Saturday, April 24, 2010

How Not to Get Laid 101

I once thought someone was trying to break into my house. I came home several times to find everything on my deck moved around. Things were tossed outside, missing, destroyed. I tried and tried every night to catch the intruder. Finally after many failed attempts I set up a sting. I put some of my son’s toys that make noise all around the deck. So sure enough, in the wee morning hours I hear one of his toys going off so I spring out of bed and race to the backdoor to bust the guy. My dogs right on my heels barking and growling so I pull open the door and find the culprits….

Ha my dog jumped straight into the couch and put her face into the pillows! A lot of help she was but at least I finally solved the mystery.

I think it's safe to say my phone has officially died. No word on when the services will be held.

I found this handy guide to the worst drunk text messages to send. My personal fav’s were the Last Chance Saloon and Early Bookings lol…..
By fonefun
The 10 Types Of Drunken Text Messages
Let's face it. A lot of people are guilty of this. We've been out having a good night out on the beer only to find ourselves sending highly embarrassing and completely unnecessary text messages to people unfortunately to be in our phone's address book. But did you know that they are actually 10 different types of drunken text messages flying through the airwaves each and ever weekend sent by people who really ought to know better.

#1 - The Friend Finder
The Friend Text text message is sent when you and your friends have become separated, usually in a busy nightclub. You may first try ringing them but as you're in a busy nightclub the chances of them hearing the phone ringing let alone hearing you speaking to them even if they do notice it ringing and answering it are slim to none. Instead you decide to send them a text message along the lines of "Where u? Am near bar u still in club?".
The problem is usually made worse by having a terrible signal in the nightclub so your message just sits there in your outbox. Not only that but you end up spending more than you intended to because you haven't got anybody to share your taxi fare with any more.

#2 - T9 Terrorism
These days most mobile phones have T9 predictive text which while a great idea during the day can give even the most innocent texts disastrous meanings when under the influence of alcohol at night.
For example, if you'd like to let your friend know that you're in the queue outside a club you might intend to send the following message:
"Still in queue outside club"
Instead you end up sending the following:
"Still in steve outside club"
Who's Steve? It doesn't matter but a simple T9 slip up has completely changed the meaning of your message.
Another example. You might have a nice bottle of wine in and decide to invite somebody over to share it with you. You intend to say:
"U fancy coming round? I have wine"
Instead you send:
"U fancy coming round? I have wind"
#3 - The "Declaration of Undying Love" Text
This text message is perhaps the most embarrassing and also most common type of drunken text message. It will typically involve sending a message along the lines of:
"I love u"
"I missed u so much tonight"
In severe cases these texts even get sent to ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends where you end up telling them how much you are missing being with them and want to get back together. In the morning you are then very surprised to receive a phone call off said ex until you look in your send messages folder and find out why.

#4 - The Wrong Recipient
One very common mistake when attempting to send a text message while under the influence of alcohol is that you might end up sending it to the wrong person. This type of text can take many different forms such as:
"Been out with Dave tonight. He's so dull!"
Now this is a perfectly honest text but in your drunken state the name Dave sticks in your head and you end up sending it to Dave instead of the friend that you actually intended to inform of Dave's dullness.
This type of text can wreck havoc when it meets the previously mentioned "Declaration of Undying Love" text. You intended to tell a hot chick or guy how much you like them but instead you end up sending your text to completely the wrong person.
After sending a Wrong Recipient the sender is likely to be heard swearing as they immediately realise their mistake. In a desperate attempt to fix the situation a follow up "Sorry I sent that to the wrong person" message may be sent soon after. This usually makes the situation even worse.
#5 - Family Embarrassment
A variation of the Wrong Recipient text is the Family Embarrassment text. This occurs when you accidentally send a highly personal text to a close family member. The family members most likely to receive these are those that are located near to members of the opposite sex in your phone book. For example, "Dad" is likely to be near to "Davina" or "Dave" in your address book.

#6 - Last Chance Saloon Texts
A Last Chance Saloon text is sent to an attractive member of the opposite sex, usually between the hours of 2am and 4am. It will usually take the form of "U still awake?" or "Fancy coming round to mine later?"
Despite appearances this type of text is far from innocent. A more honest text would be:
"I lucked out tonight while I was out so I was wondering if you'd be willing to be my backup tonight?"
#7 - The Out of Focus Text
Out of Focus texts are usually sent after drinking vast quantities of alcohol. Your eyes can hardly make out the blurred letters on your phone's screen but you are determined to squint and perhaps even close one eye in your desperation to send your message.
After what seems like an age you finally finish composing your text. Unfortunately you have just sent a sequence of completely random and incomprehensible nonsense that won't even make sense to you when you discover it in your sent messages folder in the morning.

#8 - The Reminder Text
A reminder text is one that you send to yourself so you won't forget something important that your drunken brain would otherwise forget when you wake up in the morning. For example:
"Go round to Katie's Thursday night"
"Lent money to Dave"
#9 - Early Bookings
An Early Booking text is a sister to the Last Chance Saloon text but is usually sent earlier in the night as a form of preparation. It will usually take the form of "U out tonight?" but actually means "Just checking that you're out so that if I luck out I know where to find you".
#10 - Inappropriately Timed Text
The Inappropriately Timed text is usually sent around 3am to somebody that won't really appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night by a beeping phone. You, however, in your drunken wisdom decide that 3am is actually the best time to confront them about an issue or send them some random gibberish that will mean nothing at all to them.

So I think I may have found out why so many of my friends were rejected from eharmony….

No comments:

Post a Comment