I Think U Dropped Your To-Do List

P.S. WTF are moondoogies? It makes me think of Gidget??

82 Reasons Why U Will Hate Me

Ok so this guy I just met asked me out and I told him I could give him 25 reasons why he would hate me. He told me that he could give me 26 reasons why he wouldn’t. I’m not going lie, I kind of liked that response. Anyways, I was thinking about it and decided to try to see if I could actually come up with 25 things about me I thought a potential BF would not like or be annoyed/turned off by. Turns out, not only was I able to come up with 25 but 82. How’s that for running your own hater fanclub? I’m pretty sure I’m going to be single for awhile.

1. I love going 2 crowded bars filled w/ drunken ho's/bro's in HB where people bump into everyone & act like jack asses & probably try 2 hit on us

2. I’m friends w/ & still occasionally hang out with (as friends) and keep in contact w/ almost all of my ex's.

3. I love going dancing at clubs w/ my girls, especially in Vegas.

4. I adore quiet time & I’m not uncomfortable w/ silence

5. 90% of my friends r guys & we talk shit on each other & say inappropriate things u will misunderstand & find offensive #whorejokes

6. I am always the 1st one to get tired & I'm an a-hole if I don't get sleep

7. At some point we r bound to run into someone I've had sex with. (See #2)

8. I like a lot of gay music like The Fray & Coldplay

9. I like a guy to act like a man & make decisions yet I don't like to follow rules so it’s a fine line to tread

10. I love watching professional fights but seeing a street/bar fight makes me hysterical

11. I love unicorns

12. My fav color is hot pink

13. I like 2 travel w/ a pillow pet & a woobie

14. I like to wear leg warmers & fingerless gloves

15. I also like 2 wear shirts as dresses which brings comments & attention u will have to shrug off

16. My son will always come before everyone and everything & I often completely disappear for days just to spend one on one time w/ him and I also hate talking on the phone when he's around I'd rather give him my attention.

17. I don't fight, if something bothers me I usually don’t say anything until I’m over it & then it's too late

18. I text a lot but hate talking on the phone

19. I have 2 modes: bender & boring suburban no real in between.

20. I hate drinking but it's the only thing that makes me social

21. I think dubstep is amazing.

22. I definitly want more babies sooner than later

23. I’m a girly girl, sooo not tough, punk rock or gangster

24. I will never allow your friends or anyone else to weigh in on my life or our relationship

25. I am a huge smartass & I will mouth off

26. I love running around drunk at Vegas pools in the summertime

27. When my “Bad Sushi” girlfriends & I go out we have been known to cause a scene & be dumb drunk girls but we use alternate names and occupations if that helps. #Stella&Reagan!

28. I'm a closet 909'er & I like it

29. Having time by myself is essential to my mental well being

30. I want to act like a grown up someday

31. I get bored easily

32. I have FB & twitter that I use daily

33. The smell of smoke grosses me out

34. I make tutu's in my spare time

35. I’m obsessed with crime shows & watch marathons of them

36. I have an emo side

37. The day before my period I almost always cry especially if alcohol is involved

38. I don't give massages

39. I have a fear of heights especially ledges/balconies also used band aids freak me out.

40. I always say I’m hungry but I never finish my food

41. I write inappropriate blogs about my life (including stuff that happens with us) for the world to read

42. I use text/email to communicate w/ my customers & I have a few that I actually consider friends

43. I love theme parties

44. I’m an impatient shitty driver and I can’t parallel park to save my life

45. I'm a quitter

46. Most of the time I feel numb and I wish that I felt more

47. I am an amazing writer & creator but only when I'm really sad, upset or drunk

48. I'm super indecisive, I really suck at making decisions & when I do I second guess it

49. I always seem to find my way into the middle of shit even when I just sit at home doing nothing it never fails

50. I'm good at making up excuses. (Can’t you tell?)

51. I'm super insecure about 3 parts of my body

52. I have broken a penis before

53. I will never be comfortable going to the bathroom in front of you

54. I have an addiction to buying make up & girly potions

55. Being in a messy house gives me anxiety

56. Other people’s kids usually annoy me

57. I'm always the last one on the airplane & I like to sit on the floor of the airport

58. I say sorry too much

59. I'm a Sudoku junkie

60. I have been known to throw a fist pump or 2

61. I'll gladly spend $1000 on my hair yet complain about spending $100 @ the grocery store

62. If I think you are cheating I'd rather leave you then play detective or ask you

63. Not a fan of anal

64. I'll expect you to get an occasional Mani/pedi with me

65. I like to play helpless

66. I have a habit of hanging up on people & deleting them from FB or my life if they say something I don't like

67. If we’re at a bar & I’m drunk & I say I'm going to the bathroom I'm really saying I'm going home

68. I can't sit still at bars or clubs, I’m a peacock! You gotta let me fly!....and you gotta know what movie that’s from too.

