Tuesday, November 22, 2011

If you can't beat 'em, fuck 'em

hahaha I cannot stop reading this girls blog...http://the-momfia.blogspot.com...hilarious!!!

My New Years resolution was to become a bigger slut. Maybe that's not exactly a popular choice among the fake gym promises & carb-banning, but I was committed to having a resolution I could spread for. If you can't beat 'em, fuck 'em. Having made this resolution by 7pm on the last day of the year when I was already shit faced at a NHL hockey game, I decided in that moment of drunken clarity that this was going to be "THE YEAR OF THE SLUT"(not too unlike the Chinese year of the donkey). Having slept with a surprisingly low number of men and no lasting relationship to show for it, I decided to jump on the dick bandwagon and waste no time in kicking off my new whore year. As my Asian bestfriend and I stumbled out of the arena my night became a blur of shots, bad songs, and strobe lights. By the time the ball finally dropped I'd already been heavily drinking for more than eight hours and it was safe to say I'd surpassed down to fuck and entered can't stand up to fuck.

Somewhere in the chaos of this night I laid my sights on the cutest, small town Illinois, boy next door I have ever had the pleasure of corrupting. Mike was everything my mom has always wanted me to bring home, while I was everything his small town probably warned him about when they made dancing illegal. In my tequila haze I decided his actual name was fucking stupid and re-named him Matt, why I'll never give a shit.

At what must of been four in the morning, I realized in the bump and grind of my drunken attempts at dancing, I'd lost my Asian. Few things can I warn against like never going to a family dinner sober and never losing your Asian. Leaving the club, I drug "Matt" along on the widest Asian search since The Great Panda Adventure, instead of finding my Asian we stumbled into a backseat. My backseat. Which was good because I was rocking a very uncool mom-SUV that had just enough room for some decent sex, I know this because I've HAD decent sex in that car, this was not going to be that time.

You almost have to feel bad for guys with tiny dicks, they didn't ask for a three inch cock anymore than a woman would want to unwrap a three inch dick and pretend to be turned on. Well past drunk and willing to see if the size of the boat matter more than the motion of the ocean, I decided to take one for the team and go for the tiny gold. I don't think I've ever faked an orgasm drunk, but I should of won a god damn Oscar for that performance. Fuck Sophie's Choice, Emmerson's choice was deciding to give the small town boy the thrill he'd never have; the faint hope he ever pleased a woman.

I didn't ask for his number or give him my real name. I can only hope he Facebook stalked me & when he came up with nothing fondly jacked off to the memory of my amazing actress of a vagina.

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