Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

Capturing Your Own Loneliness in Twitter Photo

Allow us to translate (we speak fluent Sad Person): "Babe caught me sleeping." But what she reallymeans is "I caught myself lying about having a boyfriend and then uploaded the evidence to a social media site. I am going to have a very bad day." We just hope one day she finds her Prince Charming, or at least her Prince "Creepily Photographs Women While They're Unconscious."

Know How I Know You're Gay

Male
Mid to late 40's
Shorts with a silk shirt
texting with just his index finger

Gay or straight or just metro/fashionably clueless?

he had on flip flops....with a toe ring.




Now would you like to change your answer?
We are debating this subject at work so I google it to find a picture and instead I came across this posting which left me with another quest which is to find Justin from Northbrook, IL and offer to help him come out of the closet.

Justin Northbrook, IL

Reply » | Report Abuse | Judge it! | #1 Apr 1, 2009   My girl likes to paint my toe nails and put a toe ring on me. She is trying to get me to go out like this with my flip flops. My nails are painted just a subtle tan that match my skin color, but they do look clean and shiny. She bought us matching silver toe rings over the net and now wants us to wear them. Is this a good idea or too feminine? The idea really turns her on, so I am seriously considering going through with it. I have to admit, I have gotten used to it around the house, but still skeptical to go out in public with my flip flops on.

My coworker just said to me foot fetishes are quite common and now Im so thrown off. I know lots of fetishes and they are common however for some reason it flat out never occured to me that girls had them. I always think of guys when it comes to fetishes. Foot fetish, S&M, strangers panties, you name it, all that creepy stuff in the backpages of OC wkly or craigslist I always assumed came from guys. Now everything is different.

What Being Pregnant Feels Like

What's Grosser Than Gross?

This sweater. Actually this entire outfit. WTF is going on at Nordstroms right now?? I thought this was one of those Tijuana ponchos at first glance. There is so much going on with this outfit I don’t even know where to look.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/haute-hippie-colorblock-hooded-cardigan/3336365?origin=category&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=3000

Dear Customer Service....

The White Person’s Guide to Creating a Quesadilla

From Mrs. Kimberliah...

http://kimberliah.com/2012/08/30/my-easy-cheesy-17-step-quesadilla-recipe/

The White Person’s Guide to Creating a Quesadilla

Prep Work: Spend the previous night consuming alcohols. All the alcohols. Mix your shots and remember… beer before liquor. You are going to need a proper little hangover to complete this recipe.

Step 1: Unplug your microwave and carry it outside. Place the microwave into your trunk and drive your car at least 3 blocks away. Walk back to your house. The temptation to just throw this shit in the microwave is going to be too great. There needs to be a suitable amount of distance between yourself, the quesadilla and the nuker. If you feel 3 blocks isn’t quite adequate… push your microwave containing car into a lake… or a swimming pool. Be creative.

Step 2: Find/place chips and salsa on the kitchen counter located nearest to the stove. Chips and salsa must be consumed for the majority of the quesadilla creating. Make sure the salsa is home-made. If you don’t know how to make salsa… become friends with someone who does. If you attempt to use store-bought salsa, a cowboy will likely ride his stinky horse into your kitchen and act all dramatic because your salsa was probably made in New York City. This is distracting, trust me… Just make the damned salsa.

Step 3: Get distracted by how disgustingly filthy the counter is, where the microwave had previously been. Stare at the unsanitary mess, from across the kitchen. Eat chips and salsa. Throw small-ish un-dipable chip towards the mess on the counter to see if anything has the ability to run away. Perform quick mental inventory to see if there are any children available to clean the mess. Decide that you are far to famished to partake in any kind of cleaning and return your focus to the creation of the quesadilla.

Step 4: Extract pan from where ever you keep your pans. Place pan on stove top. Turn on burner. Eat chips and salsa, while waiting for the pan to heat up. If you’re not sure how to check the pan for proper heat-age… wave your hand over it. If the air above said pan is warm, you’re good.

Step 5: Rummage through your package of tortillas until you find the largest one. They may all appear to be the same size… but they’re tricky like that. Go big or go home, tortilla! Once you’ve found your ideal tortilla, throw that bitch in the pan. Your quesadilla will always taste better if you do a combination of throwing the tortilla while yelling out “Ole” You may want to whisper the “Ole” depending on the severity of your hangover.

