Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The 3 people that can ruin Thanksgiving

I have a new favorite blogger so I'm reposting his stuff cause it's that awesome. If you want to see more of his stuff:

Thanksgiving…a time when families get together and everyone enjoys each others company. If only it were that easy, right? Wrong.

Call me mother fucking crazy, but as we get older, it seems that more and more adults dread Thanksgiving like we do with any other family holiday function. And it's not because we hate the holiday's, but because we get soooooo goddamn annoyed with some family members. For example:

The Bitch Ass In-law:
Getting together this Thanksgiving got you fucking excited. Well, until you found out your goddamn brother and his bitch ass wife were gonna be there. You know…the fucking cunt that thinks she “runs shit” and has went through more life experiences then a homeless man that once was rich and pissed it down the shitter because 8 grams rocks and hookers became his hobby.

They never shut the fuck up and talk to you like you’re listening. She thinks she’s "Mom of the Year" but seems to let her kid run around in a diaper that looks like it has about a weeks worth of shit in it. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. That bitch. I would say something about the annoying ass brother in-law too, but all that mother fucker does is get fucking drunk, say some "awkward moment" shit and get bitched at by your sister. Moving on…

The Loser Uncle:
We all got problems. But this mother fucker got some goddamn problems. More than likely, he’s at Aunt Ethel’s house on a warrant that no one knows about. Drugs: he’s on them and he has them. Weapons: a shank is duct taped to his leg and he has a stolen gun in the car…which he stole too. He doesn’t say much about what’s new in his life other than, “Things are good. Just looking for a job and trying to stay out of trouble. Where’s your bathroom…I gotta blow my nose.” Keep your kids away from this crazy sack of shit...there’s a 79% chance they’ll be drunk or high if they get the chance to be around him.

The Annoying Neighbor:
This is the loneliest mother fucker on the block. Parents probably died some years ago. Relatives all hate him because he fucked his 1st cousin and they ended up having twins. Basically, this poor bastard has been black listed from his whole goddamn family. Lucky for you, grandpa invited his ass over because “No one should be alone on Thanksgiving”. Thank gramps...you mother fucking asshole.

If you’ve never felt awkward in a social setting, your ass does now. The annoying neighbor doesn’t shut the fuck up. EVER. They talk more then everyone in the house combined. Ever given an autobiography on your life? Well, have no fear, because this mother fucker is about to ask you in a very creep-dog way, all the details of your human existence. And just to add a little more fuel to that fire, they will tell you how fucked up their life is and probably ask you out on a date. Weird? What the fuck do you think jack ass? Fuck yeah that’s weird.

Honestly, there is a laundry list of the shit you'll encounter with your family every Thanksgiving. This is just the most common problem that roughly 82.6739% of us will encounter this Turkey Day.

So how do we deal with such shenanigan’s and horse shit? Simple. Do the one and only thing that will get your ass through the torture.


Bottom line: booze makes everything better. And tolerable. It also gives you the balls to tell a mother fucker that they got problems and they need to shut their goddamn mouth because a mother fucker is about to get bitch slapped in the goddamn face. Sorry, that was harsh. Actually, no it wasn't.

Drink because you can. Drink because you will realize that your life isn't as fucked up as these three. Drink because booze is fucking delicious and it will make the time fly by. Just don't drink too much and cause a scene. You do that, your ass might be on this list.

Happy fucking Holiday's!

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