Suicide Party Cake

So this weekend I’m out eating just minding my own business when some guy we’ll call Horse shoe due to his hairstyle comes over and says we have cake if you want some. Well as you can imagine before he finished saying the word cake I had already abandoned my purse at the table and was briskly walking towards said delicacy. So I get to the table of about 30 or so guys with one Asian lady. So I says to them…Your friend said to come get cake.

Well they get to cutting me a slice and one guy puts his hand on my shoulder and says can you believe Layla is here with us? Layla? Layla? Where have I heard this name recently?? My mind flashes back to 15 minutes earlier when all of the TV’s in the restaurant had a moment of silence and then this super sad picture montage (imagine a Sarah McLachlan dog commercial with no sound) with a story about a lady who was on life support for 10 days then legally died and they kept her on life support at Mission because she was donor so literally the helicopter landed to get her parts and she suddenly twitched. An hour later she moved an arm and then opened an eye and eventually she made a full recovery. Everyone in the place was sort of looking around in awkward silence like that’s cool and all but who the fuck is Layla and furthermore the fucking game is on. What is happening??

Anyways back to Layla, Wow! Amazing right? Guess I should become a donor after all because that’s the only reason they kept her on life support. So anyways they give me this amazing chocolate strawberry cake and I take a bite. Delicious!!! So good I forgot I even had a purse sitting alone somewhere in that restaurant. So I say she’s here? They say yeah right there and point to what appears to be a mail order bride that’s not allowed to talk. She’s literally staring into her lap surrounded by all of her husband’s friends. So I say that’s great. The guys like yea she killed herself. Like she actually was dead for 25 minutes. Dead. Clinically dead. She committed suicide. Then came back to life after doctors stopped working on her. Two bites into this amazing cake I realize I’m at a suicide party eating suicide cake. Who does that? You don’t get a party for trying to kill yourself. Even more so failing at it.

So I ask the guy how he is related to this situation and he says he was the husband’s roommate for 8 years. He said one day he came home with this girl and had all her stuff and said she was going to stay with them for a while. He had “found her in a suicide ward in Vegas”. The guy was all when you rescue a girl from a suicide ward you basically own her cause she’s never going to leave you. I wanted to correct him because clearly she did in fact try to leave him but it didn’t seem like the right time to point that out. I wanted to go find my purse and stop knowing more. This girl is a rescue? Like a rescue dog from the pound? Are you able to just show up at one of these places and pick a crazy girl out?? And this is the 2nd time she’s tried to kill herself? I can’t eat this fucking cake!!

So yeah that was the story of how I inadvertently showed up to a suicide party and had suicide cake. Basically what I want everyone to take away from this is #1 Become a donor right now and #2 Don’t accept cake from strangers.