Either way, what the fuck is up with the Japanese? How can a culture that seems so not sexual come up with so much weird ass shit and in cartoon form no less?
P.S. Someone plz teach me how to embed videos in my blogs.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Your Ball Sack is a Weapon
Seeing as it's that time of year to watch super scary movies we decided to indulge in a Halloween marathon last night which lead to a disussion on "Movies you watched as a child that scarred you". So my son decides to google that and up pops this movie call Pom Poko which is THE most fantastic thing you will ever come across in your lifetime. It's a Japanese cartoon in which Raccoon Ball sacks are used as Rugs, parachutes and weapons....Now I'm not a guy but I've met some ball sacks in my life and I gotta say if I had one and could turn it into a parachute or beat people up with it that would be considered cool, not traumatizing am I right??
Either way, what the fuck is up with the Japanese? How can a culture that seems so not sexual come up with so much weird ass shit and in cartoon form no less?
P.S. Someone plz teach me how to embed videos in my blogs.
Either way, what the fuck is up with the Japanese? How can a culture that seems so not sexual come up with so much weird ass shit and in cartoon form no less?
P.S. Someone plz teach me how to embed videos in my blogs.
Is Darth Vader Wearing a Fanny Pack?
Apparently there was a major a police crackdown on unlicensed costumed characters who pose for photos with tourists near Grauman's Chinese Theatre and Superman, Bumblebee, Elmo, Donlad Duck, Darth Vader, etc... were all handcuffed and arrested!!! I wish you could have heard my commentary while watching these videos. I was on the ground laughing my ass off. I think my favorite quote is "Hey now, hey now, talking about a poonanny!!" Ha!!! I love drunk superman.
Go watch...
Part 1
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/craigslist#p/c/8E2995C58EE2A569/2/MuYIMIB1scI
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Desperate Housewife
I just picked up my deposit check for the entire amount from my old apartment and would like to thank this bottle of nail polish for helping me "spackle" the holes in my walls.
Hey, don't judge. This is the same girl who flat ironed her clothes. Someday I'm going to make a very creative wife.
Hey, don't judge. This is the same girl who flat ironed her clothes. Someday I'm going to make a very creative wife.
Last Resort Booty Calls For Guys....
Every NFL quarterback has a progression of check down options when his primary receiver isn’t available. He looks for his first option, second, and so on. Just like a quarterback, guys have a progression list for their late night booty call. When a guy strikes out at the bar, and doesn’t want to wake up alone, he turns to his options. The average guy has about 10. Text with caution.
Option 1. The Current Booty Call
This woman is always your first option and knows the routine. Hopefully she’s awake, available, and in the mood.
Option 2. The New Girl
Send a quick text to see if she’s still awake and possibly drunk enough to make a bad decision. If you really like this girl, and want the relationship to be more than a booty call, don’t text her when you’re hammered.
Option 3. The Old Booty Call
She hasn’t been around much, but there’s be no harm in sending a text and seeing if she would still be game.
Option 4. The Ex
Always a dangerous but quick “what are you up to” text. You’ll end up at her house with a nice wrestle session under the sheets. Unfortunately, you’ll have to pay for in the morning with pointless relationship talk.
Option 5. The Attractive Neighbor
This girls in in walking distance, but you haven’t hooked up with her, yet. If you think she’s around, send a flirty text asking if she wants to “watch a movie,” we all know what this is code for.
Option 6. The Recently Single Old Ex
This ex has been out of the text rotation for quite some time, but sending a quick “how you been” could never hurt. She’s recently single, extremely vulnerable, and easily to take advantage of since you already have the established rapport. Be her shoulder to cry on for an hour, and reap the benefits.
Option 7. The Out of Town Girl
You only see this girl when she’s in town to see friends, family, or business. Send a quick text to see when she’ll be in town next, and setup a friendly booty call.
Option 8. The Freak
She’s not the most attractive girl, but definitely makes up for it in the bedroom. With enough cocktails and no response from your other options, she’ll do for the night. We refer to this girl to as the 2-6er, you only see her between 2am and 6am.
Option 9. The Friend
You always have that attractive friend, who never has a boyfriend, but you have never hooked up with. If you’re desperate, why not send a text and see what happens. If she’s a real friend, she’ll forgive you the next day.
Option 10. The Mass Text
You send the general “Hey what are you up?” mass text to a dozen or so girls in your phone hoping to get a response and go from there.
