Liars.
Some are good. Some are bad. Some just need to shoot themselves in the fucking face because they are soooo goddamn awful. According to J-Wunder statistics...44.583% of the people you are either friends with or encounter, will be the worst fucking liars and story tellers you will run into during your lifetime. No bullshit.
So with that being said, let me tell you a story I heard from two friends of mine. Both bitches. Both funny. Both keep it real. There's only one problem...a friend of theirs (lets just call her an acquaintance now) ended up crossing the line with, what do you fucking know...her GODDAMN LIES. Basically, I heard this story, and of course, there was only one thing I could do about it. Write a fucking column, right? Damn straight.
See, it all starts off with a few funny stories. Nothing big...just something to strike conversation and get peoples attention. Because we all know...compulsive liars LOVE attention. But as time goes on, stories become...how do I say this - over the fucking top. For instance:
"My aunt was the Pink Power Ranger". Ummm bitch, ain't no Pink Power Ranger I know, is fucking Hispanic. How do I know? Well, unless you know a Hispanic with the last name Chang, then I'll shut my fucking mouth. A useless fucking fact to try to act cool, but come the fuck on...we all know your poor, 4 teeth missing, Mexican ass, don't have any relatives that live in Hollywood. The only family you have down south, live in Tijuana and are strippers at Adalita's night club sucking donkey dick for a buck fifty. Fool me once you dumb twat...strike one.
"I was a flight attendant during 9/11...that shit was so tragic." Back-up-the-mother-fucking-truck here sweet tits. If we do recall, on 9/11/01, your ass was 14 years old, getting tea-bagged by the older high school kids for menthol cigarettes. How in God's name were you a mother fucking flight attendant? Did they all of the sudden take 14 year old 6th graders (yes, she was the oldest fucking 6th grader in U.S. history) on as interns or something? Get the fuck outta here biz-natch! Wasn't it you, who thought 9/11 was the east coast version of 7-11 (true goddamn story). I think you did, you lying sack of shit. Fool me again...strike two.
"I'm going to Italy for a wedding tomorrow but will be back the very next day." Wait, what?! Unless they brought Italy to the mother fucking Olive Garden in Modesto, CA, just know that you're a goddamn, mother fucking, toothless ass, cottage cheese vaginal fucking liar. Wow! You planning to teleport there too, bitch?! *shaking my goddamn head*
Fool me three times...strike fucking three.
"That bitch, A.G., slashed my tires and I have proof. The cops have her fingerprints on the box cutters she used. Wait, I mean, we have her on a surveillance camera, slashing my tires with her box cutters then fleeing the scene. All in black. With a mask on. I think. Wait, um...yeah, that's right. She was wearing a cape too. Anyway, thank goodness I got my tires fixed within 2 hours of getting them slashed by this mean girl, but, could have possibly been the old lady from Titanic if I had to second guess it. Now who needs a drink?"
That's all she wrote, bitch.
For some reason, you literally had to make up this goddamn story and bring this girl in the middle of it:
Box cutting, tire slashing, cape wearing, bitch.
First off, who uses box cutters nowadays? Mother fuckers at U-Haul? Is our suspect a goddamn terrorists? For fuck's sake, of course not, goddamnit. She's a friend (was now)...who apparently (on this faithful night) wore all black, a mailman mask, Louis Vuitton cape, had a ninja sword AND AK-47 strapped to her back while running away because she was in a jealous fucking rage because you wouldn't tell her the secret on how you get your eyebrows looking like bent ass coat hangers. Lets not forget to mention she was angry that you wouldn't take her advice on getting dentures, since you felt men were more attracted to you by losing your teeth one by one. BTW - congrats on the 15 teeth you have left. It's a good look for you, fuck face.
And if it didn't get any worse, you decided to blame two more people who YOU claim were friends of your "Pink Power Ranger" aunt that were accomplices of the tire slashing homicide (please note these two ladies don't even know WHAT THE FUCK a Power Ranger is):
Ex Black and Red Power Rangers who worked with Chang during 9/11 on the Titanic
I wouldn't lie to you fucking people when I heard those words come out of my friends mouths. I'm 32 years old. A grown ass fucking man. So when I heard that some toothless bartender decided to tell a bunch of other degenerate drunk fucks about her tire slashing incident regarding Jackie Chan's niece (who's Mexican) and two Ex-Power Rangers who were involved, I froze. Froze because what I heard was something so unheard of, that I actually almost believed it. Can you actually believe, horrible fucking liars (like this) actually go to this extreme to get all the attention?!?! For fuck's fucking sake almighty of Jehovah Mahatma Ghandi King Jr.?!?!?! What the fuckety fucking shit mother fucking horse cock ass fucking cunt face?!?!?!?!?!
I have no words other than, whoever this broad is, needs to be hugged a little more. Please lay off the Charcoal Filtered Tequila. And quite honestly, check yourself into the loony bin. I realize people lie, but come the fuck on...Power Rangers, 9/11, 24 hour trips to Italy???? Get the fuck outta here you raggitty ass taint goblin. That shit ain't right. If you need attention that fucking bad, go to a strip club and flap around your saggy ass titties. Trust me, there are enough degenerate fucks to give you the attention you need.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a flight to catch with Osama Bin Laden. We're gonna go see Tupac in concert on my uncles island. You might have heard of the place...CANADA.
GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT!!!!!
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