852a49b2aca7

Dear JW,

I’m gonna make this as short as possible for you and give you as much info as I can to avert you away from calling me a whore and slut or a cunt, which seems to be popular when your advice columns are written to females with any kind of sex drive.

I’m 32 years old, have a good career, my own house, a nice ride (did I just say that?) – I think my shit is together. I’ve been single almost 4 years with some pretty bad relationships/breakups/deaths under my belt of past “love” experiences (issues?). I’ve got a problem though. I like boys. I like boys a lot. That is, until they like me. I can like a boy for a day, a year or sometimes hold that crush in me from 20 years ago for someone. The problem is, the SECOND that guy likes me back – I don’t want him anymore. I’m not even talking about after I have sex with him (although sometimes they do actually get that far – and then it happens there too), I mean the second he starts putting smiley faces in his texts or texting me “have a good day” bullshit early as fuck in the morning, I’m over it.

Is this just all a game to me? Is this the old high school geek turned hottie that now has something to prove? Am I just damaged from previous relationships – looking for any way to not get involved? Is this me scared of being with someone when I really thought that’s what I’m wanted all along? In all honesty, I do want a relationship – but something isn’t right and I’m thinking maybe it’s me.

Thanks for keeping me smiling,
Comfortably fucked (up)


Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear Comfortably fucked (up),

Damn girl, you sound fucked up. I mean, shit...what the fuck is wrong with this picture? 4 years all by your lonesome? I bet you must masturbate all hours of the day while taking breaks eating Lucky Charms and shit, huh? Probably got more toys than a goddamn sex shop. AND the best hands a lesbian would die to have touch their vagina. Just sayin'.

Bottom line, relationships suck. Some people are good at it, while others, are just fucking awful. But you my friend...you are special. I don't think I've met one person in my whole goddamn life that has done what you've done. Talk about the biggest lead on by a woman...shit dude, you take the goddamn cake with the shit you've been pulling, for the past 4 years. But, being a man of all things great...I'm here to help you. Help you find out why you are, the way you fucking are. Is it you? Eh, not sure. Is it the guys you're dating? The jury's still out. In any event, listen to what I have to say and use it to the best of your ability. All I can do is guide you while you sit in the drivers seat and find a way back to the cock and come back for more. Shall we???

Bars are BAD: Do you drink? If so, you probably go to the bars. Do me a favor and remember, bars are to drink and get drunk, not meet guys. "Wait, what? How do you figure J-Wunder? That ain't right. I LOVE to meet guys when I'm out boozing!!!" I hate to say it but, it's true. Nothing's worse than meeting some fucking douche when you're wasted. Same goes for dudes meeting chicks. Beer goggles are meant for one thing...one night stands. True story. Is it possible to meet someone that has good potential? No. Why? Because you've been down that road...FOR 4 FUCKING YEARS. I'm not stupid...I bet 41% of the guys you dated you've met at a bar...wasted, with not one care in the world. Stop that shit, you silly twat. You want potential, go to the fucking library or church. Dudes at bars don't equal long term anything. Unless you want long term "friends with benefits"...and herpes.

Say "No thanks" to friends trying to set you up: Look, good friends will always have your back. They will look out for you, be there for you, all in all...take care of you as if you're their sibling. Leave that shit at that. Friends are bad at one thing...setting other friends up with someone they think is "a catch". FAIL. Do you know how many fucking times I have had friends set me up with some chick, to find out the bitch was either fucking crazy, half retarded, fucks like she's dead, and is dumber than a bag of fucking rocks? A LOT!!!! I don't care how long you've been friends with someone, the reality is, they are shitty fucking matchmakers. The only reason you'll date one of their friends is because you feel some sort of obligation. Guilt. Fuck all that. If you ever hear the words, "Hey, I have this friend..." tell them to go fuck themselves and you want no part of it. Shit just gets weird. Not only that, but if shit blows up (which in your case, it has a lot), friendships falter. Remember, bro's before hoes...or in your case, chicks before dicks. I can almost bet the last guy you thought you liked, was a friend trying to set you two up, huh? Whoever this friend was, chop them in the goddamn larynx, stand over them and take a shit on their chest. That ain't right and shame on them for introducing you to the guy that sends you smiley fucking faces the moment he wakes up.

When in doubt, experiment: Call me crazy but maybe dick ain't your thing anymore. 4 years on a dry spell is a long fucking time, woman. I mean, your car will be paid off before you find anything at this fucking point. Do you want that? Maybe it's time to seek an alternative solution. Maybe it's time to start eating some pussy. Hey, I won't judge. Matter of fact, I encourage it. Not because I want my readers to imagine some hot chick scissor locking some manly bitch while playing "just the tip" with each others nipples. Oh, no. But because this could help you get back on track. How so? I have no fucking clue...I'm just trying to find you some ass that you might like. 4 years without dick, somethings gotta give right? And I mean that in the most sincerest way possible. I know you said you like boys but at this point, your boy mojo is not working. What's the next best thing? Vagina. I bet you could fuck some clitoris up with your hand speed and finger flexibility. You have a gift...use it. Even if it's on some hot lesbian chicks for a while.

Be you and only you: The question remains..."Is it me?" You tell me, fucker? Are you so into yourself that all you care about is you? A lot of people reading your question probably think you're a bitch that is just picky and needs to get over herself. Fortunately for you, I don't see it that way. I think you just find the wrong fucking guys. At bars, through friends...and God knows where else (probably fucking funerals). What you have, a lot of single women don't (the house, car, job, etc.). That scares the shit out of dudes. Scares them so much that they try too hard...that in the end, makes you not interested. You, miss thang, are independent. And independent women are categorized two ways: 1) Fucking bitches or 2) Bitches I wanna fuck. You want to be #2. The issue is, you find guys that probably can't handle #2. Is there one out there? Yeah, but he ain't hanging out at Tequila fucking Willy's on Saturday afternoon. Keep being you, but in other places where mother fuckers aren't drunk or gay. Those are probably two places that I bet you hang out. Stop doing that shit.

Are you doomed? No. Could this go on for another 4 years? Keep doing what you're doing and you will have two cars paid off by the time you find a dude. Does that help? Mix shit up for once and tell dudes up front how you like things. Yeah, there are guys actually out there in this world that don't mind hearing that. Shocked? Surprised? Ready to go find Mr. Right? Do whatever it takes at all costs and you'll be alright. If you're still single come this time next year, call me. I know a few people that will have sex with you and do whatever you want them to do. They owe me money so I figure it's a cool trade off.

Pussy Cobwebs Are Wrong,

J-Wunder

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