If the progression list runs its course with no response, then it looks like you are waking up alone.
Option 1. The Current Booty Call
This woman is always your first option and knows the routine. Hopefully she’s awake, available, and in the mood.
Option 2. The New Girl
Send a quick text to see if she’s still awake and possibly drunk enough to make a bad decision. If you really like this girl, and want the relationship to be more than a booty call, don’t text her when you’re hammered.
Option 3. The Old Booty Call
She hasn’t been around much, but there’s be no harm in sending a text and seeing if she would still be game.
Option 4. The Ex
Always a dangerous but quick “what are you up to” text. You’ll end up at her house with a nice wrestle session under the sheets. Unfortunately, you’ll have to pay for in the morning with pointless relationship talk.
Option 5. The Attractive Neighbor
This girls in in walking distance, but you haven’t hooked up with her, yet. If you think she’s around, send a flirty text asking if she wants to “watch a movie,” we all know what this is code for.
Option 6. The Recently Single Old Ex
This ex has been out of the text rotation for quite some time, but sending a quick “how you been” could never hurt. She’s recently single, extremely vulnerable, and easily to take advantage of since you already have the established rapport. Be her shoulder to cry on for an hour, and reap the benefits.
Option 7. The Out of Town Girl
You only see this girl when she’s in town to see friends, family, or business. Send a quick text to see when she’ll be in town next, and setup a friendly booty call.
Option 8. The Freak
She’s not the most attractive girl, but definitely makes up for it in the bedroom. With enough cocktails and no response from your other options, she’ll do for the night. We refer to this girl to as the 2-6er, you only see her between 2am and 6am.
Option 9. The Friend
You always have that attractive friend, who never has a boyfriend, but you have never hooked up with. If you’re desperate, why not send a text and see what happens. If she’s a real friend, she’ll forgive you the next day.
Option 10. The Mass Text
You send the general “Hey what are you up?” mass text to a dozen or so girls in your phone hoping to get a response and go from there.
If the progression list runs its course with no response, then it looks like you are waking up alone.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
A Break-Up Letter to Starbuck’s Pumpkin Spice Latte
Dear Pumpkin Spice Latte:
We need to talk. I feel that it’s time for you and I to discuss our relationship. Today, while trying to suppress my overwhelming desire to see you again, it dawned on me that our relationship may be bordering on unhealthy, and I think it’s time we take a break, if not part ways forever.
Every fall, you show up, out of the blue, just when I’ve finally gotten over you leaving me last winter. I tell myself each year that I’m not going to go back to you. After all, what have you ever done for me?
Sure, you’re delicious. When we first met, I didn’t plan on liking you at all. In fact, I only considered trying you because my friends said you were great. I don’t even LIKE pumpkin pie. However, like the cute but annoying hipster guy who ends up being surprisingly fabulous in bed, you surprised me and left me wanting more. After my first taste, every fall, I greedily gulp you all the way down before you’ve even had a chance to cool. Before I know it, I’m seeing you every day.
For the three or four months you’re around, it’s bliss. However, at the same time, I feel guilty after our time together. After all, you don’t benefit my life in any way. You have no nutritional value, your caffeine level is weak, at best, and you’re 470 calories. After a few weeks together, I notice myself getting fatter, refusing to admit it’s your fault. I can’t say no to you, so I punish myself just so I can see you.
Before I know it, without warning, you just disappear…again. There’s no explanation, other than the lame excuse that fall is over. You don’t even give me the courtesy of saying goodbye. I only find out you’ve left when I come to see you, and your friend, my barista says you’re “unavailable” ( like I haven’t heard THAT one before).
So, I sulk. I try to hang out your friends, but they’re not you. Your buddies, dark cherry mocha and salted caramel hot chocolate, while a good distraction, often disappear too, and I’m left with the has-beens, caramel macchiato and caffe mocha. Let’s get serious; been there, done that, like, 10 years ago. Once I’ve finally moved on, you reappear, and the vicious circle starts again.
So, Pumpkin Spice Latte, we have to call it quits. You’re great, but I just can’t do it anymore. I need someone more stable who cares about my health and my well-being. Sure, venti no-classic iced coffee is kind of boring. I get that, but at least he’s always there for me. He doesn’t flake out after Christmas. He doesn’t make me sacrifice others to see him, and he cares about my health and happiness. Ultimately, I just need something more stable.
