Monday, July 26, 2010

I Love Big Fat Sausages

UUh…late night TV provides me with more questions than answers. First up those ads that encourage you to pick up the phone and talk to other singles in your area…what is that? Am I dumb and not getting that that some sort of escort type thing or are there really people sitting at home (guys & girls) who just want to talk to other people on the phone? I seriously can’t imagine that is the case so if someone can fill me in that would be super.

The next one is the vaginal odor commercials. Ladies I’m not a doctor but I do own a nurse costume which makes me qualified enough to say this: If you smell like fish pie something is wrong. You have some sort of infection or disease. Normal vag does not smell to the point of needing a special cleanser. Seriously if it’s that potent you need to go to a doctor not to Wal-Mart for scented wash.

Speaking of gross vaginas doesn’t this turkey’s face remind you of when Britney Spears got caught wearing no panties? Just sayin….

Oh and I know this isn’t the right time but I heard my most favorite line ever last week. “Eat it up n’ beat it up” I know that’s not what you want to think about after that last paragraph but I just thought it summed up my preferences nicely and wanted to share.

And finally…the booty shape ups. The next time I’m going out I’m going to march on down to Bed, Bath & Beyond first and buy a pair of these to see if it makes me look bootylicious. I wonder what it feels like if someone were to grab your ass? What if it’s like memory foam and leaves a hand indention? Maybe it makes it feel all tight and firm and then when the guys gets you home he can be doubly disappointed when he takes off your fake booty and your padded bra. Uhhh…this is so not what I order??

I went roller skating with my son this weekend and I got hit on by an old ass man. I get it though because everyone else there was a preteen so I probably was actually the next closest to his age. Anyways he tried this move which seems to be increasing in popularity. Instead of acting like they want your number for a date or whatever they try to act like somehow you could have a business relationship. Can I get your card? I’m not hitting on you or trying to get your number I just think we could probably do business together? Mmmm really??? Cause I work with banks and you work with cars and you just got through telling me how your ex wife took all your money and your business went to shit after that and the economy and blah blah blah and now 20 mins later you think we can do business together? Ya ok…call me.

While I was writing this a little kid came into the office selling candy. He is 12 yrs old! And from Compton! WTF? 12 yr olds should have chores, yes, jobs? No. This is seriously how this kid is spending his summer so if any of your kids are whining about how boring their summers are remind them that they could be commuting from Compton to Irvine to sell overpriced Reese’s.

Lastly, we went to the fair this weekend. If I worked for Jenny Craig AND I worked on a commission based salary I think I could have retired because never in my life have I seen so many obese people. And it’s not just fat fuckers walking around that bother me, the ones that really kill me are the fatties on the scooters or the ones smoking too….you’re so fucking gross!!!! Someone needs to tell you because you obviously don’t listen to your mirror you fat fuck! That shit did not happen overnight and eating deep fried butter or chocolate covered bacon wrapped Oreos or krispy kreme chicken sandwiches is not going to help. I saw one lady literally dropping all the merchandise she had bought because she was so wrapped up in her food. You can say I’m mean or whatever but it’s not ok to be that way. I’m not even speaking from a vain I have to look at you type way either. If are bigger than the vending machine or if you get winded walking up to the food counter you are too fucking fat. You need to stop. The fair is not the place for you. If you decide to go anyways, leave your car at home and walk your chunky self to the fair. Maybe my approach isn’t the kindest but I’m ok with shaming people into being a reasonable weight. And on a lighter note here was my favorite sign from the fair.



  1. That turkey joke had me LMAO! Just tellin it like it is eh! Luckily, I've lost 20lbs and I'm not in that category anymore. Haven't had a Reeses in over a year! Ha! :*)

  2. not gonna touch the late night singles chat line thing. last i saw on a special they were fat girl making extra money my using sexy voices on men more desperate and disgusting than the super old regulars at a strip club. (hehe) but if the ass pads work, let me know so i can spread the word to bitches who think it's ok to get warped looking ass implants that they never let anyone see nude anyway.... u think they have crotchless ass pad panties?....
    i too hate to see retarded fat ppl. i can deal with some chunkiness (u've seen my big teddy bear of a hubby) but that's the line. i mean really ppl! and holy shit, y do they even give ppl those scooters? ur not handicapped! ur fuckin lazy! maybe it sux to have to watch ur diet and have to exercise, but it has to suck way less that not being able to do the simple things like walk, make it around a store without a sit down break, find someone to fuck u for free.... things like that.