Monday, December 12, 2011

3 Types of Crazy


She's sad that your ass is about to be sliced and diced

You know what? Bitches are fucking crazy. Not all bitches though. Just some. Like 65% of females. Big fucking number right? Damn straight. Before I start my sermon, I want you to realize, that not only are women fucking crazy, but dudes are too. The difference? Bitches do things that are a bit fucking extreme. For example, kill a mother fucker in their sleep with an ice pick.

Now, now...some of you are ready to grab a knife or a bat and hunt me before some of you cunts do that, calm the fuck down, grab some goddamn wine and chill the fuck out.

Mr. Wunder's here to let everyone know which types of females can get a little insane from time to time. Wait, which types? There are types, J? Fuck yeah there are. So sit back, relax and get ready for: J-WUNDER'S CRAZY BITCH BREAKDOWN, BREAKDOWN, BREAKDOWN...

I Want Your Money Crazy: You ever watch Dateline on a Friday night around 9pm? You know...where there's always a murder mystery about how some dude "mysteriously" fucking died and they can't find his fucking body...anywhere? Oh, and no one knows where their goddamn killer is either? Meanwhile, back at the fucking ranch...the newly widowed wife is rolling around butt ass naked in a life insurance policy worth millions...sucking the neighbors cock for diamond necklaces and sipping on Mint Julips. Leave it to a crazy bitch, more than likely a honky, to do some shit like that and get away with it. You're probably asking, well why couldn't a female that was Hispanic or African American get away with it? You wanna know why?

They ain't white and Johnny fucking Cochran is dead.

You connect "murder accusation" with a Mexican or African word: GUILTY. With no need of evidence because they know your ass is broke...and unless your name is Jennifer Lopez or goddamn Tootie from Facts of Life, you don't even know what $1,000's looks like. Fucking white people. Ya'll got a good fucking life.

I Love You Crazy: Ever watch Fatal Attraction? Glenn Close was a crazy cunt, right? You have yourselves a chick that you could shoot 50 times in the body and face and will not...I repeat, will not fucking die til you know, she's yours...FOREVER.

Look, I've dated a lot of fucking broads, but none stood out like some of these crazy twats. You could be 2 weeks into a relationship and guess what? This bitch will LOVE YOUR ASS...two fucking weeks. Don't be surprised if you start receiving Bridal Magazine and Kids 'R Us Catalogs once a month. Once you stick your dick inside that slippery vagina, you're royally fucked my friend. Wanna avoid meeting some gals folks too soon? Don't date those crazy "I love you two weeks in" bitches. If you do, just know that whatever you believed in, doesn't fucking exist anymore. If you don't put on the afterburners after a 1/4 mile head start, you will be with this crazy bitch forever.

Oh, you're Jewish? Not anymore mother fucker...welcome to Christianity. You don't eat meat? Fuck that shit, you eat bacon and her pussy 4 days a week, hell, you eat bacon out of her pussy. You're a jeans and t-shirt guy? No you're not...from now on, Dockers and Ralph Lauren button-ups. You don't drink beer, you drink Apple Martini's. You don't spread eagle, you cross your legs like a goddamn fag. Hey I get it, these bitches are crazy. So run mother fucker. Run.

One Night Stand Crazy: This has to be one of the most dangerous bitches you will ever encounter. Hey, we all love to fuck. Some more than others. But when you run into a girl that doesn't do "one night stands" and the only time you fucked her was a "one night stand"...head for the border asshole because you will not be able to escape. Real talk.

I don't know what it is with these chicks but they are by far the craziest bitches in the world. Why you ask? I have a few reasons:

1) Your dick must have been fucking SU-PERB and you made her cum for the first time...EVER. You broke the my friend, hold the key to what she wants. FOREVER. Congrats on having an amazing cock, because you're more than likely never going to fuck anyone else again.

2) She was a virgin and one random Saturday night she said, "Fuck it. I'm down to bone tonight." And just your luck, you were able to show her that she could fit 8 inches of man meat all the way down to her sternum like a goddamn circus freak and fuck like she's been working in an Asian Massage Parlor since she was 15. Word of advice: becoming a virgin surgeon backfires 81% of the time.

3) She believed every bit of bullshit you were saying just to get in her pants. Hope it was worth it buddy because she's introducing you to her family next weekend. Across country.

A majority of women just don't throw their pussy out there like it's a goddamn 4 'o clock snack. Ok, yes they do, but they don't expect themselves to be spreading eagle three hours later saying, "Fuck me harder...finger my ass. Punch me, then choke my tits." Ooops...that's for another entry.

Like I was saying, they test the waters but find themselves in the situation where you're basically to blame if you end up fucking them. How does that work? I don't fucking know. I just run and give them the wrong number to call when I find myself in that dilemma.

I learned that technique after one bitch tried to run me over with her car. Apparently, she says I took her virginity. I say she was on her period. But hey, poppin' cherries, breaking hymens, same diff, right?. Regardless, the bitch was fucking crazy. But I digress...

These bitches are head cases and will find you if you try to hide. What's that? On Facebook? You're fucked. Got a cell? You're fucked. Live anywhere in the U.S.? You're fucked. Didn't use a condom when you banged her? You're super-duper fucked. Always remember, if a woman lays her force field on you and you break those boundaries as well as her vagina, you better fucking go kill yourself before this bitch finds you and does shit to you that they do to prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

So there's a little appetizer into the world of the first 3 types of crazy bitches that can be identified. Are there more? Of course asshole, that's why I said, appetizer. Now how soon you get to hear about the others, is up to me I guess. So be patience and good things will come. I hope you took lots of notes and made sure that if you run into any of these types of crazy bitches, just remember: I fucking told you so. (and don't give them my number)

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