Best of luck, PSL. I’ll miss you, and you’ll always have a place in my heart. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll find someone else very soon. After all, kind of a lot of people have already heard about you. Best of luck.
Your friend,
PPS
PS. Okay, so maybe we can see each other every once in awhile, for old time’s sake. But don’t tell anyone. I’m not that kind of girl.
While we’re on the subject….
Six Reasons Why Your Starbucks Barista Hates You
1.) Needless use of the lingo.
I'm paid barely enough to refer to a "medium" as a "grande." You have no fucking excuses to call that medium coffee a "grande bold."
2.) Using the order as a way to showcase the useless knowledge of coffee you have received from some other dumbass barista.
I don't want to hear about the "hints of cinnamon" you can detect in the Ethiopan blend.
3.) Rigidly upholding inevitable service distinctions. (It's not like we can say "no" to your inane requests.)
For example: ordering a latte and asking that it be made at 170 degrees. Or, sending back a caramel macchiato because it mixed together. The latte WILL cool and the macchiato WILL mix together. Deal with it.
4.) Suggesting "unique" drink concoctions to me.
Yes, I know that a vanilla bean frap with a little bit of Strawberry cream and a half pump of mocha tastes like a Neopolitan. I fucking work here. Your discovery is by no means anything new. And even if these mixtures weren't obvious, I still wouldn't want to hear your train of thought.
5.) Sharing information about the progress of your so-called "big project."
Sure, I'll smile, nod, and offer compliments, but that doesn't mean I'm any less convinced of the inevitable failure of your novel than your estranged spouse "Emma" is. Dear customer, she is your wife, so she can afford to be discouragingly honest with you. I, on the other hand, must make money; if I need to brown-nose, so be it.
6.) Quizzing me or offering comments about corporate performance.
I don't give a fuck about the press interview given by the CEO, and I don't know or want to know about any regional expansion plans. I am the equivalent of a bag boy. Memorizing the drink formulas is enough of a waste of my processing power.
We need to talk. I feel that it’s time for you and I to discuss our relationship. Today, while trying to suppress my overwhelming desire to see you again, it dawned on me that our relationship may be bordering on unhealthy, and I think it’s time we take a break, if not part ways forever.
Every fall, you show up, out of the blue, just when I’ve finally gotten over you leaving me last winter. I tell myself each year that I’m not going to go back to you. After all, what have you ever done for me?
Sure, you’re delicious. When we first met, I didn’t plan on liking you at all. In fact, I only considered trying you because my friends said you were great. I don’t even LIKE pumpkin pie. However, like the cute but annoying hipster guy who ends up being surprisingly fabulous in bed, you surprised me and left me wanting more. After my first taste, every fall, I greedily gulp you all the way down before you’ve even had a chance to cool. Before I know it, I’m seeing you every day.
For the three or four months you’re around, it’s bliss. However, at the same time, I feel guilty after our time together. After all, you don’t benefit my life in any way. You have no nutritional value, your caffeine level is weak, at best, and you’re 470 calories. After a few weeks together, I notice myself getting fatter, refusing to admit it’s your fault. I can’t say no to you, so I punish myself just so I can see you.
Before I know it, without warning, you just disappear…again. There’s no explanation, other than the lame excuse that fall is over. You don’t even give me the courtesy of saying goodbye. I only find out you’ve left when I come to see you, and your friend, my barista says you’re “unavailable” ( like I haven’t heard THAT one before).
So, I sulk. I try to hang out your friends, but they’re not you. Your buddies, dark cherry mocha and salted caramel hot chocolate, while a good distraction, often disappear too, and I’m left with the has-beens, caramel macchiato and caffe mocha. Let’s get serious; been there, done that, like, 10 years ago. Once I’ve finally moved on, you reappear, and the vicious circle starts again.
So, Pumpkin Spice Latte, we have to call it quits. You’re great, but I just can’t do it anymore. I need someone more stable who cares about my health and my well-being. Sure, venti no-classic iced coffee is kind of boring. I get that, but at least he’s always there for me. He doesn’t flake out after Christmas. He doesn’t make me sacrifice others to see him, and he cares about my health and happiness. Ultimately, I just need something more stable.
Best of luck, PSL. I’ll miss you, and you’ll always have a place in my heart. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll find someone else very soon. After all, kind of a lot of people have already heard about you. Best of luck.
Your friend,
PPS
PS. Okay, so maybe we can see each other every once in awhile, for old time’s sake. But don’t tell anyone. I’m not that kind of girl.
