http://kimberliah.com/2012/08/30/my-easy-cheesy-17-step-quesadilla-recipe/
The White Person’s Guide to Creating a Quesadilla
Prep
Work: Spend the previous night consuming alcohols.
All the alcohols. Mix your shots and remember… beer before liquor. You are
going to need a proper little hangover to complete this recipe.
Step 1: Unplug your
microwave and carry it outside. Place the microwave into your trunk and drive
your car at least 3 blocks away. Walk back to your house. The temptation to
just throw this shit in the microwave is going to be too great. There needs to
be a suitable amount of distance between yourself, the quesadilla and the
nuker. If you feel 3 blocks isn’t quite adequate… push your microwave
containing car into a lake… or a swimming pool. Be creative.
Step
2: Find/place chips and salsa on the kitchen
counter located nearest to the stove. Chips and salsa must be consumed for the majority of
the quesadilla creating. Make sure the salsa is home-made. If you don’t know
how to make salsa… become friends with someone who does. If you attempt to use
store-bought salsa, a cowboy will likely ride his stinky horse into your
kitchen and act all dramatic because your salsa was probably made in New York City. This is distracting, trust
me… Just make the damned salsa.
Step
3: Get distracted by how disgustingly filthy the
counter is, where the microwave had previously been. Stare at the unsanitary
mess, from across the kitchen. Eat chips and salsa. Throw small-ish un-dipable
chip towards the mess on the counter to see if anything has the ability to run
away. Perform quick mental inventory to see if there are any children available
to clean the mess. Decide that you are far to famished to partake in any kind
of cleaning and return your focus to the creation of the quesadilla.
Step
4: Extract pan from where ever you keep your pans.
Place pan on stove top. Turn on burner. Eat chips and salsa, while waiting for
the pan to heat up. If you’re not sure how to check the pan for proper
heat-age… wave your hand over it. If the air above said pan is warm, you’re
good.
Step
5: Rummage through your package of tortillas until
you find the largest one. They may all appear to be the same size… but they’re
tricky like that. Go big or go home, tortilla! Once you’ve found your ideal
tortilla, throw that bitch in the pan. Your quesadilla will always taste better
if you do a combination of throwing the tortilla while yelling out “Ole” You
may want to whisper the “Ole” depending on the severity of your hangover.
Step
6: Realize that you never checked to see if you
have any shredded cheese. Mutter your choice of obscenities as you trudge to
the refrigerator. Unearth a package of shredded cheese, age unknown. Return to
your heated tortilla and throw some cheese on that bitch. Realize that the
tortilla to cheese ratio, you are looking at, is not up to par.
Step
7: Find more cheese!!! Sliced American cheese,
string cheese, cottage cheese, blue cheese dressing… it doesn’t matter! That
quesadilla needs mo’ cheese, STAT!
Step 8: Fold the
un-cheesed side of your quesadilla over top of the cheesed side. Kind of like a
blanket… put the cheesed side “night-night”
Step
9: Realize that you haven’t eaten any chips and
salsa, in a while… Eat the funk outta some chips and salsa. Dive into the bag
head-first, if you feel the need. ***Please note to grab some salsa BEFORE
diving into the chip bag.***
Step
10: Flip that shit. Make sure you insert your
flipper under the OPEN side… or was it the closed side? Shit, I don’t remember
and your quesadilla is starting to burn… FLIP!
Step 11: Your flip was far too enthusiastic and your
partially cooked quesadilla is now sitting half on your stove and half on the
counter-top. Return displaced quesadilla to the pan. Gently. Step
12: Your finished quesadilla is going to need a
safe landing spot, upon completion. Break out your finest plastic-ware… Don’t
actually “break” it… just get it out…. Nicely.
Step
13: Quit ignoring the chips and salsa. They have
feelings too!
Step
14: You’re quesadilla is probably done… and if not,
screw it… You’re hungry and it’s time to eat. Pick up nearby spatula, for optimum
quesadilla removal… realize 2 centimeters away from your lovely quesadilla that
this spatula is actually the dirty spatula you used this morning, to make
scrambled eggs. Throw dirty egg spatula down in horror. Remove quesadilla with
whichever flipper you had previously used. Place onto plate. Whisper your
apologies to the quesadilla for almost touching it with a dirty egg spatula.
Step 15: Stand in the
middle of your kitchen and eat the hell out of your quesadilla. Throw your
plate towards the sink and realize, before exiting the kitchen, that your stove
is still on. Turn it off.
Step
16: Ignore the mess. Either kids or small vermin
will eventually take care of it.
Step
17: Quesadilla coma.
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