Step 6: Realize that you never checked to see if you have any shredded cheese. Mutter your choice of obscenities as you trudge to the refrigerator. Unearth a package of shredded cheese, age unknown. Return to your heated tortilla and throw some cheese on that bitch. Realize that the tortilla to cheese ratio, you are looking at, is not up to par.

Step 7: Find more cheese!!! Sliced American cheese, string cheese, cottage cheese, blue cheese dressing… it doesn’t matter! That quesadilla needs mo’ cheese, STAT!

Step 8: Fold the un-cheesed side of your quesadilla over top of the cheesed side. Kind of like a blanket… put the cheesed side “night-night”

Step 9: Realize that you haven’t eaten any chips and salsa, in a while… Eat the funk outta some chips and salsa. Dive into the bag head-first, if you feel the need. ***Please note to grab some salsa BEFORE diving into the chip bag.***

Step 10: Flip that shit. Make sure you insert your flipper under the OPEN side… or was it the closed side? Shit, I don’t remember and your quesadilla is starting to burn… FLIP!

Step 11: Your flip was far too enthusiastic and your partially cooked quesadilla is now sitting half on your stove and half on the counter-top. Return displaced quesadilla to the pan. Gently. Step 12: Your finished quesadilla is going to need a safe landing spot, upon completion. Break out your finest plastic-ware… Don’t actually “break” it… just get it out…. Nicely.

Step 13: Quit ignoring the chips and salsa. They have feelings too!

Step 14: You’re quesadilla is probably done… and if not, screw it… You’re hungry and it’s time to eat. Pick up nearby spatula, for optimum quesadilla removal… realize 2 centimeters away from your lovely quesadilla that this spatula is actually the dirty spatula you used this morning, to make scrambled eggs. Throw dirty egg spatula down in horror. Remove quesadilla with whichever flipper you had previously used. Place onto plate. Whisper your apologies to the quesadilla for almost touching it with a dirty egg spatula.

Step 15: Stand in the middle of your kitchen and eat the hell out of your quesadilla. Throw your plate towards the sink and realize, before exiting the kitchen, that your stove is still on. Turn it off.

Step 16: Ignore the mess. Either kids or small vermin will eventually take care of it.

Step 17: Quesadilla coma.

Oral Sex Cures Morning Sickness

Really? you know a guy wrote this. 

hahah I love this part: In his findings the women's body will initially reject the semen and react by vomiting ahahah and yet if you keep doing it and build up a tolerance it will "help". I would love to find this guy and tell him my opinion of his findings. 

The Scariest Thing You Will Ever See

Seriously I'll never be right again going through the meat section of the grocery store.

For The Super Lazy, Yet Effective Mommy

Once again....leave it up to the Japanese. 

Keeping It Classy

Wash Down Pee With Some Wine

The Hakone Kowakien Yunessun Hot Springs Amusement Park & Spa Resort, located at the base of Mount Fuji, is one of the only places outside your Uncle’s bathtub where you can fully immerse yourself in a vat of steaming red wine.

The red wine pool features a 3.6m tall bottle of wine that pours Beaujolais Nouveau into the pool throughout the day.

LOOK at these people just sipping away totally disregarding the fact that 1 in 5 people pee in pools. Japanese people are into some weird stuff. 

JEAN SHORTS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE

I'm not sure when the jean short memo went out but for the last few months everywhere I go the dress code seems to be a uniform of super short jean shorts and either a flannel or super long tank top. This look goes from the beach to the grocery store to concerts to shopping to bars and clubs. Ladies and people with daughters I'm here to let you know one very important thing. JEAN SHORTS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE. Just because your friend wears it and it looks cute doesn't mean it will look the same on you. Before considering this outfit ask yourself a few questions.

#1 Would most people consider the build of my thighs to be thin or athletic? If yes, proceed. If no, give the jean shorts away.

#2 When I pair these shorts with a top, are my jean shorts still visible? Don't be hard on yourself it's just a simple yes or no question. Sometimes these tank tops are too long and make it look like that's all you're wearing and sometimes...your ass just eats up your shorts. Either way if either of these are a possibility, skip wearing this look.

 This girl is kinda pushing it.

I realize it's a fine line to walk but I'm just trying to help cause otherwise you'll be walking around thinking you look all kinds of cute, meanwhile, everyone around you see's you like this.