While we’re on the subject….
Six Reasons Why Your Starbucks Barista Hates You
1.) Needless use of the lingo.
I'm paid barely enough to refer to a "medium" as a "grande." You have no fucking excuses to call that medium coffee a "grande bold."
2.) Using the order as a way to showcase the useless knowledge of coffee you have received from some other dumbass barista.
I don't want to hear about the "hints of cinnamon" you can detect in the Ethiopan blend.
3.) Rigidly upholding inevitable service distinctions. (It's not like we can say "no" to your inane requests.)
For example: ordering a latte and asking that it be made at 170 degrees. Or, sending back a caramel macchiato because it mixed together. The latte WILL cool and the macchiato WILL mix together. Deal with it.
4.) Suggesting "unique" drink concoctions to me.
Yes, I know that a vanilla bean frap with a little bit of Strawberry cream and a half pump of mocha tastes like a Neopolitan. I fucking work here. Your discovery is by no means anything new. And even if these mixtures weren't obvious, I still wouldn't want to hear your train of thought.
5.) Sharing information about the progress of your so-called "big project."
Sure, I'll smile, nod, and offer compliments, but that doesn't mean I'm any less convinced of the inevitable failure of your novel than your estranged spouse "Emma" is. Dear customer, she is your wife, so she can afford to be discouragingly honest with you. I, on the other hand, must make money; if I need to brown-nose, so be it.
6.) Quizzing me or offering comments about corporate performance.
I don't give a fuck about the press interview given by the CEO, and I don't know or want to know about any regional expansion plans. I am the equivalent of a bag boy. Memorizing the drink formulas is enough of a waste of my processing power.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Abortion Clinic Playlist
**ok I know some people will be offended by this but for the 16% of you who will be laughing throughout the day at how very wrong but very funny this is, it's worth it. Feel free to add tracks I left out.
Back in the saddle again-Aerosmith
There goes my baby-Usher
Cleaning out my closet-Eminem
Pop that pussy-2 Live Crew
Hit me baby one more time-Britney Spears
Nananana nananana hey hey hey goodbye-Steam
Thanks for the memories-Fall Out Boy
Because I got high-Afroman
Dirty little secret-All American Rejects
Help I’m alive-Metric
I get knocked down-Chumbawanba
Ain’t gonna tie me down-New Boys
Throw it in the bag-Fabolous
Back in the saddle again-Aerosmith
There goes my baby-Usher
Cleaning out my closet-Eminem
Pop that pussy-2 Live Crew
Hit me baby one more time-Britney Spears
Nananana nananana hey hey hey goodbye-Steam
Thanks for the memories-Fall Out Boy
Because I got high-Afroman
Dirty little secret-All American Rejects
Help I’m alive-Metric
I get knocked down-Chumbawanba
Ain’t gonna tie me down-New Boys
Throw it in the bag-Fabolous
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Emotionally unavailable woman seeking emotionally unavailable man
So when I was in Boston we went to Salem to check out all the witch stuff and I found these cool bracelets. You pick out the one you want to represent whatever you want in life and when it falls off that is supposed to mean that has been fulfilled or reached in your life. So I picked love and spiritual balance. So this morning in the shower my love one fell off so if anyone has anything they want to tell me right now I'm waiting....hello? hello? this thing on??
anyways, speaking of emotionally unavailable craigslist had an amazing ad:
You:
-Must have a busy schedule. This must be legit. Holding down a 3.8 in the College of Engineering while working two jobs, running a business, publishing original research=busy. Sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, smoking with your friends, watching re-runs of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”=not busy.
That way, we can always blame everything on “timing.” (It’s not you or me)
-Must play control games with me. I will push and shove, and it is your job to nonverbally put me in my place by constantly “taking control of the situation.” This is how you will establish your “dominance.” This will not be easy (but that’s what makes it fun).
Other ways to “stay in control:” ask all the questions, do all of the interrogation. If I ever become upset, accuse me of being “emotional” or “unreasonable.” It's always "inside my head." Also, see me when it is convenient for you. Don't always answer my calls. Remain somewhat aloof. You don’t want to let me have the upper hand.
-Must be willing to banter back and forth with me. I will get bored and lose interest otherwise.
-Must be into exciting and potentially dangerous activities, like stealing road signs, driving like a maniac, and getting arrested by the police.
