ok so I was sent two amazing Craigslist posts this weekend which had my lying on the floor crying and laughing at the same time so J-Wunders blog completely hit home.
Advice Column: Desperate Measures
I'm a young, attractive girl in my late 20's but lately I've struck out in the dating scene. I've resorted to online dating, but the problem is that the way the process is set up, it takes soooo long to meet someone. I guess what it comes down to is that I really need to get laid. I've become so desperate for sex that I've resorted looking for dates on CraigsList's personal ads.
What do you think? Is this a good idea for a young, respectable girl like myself??
Just Need Some Lovin'
Dear Just Need Some Lovin',
Are you fucking kidding me woman? You ever hear of the fucking Craigslist Killer? He was a dorky ass white dude with a big dong that killed bitches? Ring a bell? They just premiered that shit on the Lifetime channel last night too.
If you don't know this story, let me give you the Cliff Notes version:
Dorky ass white dude who was a smart mother fucker. Went to school to become a doctor or some shit. Went to Yale or some yuppy ass school like that. Loves him some bitches. Boning was his hobby. So was killing a fucking chick. He found ads on Craigslist for chicks like yourself, who were looking for a pogo stick to jump on. He met these ladies in a hotel, fucked them til they're almost paralyzed, blew his load on their back then killed them.
Question: Do you want sex so bad that you wind up fucking dead in a goddamn Motel 6 with crime scene pictures of you face planted, butt ass naked with trails of cum left on your back and long blond hair? Seriously. Are you itching for cock that bad miss?
Any young attractive woman in their 20's should never, ever, EVER have a hard time finding a man. I don't give a fuck if you live in Amish country. You'll find a dude that wants to bone you, even if that dude is your fucking brother.
You wanna know why those dating sites take so fucking long in their matching process? It's because of mother fuckers like the Craigslist killer, that's why! If dating sites were like Craigslist, thousands of bitches would be found dead in cheap ass motels covered in semen. No parent wants that to be the last vision they see of their child. Hell no. Dead. With cum splattered all over their face and body. That shit ain't right.
Here's what I do know IS right...you stopping that internet/Craiglist "my pussy is available" bullshit. I may not know you, but I bet you are probably a hot piece of ass that no man would want to see dead floating in the goddamn river at 3am. Stop killing yourself with trying to find some internet fucking love connection and go to a bar with some friends. Trust me. If you want some cock, you'll find tons of sausage there. At a bar, you'll find a sea of big dicks, little dicks, thick dicks, pencil dicks, black dicks, brown dicks, yellow dicks, white dicks, bent dicks, STD dicks, dry skin dicks...you name it, your choice of dick will be there.
Meeting dudes in public places is the best method to get your panties wet. Why bother writing some paragraph on your fucking false hopes and dreams so some fucking stalker can read it on match.com, meet you at the Olive Garden, fuck your brains out at a Sunset Inn, then slice your fucking throat before you even have an orgasm? In a public place, you're surrounded by people. By your friends. By the things that you're familiar with. Nothing says, "I want to fuck you right now," then finding a drunk dude at a bar, grabbing his cock and whispering those 3 little words - "I love cock."
If you're willing to advertise that "your pussy is open for auction" on Craigslist, then what you're saying is that you're willing to go the extra mile to get some cock. That's why if you do it, do it the right way. At a bar, getting drunk and taking home the first guy you think will bang you the way you want, you dirty little slut you. The internet is cool for shit like watching free porn fetishes, not letting dudes know you need a 7 inch dick that can fill your large intestine up with his load. Don't do that. If you do, your ass will be dead and that would mean that's one less piece of desperate ass, men lose out on.
I know you want to get laid. So what do ya say? Let go grab a fucking drink so we can find Mr. Man-dingo to bang you so hard, that it really does sound like the Craigslist killer is on a mission to kill your ass.