Words With CHEATS

How is this even fair? It's  physically impossible for me to create a word so now I have to pass? This is exactly why board games are responsible for fights between family and friends for centuries. Don't even get me started on Monopoly! 

Probably Just For Dad's With a Sense of Humor

No Homo

yea there's nothing weird at all about (1) a 

"boys night in"  where you and your boys (2) blow up an inflatable penis then (3) have a duel with your "pork swords" and furthermore, (4) I need to purchase this to have on hand for those nights my friends get wasted and this will seem like an awesome idea and I can sit back and video tape it all for blackmail purposes. 

Want to challenge your mate to a duel? Then reach for these Inflatable Willies. Now these give a whole new dimension to the phrase of “pork sword”.

These inflatable willies are ideal for boys nights in, stag dos and anywhere there is more testosterone than sense flying around. Simply blow it up, strap it around your waist and away you go. Rules of the game? There are no rules except that bragging about the size of one’s manhood is not permitted. After all, both Willies are the same size so both opponents are on even footing.

Willy Wars will finally decide who is Alpha Male! It’s Cock Fighting at its literal, base meaning! Incidentally no poultry was harmed in the making of this product!

• Pack contains two inflatable giant Willies with velcro fastening
• Ideal for boys nights in - sorts out who really is Alpha Male
• Simply blow up strap on around the waist and get fighting
• A great gift for the Groom on his Stag night
• Very rude and very funny

LOL

Gangster Grandma

Headless Fish

Soooo this is how we entertain ourselves at work. The one killer orange fish ate the head off of the little white guy (hello racist!) and then..............whitey still was alive & swimming after lying there
"dead" for like 3 minutes!!

Who's Excited For Shark Week??

In case You Wanted to Know

So last night we were at a restaurant and the menu had no dessert but there was a huge sign that said they had Rice Pudding so we asked the cashier if they had any other desserts. She replied that they also had Tapioca but that was it. I felt like I was getting punked. Aren't they the same thing? seriously think about it, there's really no difference. AND furthermore if you were a restaurant and you decided you were only going to carry TWO dessert options why oh why would you pick two that are nearly identical?? like "oh no I hate rice pudding, order me the Tapioca instead???" 

Anyways, being that google knows all they showed me the huge difference between the two.

Rice is a grain and made into pudding with milk, sugar, and vanilla. Sometimes raisins are put into it while it is cooking.

Tapioca is made from a starch of the bitter-cassava plant. It is in small "balls" and is chewy when cooked. Pudding made from tapioca has milk, sugar, vanilla, and the addition of egg. Sometimes the whites are beaten and folded in at the end to give it a fluffy texture.

and....after all that I have no clue. You could give me either and tell me it was whichever one and I'd believe you.

Dude....ette?

I was bored, scrolling through my FB timeline when I came across this and thought hmmm...guess it's some lesbian/gay thing, this girl is obviously showing her girlfriend Elizabeth how much she loves her. Several moments later I scrolled back up and realized that yes, in fact, this may be a male. Can anyone help me out here??

WTF App of the Day

Normally I'm irritated and annoyed by the little ad's for app's that pop up on my phone and quickly X off of them but the other day this one stopped me in my tracks. I had to make sure I was reading it right. A tampon timer? Who needs this? As if anyone's period is so subtle you just forget your cramping twisted insides are forcing you to bleed out your vagina. 

"So anyways I told Karen I couldn't make it *Beep Beep* oh sorry that's my tampon timer! Thank gosh that went off I almost got so caught up in feeling so great today I nearly forgot I was hemorrhaging."......said no one ever.

Coworker Chronicles

Me: How was your event this weekend?
Coworker: It went well. Everyone had a pretty good time. I was the designated driver though so I kept it pretty mellow.
Me:........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................wasn't your thing from 12-4pm on Saturday?
Coworker: Yup.
Me: You arranged ahead of time for a DD for an event that went from 12-4pm at a restaurant?
Coworker: More than 3 people were black out drunk by 3pm.
Me texting my friends: You all drink like pussies!

My Dog is Mocking Me

I think this cat is related to my dog cause she pulls the same crap. 

Literally.

Speaking of dogs this is the VERY last thing we need. A freaking a Salon by the PAul Mitchell guy????  for your dog??? come on people. If you go here, don't be mad if random people punch you in the face.

 Your dog does not need Awapuhi shampoo for silky hair. Instead, use that money on something sensible. Like doggie skydiving lessons.