Actually, scratch that last one. There is a difference between risky and reckless. Then there is “retarded.” (I’m still undecided on where to place “posting personal ads on Craigslist.”)
In turn, will never call you too much (although I won’t hesitate to call you out) nor will I make you feel guilty about not “spending enough time with me.” I won’t nag you about commitment (or “where this relationship is going”) because it will never be “that” serious. We won’t talk about feelings because—well, I’d rather not.
Only short-listed applicants will be contacted (no phone calls or multiple e-mails, please).
How freakin bad ass is this?? If I were ever a motorcycle cop I want the kind with the shotgun on the back? I was trying to be all slick taking a pic on my phone without getting in trouble. Do they all have this and I just never noticed?
Onto the news....a hello kitty tattoo? Why do I feel like I should know her? and too funny, really? the guys didn't want to cooperate with police? You don't say.
HUNTINGTON BEACH – A man called to report two strippers he hired for a bachelor party took money without taking off their clothes and pepper-sprayed two of the men.
Police at about 3 a.m. Sunday responded to the 7600 block of Center Avenue after a man called saying two exotic dancers took a $500 payment and left, according to police records.
The man told police they followed the dancers downstairs to try and claim their cash and one of the women shot pepper spray at two of the men and punched one of them in the face, the call report says.
One of the women had a Hello Kitty tattoo on her calf and they were seen leaving in some type of SUV, the report says.
The caller told police he found the women on Craig's List.
Police took a report but the men who were pepper sprayed did not want to cooperate with an investigation, the call report says.
I hope that you can see this picture. I was at a stoplight when a woman hanging from a tree caught my eye. Who has this whole pirate set up in their backyard including hanging wench? and can I come over and play?
anyways, speaking of emotionally unavailable craigslist had an amazing ad:
You:
-Must have a busy schedule. This must be legit. Holding down a 3.8 in the College of Engineering while working two jobs, running a business, publishing original research=busy. Sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, smoking with your friends, watching re-runs of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”=not busy.
That way, we can always blame everything on “timing.” (It’s not you or me)
-Must play control games with me. I will push and shove, and it is your job to nonverbally put me in my place by constantly “taking control of the situation.” This is how you will establish your “dominance.” This will not be easy (but that’s what makes it fun).
Other ways to “stay in control:” ask all the questions, do all of the interrogation. If I ever become upset, accuse me of being “emotional” or “unreasonable.” It's always "inside my head." Also, see me when it is convenient for you. Don't always answer my calls. Remain somewhat aloof. You don’t want to let me have the upper hand.
-Must be willing to banter back and forth with me. I will get bored and lose interest otherwise.
-Must be into exciting and potentially dangerous activities, like stealing road signs, driving like a maniac, and getting arrested by the police.
Actually, scratch that last one. There is a difference between risky and reckless. Then there is “retarded.” (I’m still undecided on where to place “posting personal ads on Craigslist.”)
In turn, will never call you too much (although I won’t hesitate to call you out) nor will I make you feel guilty about not “spending enough time with me.” I won’t nag you about commitment (or “where this relationship is going”) because it will never be “that” serious. We won’t talk about feelings because—well, I’d rather not.
Only short-listed applicants will be contacted (no phone calls or multiple e-mails, please).
How freakin bad ass is this?? If I were ever a motorcycle cop I want the kind with the shotgun on the back? I was trying to be all slick taking a pic on my phone without getting in trouble. Do they all have this and I just never noticed?
Onto the news....a hello kitty tattoo? Why do I feel like I should know her? and too funny, really? the guys didn't want to cooperate with police? You don't say.
HUNTINGTON BEACH – A man called to report two strippers he hired for a bachelor party took money without taking off their clothes and pepper-sprayed two of the men.
Police at about 3 a.m. Sunday responded to the 7600 block of Center Avenue after a man called saying two exotic dancers took a $500 payment and left, according to police records.
The man told police they followed the dancers downstairs to try and claim their cash and one of the women shot pepper spray at two of the men and punched one of them in the face, the call report says.
One of the women had a Hello Kitty tattoo on her calf and they were seen leaving in some type of SUV, the report says.
The caller told police he found the women on Craig's List.
Police took a report but the men who were pepper sprayed did not want to cooperate with an investigation, the call report says.
I hope that you can see this picture. I was at a stoplight when a woman hanging from a tree caught my eye. Who has this whole pirate set up in their backyard including hanging wench? and can I come over and play?
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