69. I have a lot of stalkers

70. It’s hard for me to express my feelings and I hate letting myself be vulnerable.

71. Some of my very best guy friends like to dress up in girls’ clothing, bedazzled thongs & wings and go out in public and I love them for it.

72. No matter how good or frequent the sex is I will never give up my vibrator & will probably use it every time you walk out the door

73. I'm not very good at handing out compliments even if I'm thinking them in my head

74. I'm more impressed w/ little things that show u care then big fancy stuff

75. I can't be held responsible for actions after jager

76. I will never pay your bills (lesson learned…FML)

77. I love to roller skate to 80’s music.

78. I cry at lame shit like TV shows/movies (The Notebook)

79. I have small dogs.

80. I hate being on top

81. My career goal in life is to be a housewife

82. I will expect you twirl my hair and tickle my arms till I fall asleep


Ok…I think that’s enough things that I’ve come up with. I feel like Forest Gump when he was running and running and finally decided to stop.

Puddin's Naughty Sign Language Lesson

Back by popular demand my lessons in sign language. If you have any requests please let me know. Konichiwa Bitches!

Part 1

Part 2

Taking the Cinnamon Challenge

My child, taking the cinnamon challenge:


I guess I should just be glad they took this challenge and not Daniel Tosh’s Gay Porn Viagra Challenge.

If U Give a Stoner a Weed Cookie

If you have a child I’m sure you have read “If you give a mouse a cookie” this is my take on it….Here’s a little advice for my stoner friends. Don’t ever go to a pot cookie dealer’s house hungry. Hear me out. If you go hungry you’re going to have to eat the cookie as soon as you get there. Now you just can't eat and run so you’ll stay and chat for a little and pretty soon you will be hungry because your high so you will eat another cookie and the cycle goes into full effect. You keep eating cookies because you keep getting higher and hungrier. It’s a genius plot by said dealer. Shit if I was a dealer I’d keep samples on a platter to pass around and offer no other food. Eat cookie-get high-get hungry-buy more cookies. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I Call Bullshit on Crime Shows

What is the deal with all of these new crime shows popping up and they all have this token quirky girl who dresses like the freak show from high school with choppy bangs, glasses, crazy make up, piercings. I don’t buy it…yes I know its TV, it’s fake but I still like to pretend.

Olivia Benson as a cop? Absofuckinlutely.



This chick?



Or this one?



Nigga please.

Vagina Make Over

I have had the worst insomnia lately which usually means I have something going on in my life that needs to either be settled or sorted out. So the other night as I lie awake unable to sleep I decided to Google the shit out of insomnia. I read this thing that said you’re supposed to be awake for at least 16 hours a day so say you get up at 9am your not even suppose to try to go to sleep until 1am! So see maybe I don’t have insomnia maybe I’m just not being awake enough. I’d be so lost without Google.

Anyways, my girlfriend told me the best story I’ve ever heard the other day. You know how there are certain terms you never want to hear from your doctor? Well my girlfriend wins the award for this one. So after she gave birth to her child the doctor is down there for like 45 mins sewing her up when all of a sudden she hears…hmmm I’m going to start all over, it looks kind of haggard down here.

hag·gard   
–adjective
1. having a gaunt, wasted, or exhausted appearance, as from prolonged suffering, exertion, or anxiety; worn: the haggard faces of the tired troops.

Bahahhahaha no girl, nowhere, EVER wants someone to refer to her vagina as haggard….especially a doctor…one who just created that Mona Lisa!!! Aahahhaha…..the good news is, the doctors “Re-do” turned out nicely but still. I would have loved to have seen the look on my friends face when she heard that. Kinda makes you wanna double up on birth control right?